Orca Mother Carries Around Dead Calf For Two Weeks As Warning To All Who Would Defy Her

FRIDAY HARBOR, WA—Saying that the unusual behavior was in fact a natural expression of the animal’s relationship to both its dead kin and its social environment, experts at the Center for Whale Research held a dockside press conference Monday to confirm that the orca who carried around her dead calf for two weeks did…

Woodpecker Having Difficulty Remembering Tree Where He Got The Really Good Bugs That One Time

SUCHES, GA—Expressing frustration that he hadn’t made a mental note when he first encountered such a stellar food source, a woodpecker was reportedly having difficulty Tuesday remembering the tree where he got all those really good bugs that one time. “I know it’s somewhere in this stretch of forest, but I can’t for…

Man Who Has Never Seen Horseshoe Crab Before Understandably Freaking The Fuck Out

NORTH BEACH, MD—Backing away slowly as the prehistoric antediluvian monster scuttled ever closer to his beach blanket, first-time horseshoe crab viewer Greg Zeller, 33, of Davenport, IA understandably freaked right the fuck out Tuesday. “Holy shit—what the fuck is that thing?” exclaimed the vacationing insurance…

L’Oreal Suspends Production Of Irresistible 2-Step Lip Color Stick After Lab Rat Seduces Way Out Of Facility

NEW YORK—Warning that the sultry, long-lasting product had been instrumental in the company’s biggest security breach to date, L’Oreal has halted testing of their Irresistible 2-Step Lip Color Stick Friday after a lab rat wearing the compelling cosmetic seduced its way out of their facility. “At approximately 8 p.m.…