Researchers Say That First Warning Sign Of Alcoholism Generally Driving Over Curb, Plowing Through Fire Hydrant, And Crashing Into Aquarium

ATHENS, OH—According to a three-year study published Friday by researchers at the University of Ohio, the first warning sign of alcoholism is usually driving over a curb, plowing through a fire hydrant, and crashing into an oversized aquarium. “That data strongly suggest that the earliest indication you may have a…

‘Just Take It Slow, And You’ll Be Fine,’ Drunk Driver Assures Self While Speeding Away In Stolen Police Car

ATLANTA—In an effort to avoid arousing any suspicion, drunk driver Jeff Macklin reportedly assured himself while speeding away in a stolen police car Monday that he would be totally fine if he just took it slow. “All you gotta do is take this nice and easy, and everything will turn out A-okay,” said the inebriated…