CHICAGO—Finding itself desperately uncertain that it could take it much longer, the sweat-soaked mattress belonging to Jared and Carla Ames prayed Wednesday that this would be the year the couple finally invested in air conditioning. “It’s pricey, I get it, but for Christ’s sake, I’m literally drowning here and these fans are doing less than jack shit,” said the queen-sized mattress, which claimed it has spent the last five summers yearning with every ounce of its memory foam core for a higher power to intervene and compel the couple to splurge on a window unit. “I start every night warm and reach every morning absolutely sopping wet. This can’t go on. Changing the sheets doesn’t do a thing. I’m constantly damp, and I smell like absolute shit. Mildew can’t be far off. I look like they found me in an alley.” At press time, the mattress was praying the couple would discover the $10,000 in cash stuffed inside of it and move to an apartment with central air.
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