U.S. Navy nuclear engineer Jonathan Toebbe and his wife, Diana, were recently charged with selling classified intelligence regarding America’s nuclear submarines to an undercover FBI agent posing as a foreign operative. The Onion shares the top secrets that the engineer was attempting to sell.
- The locations of all 515 secret U.S. military ponds.
- Codes to authorize immediate missile touch-up painting.
- Nude submarine photos.
- A mnemonic device for easily remembering all five oceans.
- Intelligence that submarines are vulnerable to holes that let in water.
- Design models for theoretical land submarine.
- Faded old blueprint titled “For Use On Pearl Harbor.”
- The bathroom code at the Naval Base San Diego gift shop.
- Gruesome photos of Navy SEALs executing a baby mermaid.
- Business card for engineer’s espionage service in case foreign power wants to refer friend.
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