WASHINGTON—Acknowledging they had been going back and forth on possible options for much of the past 15 years and that none really seemed to fit, citizens across the country confirmed Sunday they had decided to just go ahead and declare that “freedom prevails over hate” was the enduring lesson of the September 11,…

WASHINGTON—Highlighting the gaping security holes that continue to persist 15 years after the attacks, an encouraging report released Thursday by radical extremist think tank the Caliphate Institute determined that the United States is no safer than it was before 9/11. “Despite efforts to expand digital surveillance…

MADISON, CT—After several warnings to stop his fidgeting and keep quiet during the town’s 9/11 memorial service, 6-year-old Caleb Goetz was sternly reminded by his mother that today is a sad day, sources confirmed this morning. “Caleb, we’re sad today, so no more goofing around. Got it?” said the boy’s mother, Hannah…

‘No One’s Going To Choose The 14th Anniversary Of Something To Attack,’ Says Secretary

WASHINGTON—Saying they felt a duty to reveal what truly transpired on September 11, 2001, numerous high-ranking federal officials announced publicly Tuesday that the United States government was responsible for destroying just the North Tower of the World Trade Center.

As America reflects on the anniversary of the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks, here are a few ways our nation’s perceptions have changed in the wake of 9/11:

NEW YORK—Eagerly digging into a Southwest chicken wrap after touring the site for two hours this morning, Michael Frydland admitted to reporters that he felt a little guilty about totally pigging out at the National September 11 Memorial & Museum café. “I feel kind of bad chowing down on all this food when I’m…

MANCHESTER, NH—Claiming that the evidence is in plain sight for those who want to see it, local man and passionate 9/11 Truth movement supporter Victor Sidwell, 32, told reporters Wednesday that he will not rest until everyone knows that he is a complete asshole.

GALLATIN, TN—Furrowing his brow and nervously swinging his legs beneath his desk during his end-of-unit American History test, Sycamore Elementary fourth-grader Todd Ackerman reportedly found himself drawing a complete blank Monday on which year the 9/11 terrorist attacks occurred. “I know it begins with a two, and I…

NEW YORK—Despite the surprising coincidence of finding a perfectly formed swastika amidst the broken girders of the Twin Towers, 9/11 memorial curators have opted not to display the symbol, choosing instead to leave it in the storage facility where it has been located for the past 10 years. "On the one hand, it's…

NEW YORK—As media coverage of the 10th anniversary of 9/11 ramps up this week, citizens across the United States collectively realized they would rather think about the terrorist attacks of 2001 than about anything else that has transpired in the subsequent decade. "The events of Sept. 11 were unspeakably tragic, but…

NEW YORK—The makers of Laffy Taffy, a chewy fruit-flavored candy known for the lighthearted jokes printed on each wrapper, announced Tuesday they would pay tribute to the victims of 9/11 by sponsoring every single cobblestone at the World Trade Center memorial. "No one can ever forget the events of that tragic day,…

UPDATE: Giant Bin Laden Destroys New York, Washington

NEW YORK—Osama bin Laden, 54-year-old leader of the international terrorist group al-Qaeda and mastermind of the 9/11 attacks that took nearly 3,000 American lives in 2001, was killed early Monday morning in Pakistan while sitting on the toilet, the U.S. populace took great pleasure in imagining today. “Just thinking…

Recognizes Those Who Rushed To Cash In On Tragedy

SALINA, KS—Local man Scott Gentries told reporters Wednesday that his deliberately limited grasp of Islamic history and culture was still more than sufficient to shape his views of the entire Muslim world.