MILFORD, CT—Rolling out the new mental health initiative at locations nationwide, fast food chain Subway announced this week that it had implemented a mandatory 72-hour psychiatric hold for anyone thinking of ordering a sandwich from one of its restaurants. “For their own safety and the safety of those around them, anyone who contemplates purchasing or eating one of our signature subs will be involuntarily detained for up to three days,” said spokesperson Gina Debbs, adding that customers would be held in a secure, Subway-operated psychiatric facility where their intent to self-harm would be assessed by asking them to rate, on a scale of one to 10, how appetizing they found each menu item to be. “In most cases, once we evaluate the customer for a couple of days, it’s no longer necessary to hold them against their will, as they realize the seriousness of their condition and are willing to undergo any course of treatment necessary to ensure they never actually ingest a Cold Cut Combo or Turkey Cali Club. They soon realize that if they don’t find a way to change, they’ll wind up out on the streets and desperate, holding a foot-long Buffalo Chicken Melt up to their mouth.” Subway also announced that in order to better serve the communities in which it operates, the company would donate a portion of its profits to shutting local Subway franchises.
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