46-Year-Old Spinster Dies Surrounded By Cats
Report: Ants Having Some Kind Of Party Inside Crack In Pavement
SOUTH JORDAN, UT—Saying the bustling scene looked like a veritable “blowout” for the six-limbed insects, local sources confirmed Tuesday that a group of ants were having some kind of wild party inside a crack in the pavement. “Wow, those ants look like they must be having a total blast in there,” said Sam Pendleton, a…
Himalayan Goat Dies Following Failed Everest Climb
KATHMANDU, NEPAL—Confirming the worst fears of friends and family, authorities announced Thursday that a Himalayan goat that went missing 10 days ago on the treacherous southwest face of Mount Everest has died following a failed ascent. “At approximately 8:30 a.m. this morning, a group of Canadian climbers discovered…
Kissing Mule In Wedding Dress Right On The Lips Real Wakeup Call For Town Drunk
DESERT GULCH, AZ—Saying the incident had led him to fully reconsider his past behavior, town drunk Gus McCord told reporters Thursday that a bender culminating in him kissing a mule in a wedding dress right on the lips had served as a major wake-up call. “Heck, I reckon there’s no bigger eye-opener than lifting the…
L’Oreal Suspends Production Of Irresistible 2-Step Lip Color Stick After Lab Rat Seduces Way Out Of Facility
NEW YORK—Warning that the sultry, long-lasting product had been instrumental in the company’s biggest security breach to date, L’Oreal has halted testing of their Irresistible 2-Step Lip Color Stick Friday after a lab rat wearing the compelling cosmetic seduced its way out of their facility. “At approximately 8 p.m.…
New Study Confirms Sharks Just Really Angry Dolphins
GAINESVILLE, FL—Upending the conventional theory that the animals are different species, a study conducted by marine biologists at the University of Florida confirmed Thursday that sharks are just really angry dolphins. “An exhaustive five-year-long field study combined with comprehensive DNA analysis proves that…
Once-Adventurous Salmon Can’t Believe She Ended Up Moving Back To Birthplace, Having A Bunch Of Kids
PENOBSCOT RIVER, ME—Recalling numerous thrill-seeking exploits and fearless endeavors, a north Atlantic salmon confirmed Monday that, having always lived an adventurous life, she couldn’t believe she ended up moving back to her birthplace and having a bunch of kids. “I was carefree and always up for going wherever the…
Cows Go Extinct
WASHINGTON—In a deeply disturbing finding that has sent shockwaves throughout the nation and the world, officials from the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service confirmed Thursday that cows have gone extinct.
Report: Sharks To Only Kill 10 People This Year But One Of Them Will Be You
WOODS HOLE, MA—A report released Tuesday by the Woods Hole Oceanographic Institution revealed that only 10 individuals will fall victim to fatal shark attacks in 2018; however, you will be one of the victims. “Taken as a whole, the number of people killed by sharks annually has remained fairly low, which is great news…
FDA Deems Genetically Modified Salmon Too Handsome To Eat
WASHINGTON—Following months of analysis into the animal’s stunning good looks, the Food and Drug Administration announced Monday that genetically modified salmon are far too handsome to eat. “After several rounds of clinical testing, we have determined that these genetically altered fish are safe for human…
Study: Only 40% Of Mice Have Little Welcome Mat, Doorway Leading To Tiny Home Inside Wall
CAMBRIDGE, MA—In a troubling revelation concerning the living conditions of millions nationwide, a Harvard University study confirmed Wednesday that only 40 percent of mice in the continental U.S. have a little welcome mat and doorway leading to a tiny home inside a wall. “Our research shows that, disturbingly, less…
