MINNEAPOLIS—Acting within the broad range of authority granted by his title and ordained position, University of Minnesota freshman Dan Horvath, His Royal Highness and Supreme Ruler of the Frontier Hall Laundry Room, removed a load of damp clothes belonging to some lesser being from one of his dominion's washers Monday and placed it atop the machine, sources confirmed. The honorable Lord Horvath, whose power has reportedly remained unchallenged since orientation week and whose indomitable reign spans the entirety of the fluorescent-lit basement facility, allegedly made space for his far more worthy fabrics without giving so much as a thought to the anonymous plebeian’s wet clothing. Sources confirmed that His Majesty did not squander any additional moments by measuring out detergent as his subjects do, but rather tossed a Tide Pod into the washer with his garments, a product surely reserved for those of Horvath’s stature. At press time, the glorified autocrat could be seen removing his royal garb from one of the dryers and then leaving, deeming it far below his rank to empty the machine’s lint filter.

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