UCAYALI REGION, PERU—Entering an altered state of consciousness after sipping from a sacred bowl containing the entheogenic brew prepared by a Shipibo shaman, Susan G. Komen president Ellen Willmott achieved total breast cancer awareness Monday during a three-day ayahuasca retreat. “I see it all before me now, why, everything is pink,” said Willmott, sitting cross-legged in a wooden hut, explaining how she saw all of the statistics, risk factors, and early screening methods dancing before her like stars in a cosmic symphony, separate yet all one. “The breakthroughs in immunotherapy treatment, the struggles that still face survivors, I see it all in an endlessly refracting field, spreading across space and time. I have reached a higher plane where breast cancer awareness is everywhere, it’s everything—even I am breast cancer awareness, yes, I feel it flow through every fiber of my being.” After Willmott came down from her trip, she told reporters that she also saw the cure, but it slipped from her mind while she was on all fours vomiting.
More from The Onion