If you live in America, chances are that you either know someone who has experienced a mass shooting or have experienced one yourself. The Onion asked survivors what it’s like to endure a mass shooting, and this is what they said.
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“Well, I sure as fuck saw what all the fuss was about AR-15s.”
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“It makes you really appreciate how free we are as a country when you’re hiding under a desk with bullets flying over your head.”
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“Those 15 minutes standing a safe distance away from the school while the suspect finished shooting were the most harrowing of my life.”
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“As far as being a paid crisis actor, it’s a pretty stable gig.”
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“There’s nothing like a brush with death to remind you that all your previously held beliefs are correct and should not be questioned.”
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“It’s easy to feel like you’re alone, but thankfully our lawmakers are working hard to ensure that our community of survivors grows bigger every year!”
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“I saw two children’s skulls blown open by AR-15 rounds right in front of me, so overall, I’d say it was bad.”
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“My boss let me use one of my three unpaid sick days to get sewed up.”
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“As I was leaving the hospital, Mitch McConnell pretended to bump into me and whispered into my ear, ‘I’ll get you eventually.’”
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“Everyone is really understanding for 48 hours, and then your boss will threaten to fire you if you take another day off.”
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“The flashbacks break up the monotony of the school day.”
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“Only two of my three kids came home from school, but Texas has no property taxes, so it’s a wash.”
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“I was proud to be experiencing the free exercise of American constitutional rights.”
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“I’m just glad I could help someone feel so powerful.”
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“Thanks to Ted Cruz’s thoughts and prayers, my PTSD was healed, and I didn’t need therapy one bit.”
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“I don’t know what you might’ve heard, but it really sucks.”
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“Just wait a few months, and you’ll probably find out for yourself.”
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