Historical Archives: M. Webster’s New “Dictionary” Shall Burden Us With A Tyranny Of Words
Be it Known, that the Scoundrel & Cat-A-Mite who goes by the Monniker of Noah WEBSTER, is presently at Work on the most Infernal and D——d of Bookes, that being a Dictionary, or a Sort of Primer or Manual, for the Spelling and Usage of the Written Worrd. It is, of Corse, Plain to all Rationnel Foulk that need’d we an…
Ask a Slaughterhouse Killing Floor Worker
Dear Slaughterhouse Killing Floor Worker:
Local Merchant 'Sane Freddie' Driven Out of Business
Unable to Compete With New Breed of Insane Retailers
Pet Eligibles
Critters Who Need Good Homes
My Seed Is Pure
For eight years I have been the leading supplier of hybrid seed corn in Winneshiek County, and the reason is clear: My seed is pure!
A Message from the Publisher: Only Hoover Can Get America Back to Work!
As I recall, it was the night of August 8, 1932. Hoover was in office, and my family was fighting to rally support for his re-election bid of that year.
Either Hubby Rick's Wacky Acrylic Baseball Cap Collection Goes, Or I Go!
Well, I finally finished the spring housecleaning. Now I understand why people give their houses a good cleaning only once a year—what a chore! We didn’t have dust bunnies, we had dust bears! And my vacuum cleaner was working so much overtime it almost went on strike!
U.S. Schools Unveil New Tony Danza-Based Curriculum
Focus to Shift from Reading and Math to Likable Veteran Sitcom Star
Atlanta-Area Church To Burn Ceremonially Throughout Olympics
ATLANTA, GA—In a moving display of the Olympic spirit, the First Baptist Church of Atlanta will burn ceremonially throughout the entirety of the 1996 Summer Games. The 950-member church officially began its 17-day burn Friday evening with a dramatic church-lighting ceremony. “Let this church inspire all the athletes…
Sports
Olympic mascot Izzy is at it again! When he's not appearing in corporate product placements, he's teaching kids worldwide that America has no cultural identity!
Bill Gates To Get Half
REDMOND, WA—In a move designed to hasten the inevitable, billionaire Microsoft tycoon Bill Gates announced yesterday that from now on, he will be getting half.
Bumbling Astronauts Caught in Wacky 'Lunch-Launch' Mix-up
HOUSTON—The international aerospace community was shocked Monday when the experimental new Phoebus 3 Space Shuttle rocketed into space prematurely, manned only with two bumbling NASA janitorial workers as pilot and crew.
Young Olympic Hopeful Realizes Dream of Killing Father
ATLANTA—U.S. Olympic gymnast Dominique Miller, 15, considered a favorite to bring home the gold in Atlanta, achieved her lifelong dream yesterday, killing her father/coach with a 12-gauge shotgun.
U.S. Drug Czar Announces: 'I'm Higher Than Hell Right Now'
WASHINGTON, D.C.—U.S. Drug Czar Richard B. McTaggart, the nation’s Commander in Chief in the War on Drugs, held a press conference yesterday to announce he is “higher than hell” after smoking marijuana with some friends.
Company To Use Internet To Waste Money, Employees’ Time
SAN FRANCISCO—An area medical supply firm unveiled plans yesterday to waste both money and employees’ time via the internet. ”By entering ‘cyberspace,’ we can reduce worker productivity and increase expenses exorbitantly at the same time,” said Stanley Habert, CEO of Syrus Industries. The company has already seen…
