Dog Feels Like He Always Has To Be ‘On’ Around Family
MORRISTOWN, NJ—Complaining that he is never able to relax and just be himself, local dog Crackers reported Thursday…
Butterfly Under Immense Pressure Not To Fuck Up Timeline With Misplaced Wing Flap
MANAUS, BRAZIL—Paralyzed by the infinite possibilities involved in moving from his branch, a Menelaus blue morpho…
Woman Adopts Second Cat For First One To Terrorize While She At Work
BLUE BELL, PA—Saying it would be nice for her cat Joplin to have some company during the day, realtor Christie Marie…
Ecologists Urge Birds To Avert Global Decline Of Insects By Adopting Seed-Based Diet
ITHACA, NY—In an effort to preserve a critical component of the global ecosystem, ecology experts urged the planet’s…
Dog Can’t Believe Owner Left On Fucking MSNBC To Keep It Company While She At Work
OKLAHOMA CITY—Expressing outrage at the obnoxious programming he’d be forced to sit through for the next several hours,…
Authorities Swiftly Announce 1,600 Washington Dairy Cows Found Mutilated, Arranged In Pentagram Killed By Blizzard
SUNNYSIDE, WA—Asserting that the matter was a simple weather-related livestock incident requiring no particular…
Lonely Elderly Man Visits Pond To Pelt Ducks With Rocks
ROCK ISLAND, IL—Explaining that his frequent visits to the creatures helped give him a much-needed sense of perspective…
Yosemite Closed Indefinitely After Bear Spotted In Park
YOSEMITE VILLAGE, CA—Claiming their responsibility to protect the lives of visitors and employees outweighs any…
Inexperienced Puppy Bowl Team Still Hasn’t Opened Eyes Yet
NEW YORK—Noting that their youth would likely be a major factor in determining the outcome of Puppy Bowl XV, analysts…
Marine Biologists Train Highly Intelligent Octopus To Profitably Manage Mid-Size Aluminum Goods Supplier
HONOLULU—Noting that the cephalopod’s natural problem-solving abilities had far surpassed their expectations, marine…
Nature Preserve Sets Up Unrealistic Expectations With Visitor’s Center Full Of Taxidermied Animals
MAPLEWOOD, MN—Presenting a romanticized snapshot of regional biodiversity, a local nature preserve reportedly set…
Pros And Cons Of Pet Insurance
Insurance for pets has been on the rise in recent years, and is now an over $1 billion industry representing millions…
Department Of Interior To Control Rising Mole Population By Releasing Mallets Into National Parks
WASHINGTON—In an effort to curb the skyrocketing mole populations, officials at the U.S. Department of the Interior…