CAPE ELIZABETH, ME—In what is being described as the most ruthless act of bovine–crustacean violence in years, local authorities confirmed Monday that a charging herd of cattle had trampled 49 lobsters to death on the southern coast of Maine, marking a bloody escalation in their surf ’n’ turf war.
EARTH—Insisting that the planet’s resources could be put to far better use than toward their own paltry existence, the world’s salamander population reportedly gathered Thursday to bravely announce their willingness to go extinct in the place of a better animal. “We’ll do it. We’re small, slimy, and stupid, and we…
SAN JOSE, CA—Unable to completely dismiss his doubt over his partner’s motives, a male North American black-billed magpie admitted Monday his concerns that his mate was only interested in him for the vast collection of shiny objects lining his nest. “I invited her over to the tree to chill, but she spent more time…
DABOYA, GHANA—Birds fell from the sky, meerkats devoured their young, and shrieking packs of lions, zebras, and baboons reportedly ran off cliffs in staggering numbers as the shadow of Melania Trump’s jet passed over the African savanna Tuesday. Sources confirmed that as the plane carrying the first lady moved across…
TUSCALOOSA, AL—In a groundbreaking experiment that shows humans aren’t the only species capable of operating industry-standard recording software, researchers at the University of Alabama confirmed Thursday they had observed chimpanzees using Pro Tools. “Within minutes of being placed near a full suite of audio…
NEW YORK—Noting their begrudging respect while singing praises of the winged mammals, zoologists nationwide admitted Monday that you’ve really got to hand it to bats for learning how to fly. “After extensive research, we’ve found that you have to give bats their due for figuring out how to soar through the air,” said…
KALAMAZOO, MI—Failing to complete the simple task despite his ostensibly robust academic background, onlooking students at Kalamazoo College reported Wednesday that their supposedly educated literature professor Gene Cabella demonstrated no clue as to how to rid their lecture hall of a bird that had flown in through…
MONROE, WA—His eyes rolling in his head and his mane tossing as he contemplated the approach of the hulking figure in line at his paddock, Camp Hamilton resident Shetland pony Murph experienced an equine anxiety attack Thursday while waiting for his trainer to flag an unusually large child as being too big for a ride.…
CODAJÁS, BRAZIL—Saying that he was willing to try anything once, a praying mantis in the Amazon rainforest hesitantly agreed to his girlfriend’s sexual fantasy of eating his head during sex, sources confirmed Thursday. “Honestly, I was a little wary when she first told me she was fantasizing about devouring my head,…
LOS ANGELES—Slamming the practice as cruel and inhumane, the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals condemned the British Broadcasting Corporation Tuesday for trapping thousands of endangered animals inside television screens. “It is disgusting the way the BBC keeps these endangered species confined inside TV…
FRIDAY HARBOR, WA—Saying that the unusual behavior was in fact a natural expression of the animal’s relationship to both its dead kin and its social environment, experts at the Center for Whale Research held a dockside press conference Monday to confirm that the orca who carried around her dead calf for two weeks did…
ALBUQUERQUE, NM—Narrowly avoiding disaster thanks to a split-second maneuver, local driver Michael Rispanti reportedly swerved his vehicle Thursday to avoid a whitetail deer that was standing right in the middle of the Albuquerque Zoo. “Jesus! It came out of nowhere,” said 35-year-old Rispanti, acknowledging that he…
ITHACA, NY—Finding himself nearly paralyzed by frustration and indecision, an American horned owl couldn’t remember which direction to turn in order to rotate his head back into place, avian sources confirmed Monday. “God, I always do this. I’m pretty sure it’s righty-tighty, lefty-loosey, but I forget which way I…
KENNEWICK, WA—Deftly maneuvering to control the emotional tone and establish the primacy of her own narrative before the story got out of control, 3-year-old Jack Russell terrier Muffin met her owner at the door upon his return from work Monday in a desperate attempt to get ahead of an unfolding…
SIOUX CITY, IA—Dismayed by the apparent impossibility of finding a nice place to sit for a second without causing a huge commotion, western honey bee HBW/A395-630-G6 reportedly wished Monday that it could hang around its traditional resting place, an open soda can, without people totally freaking out. “Jesus Christ,…
HAGERSTOWN, MD—Acknowledging the rodent’s hot streak over the past few weeks, local man Jackson Ramos confirmed Wednesday that his pet gerbil named Butter has been absolutely crushing it lately. “Rolling around in the clear ball, nibbling pellets, running on his wheel—God, the guy’s just been knocking it out of the…
