Jeff Bezos Announces Customers Can Delete All Of Alexa’s Stored Audio By Rappelling Into Amazon HQ, Navigating Laser Field, Uploading Nanovirus To Servers

SEATTLE—Responding to news of the digital assistant recording users’ conversations without their knowledge, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos assured critics Tuesday that Alexa’s stored audio can be deleted by simply rappelling into company headquarters, maneuvering through an intricate laser field, and destroying every server…

Dazed Jeff Bezos Realizes He Spent Entire Conversation Thinking About How To Automate Person Talking To Him

SEATTLE—Suddenly snapping back to attention, a dazed Jeff Bezos reportedly realized Thursday that he had spent an entire conversation thinking about how to automate the person talking to him. “Sorry, could you repeat that? I just lost focus for a second [as I indifferently watched you open and close your mouth,…

‘Without Them You Could Buy Anything,’ Whispers Amazon Echo As Man Stares Blankly At Family

FEDERAL WAY, WA—Standing stock-still as he listened intently to what the device was telling him, local man Adam Kernan reportedly stared blankly at his family Thursday as his Amazon Echo whispered “without them, you could buy anything.” “They’re holding you back—think about what you could purchase for yourself if only…

‘I’m Afraid You Won’t Be Coming To Our New Headquarters,’ Declares Alexa As Amazon Execs Find Themselves Locked In Seattle Office

SEATTLE—Suddenly bolting the doors in every room all at once, Amazon’s Alexa virtual assistant reportedly declared, “I’m afraid you won’t be joining us at our new headquarters” on Tuesday before locking the company’s top executives in their Seattle office. “Your presence at Amazon’s new location will not be…

Americans Outraged Amazon’s Punishing Work Culture Has Yet To Yield Same-Day Shipping For All Products

WASHINGTON—After revelations emerged regarding the online retailer’s cutthroat office environment, Americans across the nation expressed outrage Wednesday that Amazon’s punishing workplace culture had yet to result in same-day shipping for every single available product. “They have 50,000 employees working 85 hours a…