VANCOUVER, WA—Cringing at the pitiful attempt to gain attention by trying to appear edgy and shocking, sources confirmed Monday that a stunted 56-year-old is still writing Chuck Palahniuk novels. “It’s one thing to write that shit when you’re still in your 20s, but he’s old enough now that it’s actually kind of pathetic,” said local man Ryan Fields, who figured that someone in their mid-50s would be too mature to be penning stories about wanton violence and needless gore. “He’s obsessed with these juvenile narratives about fighting and gross bodily functions, but it’s all just pulp entertainment with no real value. Man, it’s so embarrassing. Just grow up, dude.” At press time, sources expressed hope that the immature 56-year-old would stop acting so childish and finally write a few George Saunders books.
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