Surgeon Totally Blanks On What He Cut Open Patient For

Illustration for article titled Surgeon Totally Blanks On What He Cut Open Patient For

LEWISTON, ME—Racking his brain for any potential explanation, local surgeon Sergio Mitchell totally blanked Wednesday on what he cut open a patient for. “Now why the hell did I make this giant slit again?” said Mitchell of the 6-inch-long transverse incision he made across his subject’s abdomen with a No. 10 scalpel, retracing his steps from the prep room to the operating chamber in the hopes that it would jog his memory as to the nature of the procedure. “Am I supposed to be taking something out or putting something in? There’s no way I’m asking the nurse, ’cause then I’ll really look like a complete fucking idiot.” At press time, Mitchell decided to just keep cutting deeper with the hope that he would eventually find some clues.