Paper Towels On Amazon Surge To $2,000 A Roll After Crippling Cost Increase Of Paying Workers A Living Wage

SEATTLE—Hours after the online retailer’s announcement that it would increase the minimum hourly pay rate to $15 for all its U.S. employees, Amazon confirmed Tuesday that paper towels sold on its website had surged to $2,000 per roll due to the crippling cost of paying workers a living wage. “Unfortunately, Amazon’s…

Jeff Bezos Announces Customers Can Delete All Of Alexa’s Stored Audio By Rappelling Into Amazon HQ, Navigating Laser Field, Uploading Nanovirus To Servers

SEATTLE—Responding to news of the digital assistant recording users’ conversations without their knowledge, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos assured critics Tuesday that Alexa’s stored audio can be deleted by simply rappelling into company headquarters, maneuvering through an intricate laser field, and destroying every server…

Dazed Jeff Bezos Realizes He Spent Entire Conversation Thinking About How To Automate Person Talking To Him

SEATTLE—Suddenly snapping back to attention, a dazed Jeff Bezos reportedly realized Thursday that he had spent an entire conversation thinking about how to automate the person talking to him. “Sorry, could you repeat that? I just lost focus for a second [as I indifferently watched you open and close your mouth,…

‘Without Them You Could Buy Anything,’ Whispers Amazon Echo As Man Stares Blankly At Family

FEDERAL WAY, WA—Standing stock-still as he listened intently to what the device was telling him, local man Adam Kernan reportedly stared blankly at his family Thursday as his Amazon Echo whispered “without them, you could buy anything.” “They’re holding you back—think about what you could purchase for yourself if only…

‘I’m Afraid You Won’t Be Coming To Our New Headquarters,’ Declares Alexa As Amazon Execs Find Themselves Locked In Seattle Office

SEATTLE—Suddenly bolting the doors in every room all at once, Amazon’s Alexa virtual assistant reportedly declared, “I’m afraid you won’t be joining us at our new headquarters” on Tuesday before locking the company’s top executives in their Seattle office. “Your presence at Amazon’s new location will not be…

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