FRIDAY HARBOR, WA—Saying that the unusual behavior was in fact a natural expression of the animal’s relationship to both its dead kin and its social environment, experts at the Center for Whale Research held a dockside press conference Monday to confirm that the orca who carried around her dead calf for two weeks did…

ITHACA, NY—Finding himself nearly paralyzed by frustration and indecision, an American horned owl couldn’t remember which direction to turn in order to rotate his head back into place, avian sources confirmed Monday. “God, I always do this. I’m pretty sure it’s righty-tighty, lefty-loosey, but I forget which way I…

KENNEWICK, WA—Deftly maneuvering to control the emotional tone and establish the primacy of her own narrative before the story got out of control, 3-year-old Jack Russell terrier Muffin met her owner at the door upon his return from work Monday in a desperate attempt to get ahead of an unfolding…

SIOUX CITY, IA—Dismayed by the apparent impossibility of finding a nice place to sit for a second without causing a huge commotion, western honey bee HBW/A395-630-G6 reportedly wished Monday that it could hang around its traditional resting place, an open soda can, without people totally freaking out. “Jesus Christ,…

HAGERSTOWN, MD—Acknowledging the rodent’s hot streak over the past few weeks, local man Jackson Ramos confirmed Wednesday that his pet gerbil named Butter has been absolutely crushing it lately. “Rolling around in the clear ball, nibbling pellets, running on his wheel—God, the guy’s just been knocking it out of the…

SUCHES, GA—Expressing frustration that he hadn’t made a mental note when he first encountered such a stellar food source, a woodpecker was reportedly having difficulty Tuesday remembering the tree where he got all those really good bugs that one time. “I know it’s somewhere in this stretch of forest, but I can’t for…

NEW YORK—Urging animal owners to pay closer attention to the day-to-day psychological welfare of their pets, the ASPCA released a report Wednesday warning that many Americans are not giving their dogs the correct name. “We found that nearly 60 percent of canines are given a name that does not reflect who they really…

SOUTH JORDAN, UT—Saying the bustling scene looked like a veritable “blowout” for the six-limbed insects, local sources confirmed Tuesday that a group of ants were having some kind of wild party inside a crack in the pavement. “Wow, those ants look like they must be having a total blast in there,” said Sam Pendleton, a…

KATHMANDU, NEPAL—Confirming the worst fears of friends and family, authorities announced Thursday that a Himalayan goat that went missing 10 days ago on the treacherous southwest face of Mount Everest has died following a failed ascent. “At approximately 8:30 a.m. this morning, a group of Canadian climbers discovered…

NEW YORK—Warning that the sultry, long-lasting product had been instrumental in the company’s biggest security breach to date, L’Oreal has halted testing of their Irresistible 2-Step Lip Color Stick Friday after a lab rat wearing the compelling cosmetic seduced its way out of their facility. “At approximately 8 p.m.…