PATRIOTS PLAYERS TO WATCH: Tom Brady
Strengths: Can always see loopholes in NFL rules that other quarterbacks can’t; At age 37, still has what it takes to lead team through another enormous controversy
Weakness: Part of brain that regulates feelings of fulfillment
Position: Prince of Football
Key Stat: Has thrown for more yards in the playoffs using non-regulation footballs than any other quarterback in history
Life Goal: To someday venture outside pocket just to see what it’s like out there
Public Image: Handsome, all-American cheater
Favorite Victoria’s Secret Model: Alessandra Ambrosio
Biggest Secret: Thinks the “Tuck Rule” call was absolute bullshit
Number Of Times He’s Seen Photo Of ‘Helmet Catch’ Since 2007: 12,836
Favorite Leisure Activity: Relaxing in bed while reading a few opposing teams’ playbooks