DURHAM, NH—A new study released Friday by researchers at the University of New Hampshire’s Aquatic Institute revealed that lobsters are capable of feeling pain, and, what’s more, get off it on like the sick little fucking perverts they are. “Our experiments confirmed that lobsters are most likely able to experience physical suffering, and, beyond that, seem to be such dirty little freaks that they get a kind of sexual high from being cooked alive,” said study co-author Dr. Adrianne Williams, adding that from the moment a lobster spots the pot of scalding water, researchers were able to detect a sort of irresistible carnal yearning in their beady eyestalks, practically begging for ever-higher temperatures to satisfy their depraved kinks. “In fact, we’ve discovered these marine deviants turn red when boiled, because they feel sexually humiliated to the point of climax and are craving more pain to push them over the edge. It turns out lobsters are some very fucked-up crustaceans.” Williams added that the most aberrant of such sea creatures are not only conscious of their ultimate fate of being cracked open, dunked in butter, and devoured piece-by-piece by humans, but actually seem to desire that end as some sort of revolting fetish.


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