TEMPE, AZ—Advising passengers on Flight 523 to Chicago to sit tight while the aircraft was rerouted, United Airlines pilot Thomas Langard informed his passengers Friday that they would be altering course to avoid a scary cloud that looked just like a big shark. “This is your captain speaking; it’s my duty to inform…
BOSTON—Positively salivating at the unsuspecting customer moving in her direction, flight attendant Melissa Holmes reportedly licked her lips Friday as a traveler approached the gate with a large suitcase. “Yeah, that’s right—take that overpacked Samsonite and come to Mama,” said Holmes, rubbing her hands together…
CHICAGO—Explaining the growing need to tighten restrictions for the comfort of their guests, United Airlines officials announced Monday plans to update their policy on allowing dogfights in the passenger cabin. “Effective immediately, United will no longer permit guests to stage dogfights or any other bloodsport on…
COLLEGE PARK, MD—Saying not one of his fellow citizens even approached his level of well-being, a study published Thursday in The Journal of Applied Psychology found that a man starting Analyze This on JetBlue flight 598 to Boston is currently the happiest person in America. “We observed that as the occupant of seat…
NEW YORK—In an effort to continue delivering games to viewers in new and innovative ways, the NFL announced plans Wednesday to begin streaming “Thursday Night Football” exclusively on Delta flights. “We are thrilled that NFL fans will now be able to enjoy the excitement of ‘Thursday Night Football’ exclusively through…
FORT WORTH, TX—In an effort to provide the most luxurious experience to their most preferred clientele, American Airlines announced Wednesday that they had installed two-way mirrors in their Admirals Club lounges so that members could enjoy the misery of the passengers in the gate waiting area. “These wall-length…
CHICAGO—In response to the executive order restricting entry to the United States from six majority-Muslim nations, United Airlines announced Friday that the carrier will offer immigrants and refugees special flights that continuously circle the country until gaps in the travel ban allow them to land. “We’re excited…
‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO
This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.
LOS ANGELES—The grave implications of his vanity dawning on him, local man Ed Paitz realized what an arrogant fool he’s been after skipping the moving walkway at Los Angeles International Airport, sources said Thursday. “My god, what have I done?” said a despairing Paitz, realizing that, alas, he must live with the…
SAN FRANCISCO—Slinking stealthily as he scanned the departure desk for any sudden movement, local man Aaron Smith reportedly prowled San Francisco International Airport’s gate 33 Friday like a jungle cat ready to pounce at the first sign of a boarding announcement. Smith, whose pupils had fully dilated after…
NEW YORK—According to sources throughout the commercial aviation sector, the nation’s airlines will begin installing awkwardly placed bumps in every airplane seatback this week because it reportedly brings great pleasure to them. “Over the next four to six months, across our entire fleet, we’ll be rolling out seats…
Whether the busy travel season, fuel prices, or airline collusion is to blame, airfare is currently very pricey, making traveling more difficult. The Onion walks you through some ways to reduce the cost of flying:
ATLANTA—Casually holding the drink between her index finger and thumb, a Delta Airlines flight attendant is at this moment trying to pass a cup of cranberry juice over your laptop, sources aboard the aircraft have confirmed. The plastic receptacle, which is filled nearly to the brim and rippling due to mild…
BOSTON—Mobilizing from various corners of the seating area to form a unified front, an unlikely team of allies at Logan International Airport rallied together at gate B32 to take on the American Airlines boarding agent, sources reported Friday. “If we’re allowed two carry-ons I don’t get why we’re being told to check…
DENVER—Expressing their sympathy for the difficult and humiliating situation he was currently enduring, passengers seated in Terminal B of Denver International Airport told reporters Friday how sorry they felt for a flustered toddler who was traveling with two loud, obnoxious parents. “It must be so awful to have to…
NEW YORK—Choosing to fast in an apparent attempt to reach an elevated plane of existence, humble ascetic Jonathan Weaver declined the complimentary snack and beverage service during his flight from New York to Atlanta, sources confirmed Wednesday. “No, thank you,” said the modern-day Siddhartha, opting to maintain his…
ATLANTA—In an effort to foster lifelong connections with past fliers and provide them with updates on the lives of their old cabinmates, Delta Air Lines announced Thursday the launch of Flown, an alumni magazine for its former passengers.
