Area Grandmother Tries Indian Food
BLOOMINGTON, MN—Characterizing the experience as "different," local grandmother Eileen Rutherford, 78, ate Indian food for the first time Saturday.
87 Killed In Violent Kerfuffle
ISLAMABAD—Eighty-seven people were killed and 114 wounded at an open-air market in Islamabad yesterday in one of the worst ruckuses to hit the Pakistani capital in years. Witnesses said that the bloody to-do occurred shortly before noontime prayers, and that dozens were instantly killed by the doozy of a shockwave.…
Asian Markets Fall Like Cherry Blossoms In Gentle Spring Rain
TOKYO, HONG KONG, SEOUL—Asian stocks closed one of the worst and most mournfully reflective months on record last week, with the falling American dollar negatively impacting trade volume and causing the markets to drift, like the faded cherry petals of spring blossoms, downward towards the shadowed sea of burgeoning…
Chinese Authorities Execute 10 Million Recalled Toys
BEIJING—In an attempt to assure the world's children that the millions of Chinese-made toys currently being recalled for containing toxic lead paint and tiny choking hazards can no longer hurt them, high-level Chinese officials announced Tuesday that millions of playthings are being rounded up and immediately put to…
Earthquake Sets Japan Back To 2147
TOKYO—Japanese government officials confirmed Monday that the damage wrought on Japan's national infrastructure by the July 16th earthquake—particularly on the country's protective force field, quantum teleportation system, zero-point fusion energy broadcasting grid, and psychodynamic communications network—was severe…
Why Was I Not Informed About Bruce Lee?
I am going to try to remain calm and keep in mind that you purport to be decent, rational people. As my parents and peers, you supposedly have my best interests at heart. But over the past 80 minutes, it has come to my attention that there exists a series of films featuring a man capable of the most unbridled and…
Richard Gere Angers India
Protesters in India burned Richard Gere's image in effigy after the actor repeatedly kissed a Bollywood actress at an AIDS awareness rally. What do you think?
Excited Red Sox Fans Eagerly Await Debut Of Matsuzaka's 'Ultimate Galactic Dragon Gyroball Pitch Power Explosion'
BOSTON—Now that Manny Ramirez has reported to camp and the spring-training opener against Minnesota is in the books, Red Sox fans are turning their attention to the awesome power rumored to dwell within much-touted off-season pitching acquisition Daisuke Matsuzaka—a man who many say possesses pitching powers and…
Americans Demand Military Response After Chinese Shoot Down DirecTV Satellite
WASHINGTON, DC—A citizens' group presented a petition signed by nearly 75 million Americans to key members of Congress Monday, demanding the United States take immediate military action against China after the Communist nation shot down a DirecTV satellite last week. "This is a blatant attack on the American way of…
Bush Rushing To Get Nation In Order Before Hu Jintao's Visit
WASHINGTON, DC—President Bush announced in a hastily arranged press conference Monday that he wanted to make the entire country "as presentable as possible" for visiting Chinese President Hu Jintao, who was scheduled to arrive for a five-day state visit in a matter of hours.
Dictator Slays Millions In Last-Minute Push To Be Time's Man Of The Year
RANGOON, MYANMAR—Than Shwe, the brutal dictator of the southeast Asian nation of Myanmar, dramatically increased his already horrific rate of murdering citizens this week in a late, desperate attempt to become Time magazine's 2006 Man Of The Year, who will be honored in the Dec. 25 issue.
Indonesian Mother Sews Halloween Costumes For 60,000 Children
PONTIANAK—Indonesian factory worker Weninng Panggi is keeping busy in the weeks leading up to Halloween by sewing costumes for thousands of children across America's Eastern Seaboard. "I try to put a little extra love in each seam I stitch, or epoxy, or hot-glue, or heat-seal," said Panggi, putting the finishing…
N. Korea Detonates 40 Years Of GDP
PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA—A press release issued by the state-run Korean Central News Agency Monday confirmed that the Oct. 9 underground nuclear test in North Korea's Yanggang province successfully exploded the communist nation's total gross domestic product for the past four decades.
Bloodless Thai Coup
Thailand went through a bloodless coup while the President was out in the United States to address the United Nations. What do you think?
I Have A Thing For Asia
Man, if I had to name one continent that really just does it for me, there's no question which one I'd pick: Asia. It just drives me wild. I know that a lot of my friends still don't get it, and I've gotten my share of glares from ex-girlfriends, but you know what? It's their loss. They're more than welcome to their…
