‘Fly, My Pretties,’ Says Jeff Bezos Releasing Swarm Of Amazon Drones To Hunt Down Nude Photos
MEDINA, WA—Standing on the roof of his towering estate as the tiny machines buzzed all around him, Amazon CEO Jeff…
Horrified Nation Wakes Up On Cyber Monday To Find Amazon Echo Devices Embedded Beneath Skin
WASHINGTON—Scratching at the smooth, glowing bumps and simultaneously screaming with horror, 325 million terrified…
New York City Announces Subway Just For Amazon Employees Now
NEW YORK—Championing the decision as a necessary step to make the “Big Apple” more tech-friendly, New York City mayor…
‘You Are All Inside Amazon’s Second Headquarters,’ Jeff Bezos Announces To Horrified Americans As Massive Dome Envelops Nation
SEATTLE—After a search for a new location lasting more than a year, a massive dome was seen descending from the sky and…
Paper Towels On Amazon Surge To $2,000 A Roll After Crippling Cost Increase Of Paying Workers A Living Wage
SEATTLE—Hours after the online retailer’s announcement that it would increase the minimum hourly pay rate to $15 for…
Pros And Cons Of Amazon
Amazon has relied on its convenience and low prices to become the biggest online retailer on the planet, but the…
Jeff Bezos Announces Customers Can Delete All Of Alexa’s Stored Audio By Rappelling Into Amazon HQ, Navigating Laser Field, Uploading Nanovirus To Servers
SEATTLE—Responding to news of the digital assistant recording users’ conversations without their knowledge, Amazon CEO…
Amazon Fires Warehouse Worker Who Took Unauthorized Breath
CARTERET, NJ—Saying the longtime warehouse associate blatantly disregarded company protocol regarding permitted…
Jeff Bezos Tables Latest Breakthrough Cost-Cutting Idea After Realizing It’s Just Slaves
SEATTLE—Deciding at the last minute to hold off due to ethical concerns, Amazon founder and CEO Jeff Bezos reportedly…
Amazon Warehouses Stocked With 20,000 Doctors In Preparation For Healthcare Launch
SEATTLE—Saying the online retailer was attempting to get ahead of the anticipated rush, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos announced…
Dazed Jeff Bezos Realizes He Spent Entire Conversation Thinking About How To Automate Person Talking To Him
SEATTLE—Suddenly snapping back to attention, a dazed Jeff Bezos reportedly realized Thursday that he had spent an…
Jeff Bezos Named Amazon Employee Of The Month
SEATTLE—Recognizing his professionalism and the extra effort he brings each and every day, Amazon announced Thursday…
Confident Philadelphia Officials Preemptively Raze Center City To Make Room For Amazon Headquarters
PHILADELPHIA—Convinced they will win the highly competitive contest to host the e-commerce giant’s new offices,…
Popular New Amazon Service Just Comes To Your House And Kills You
SEATTLE—Reporting that millions of customers had already signed up for the feature in the few hours since its launch,…
Jeff Bezos’ Heart Breaks A Little Reading Albany’s Amazon Headquarters Pitch
SEATTLE—Cringing as he scanned the section touting the city as the economic and cultural core of New York State’s…
‘Without Them You Could Buy Anything,’ Whispers Amazon Echo As Man Stares Blankly At Family
FEDERAL WAY, WA—Standing stock-still as he listened intently to what the device was telling him, local man Adam Kernan…