IRVINE, CA—Realizing his entire presentation deck consisted of little more than the proposed tagline “Twice The Crunch And Twice The Munch,” perspiring CornNuts vice president of marketing Jim Ralston was observed Thursday stammering his way through a pitch for a potential new Taco Bell menu item he termed the “Nutsarito.” “So, basically, we—just in time for, probably, Cinco de Mayo, we, I mean fans of America’s favorite fast food chain, in partnership with CornNuts, we will finally taste all five flavors of CornNuts. That’s with the Nutsarito, naturally, I mean,” said Ralston, who repeatedly referenced an index card on which was written the lone sweat-smeared word “Kernel-tastic.” “And we could do something called a Cornlupa, too, maybe? Corn-a-lupa? CornNuts could of course be sprinkled inside the taco or nachos, or maybe they’re in the shell. CornNuts are the shell! Yeah! For teens. Teens will love the Nutsarito, just like older people, though older people aren’t the target demo, especially for our Chile Picante and Jalepeño Cheddar flavors, which they hate. But wait—forget about that. Forget that. Shit. Shit, shit, shit, I’m sorry, let’s see. We have easy deliverables. We’d work with you. We don’t need anything on our side, we need you more than you need us, please, I’m asking for your help here. Nutsarito! I promise, it would work. It has to. Please.” After being thanked for his time and politely but firmly dismissed, Ralston was seen cursing through tears at the sight of a confident and smiling Bugles marketing manager arriving in the Taco Bell executive lobby.
More from The Onion