New Honda Commercial Openly Says Your Kids Will Die In A Car Crash If You Buy A Different Brand

TORRANCE, CA—Touting the vehicle as the best in its class for preventing the gruesome demise of offspring, a commercial for the 2018 Honda City that premiered Monday openly tells viewers that their kids will die in a car crash if they buy a different brand. “With Honda, you can rest easy knowing your son or daughter…

Car Passengers Launch Urgent, Mid-Street Investigation Into Whether Woman In Parking Spot Coming Or Going

PHILADELPHIA—Craning for a suitable vantage point from which to observe their subject’s movements, local car passengers launched an urgent, mid-street investigation Wednesday into whether a woman in the parking spot they wanted was coming or going. “Her lights are on, but do you see which direction her car is moving?”…

Nation’s Dads Announce Plans To Trade In The Dodge For Something With A Little More Zip

LOWELL, MA—Citing the impending ends of their leases and the fact that their youngest children were heading off to college, the nation’s dads announced on Thursday their plans to trade in the Dodge for something with a little more zip. “The Dodge was a good car, but I think this time around I’d like to get one with a…

Report: 15% Of Cars In Mall Parking Lots Occupied By Family Member Who Stormed Off After Fight

PHILADELPHIA—Confirming their findings were consistent across all observed locations and at all times of day, a report released Thursday by researchers at the University of Pennsylvania found that 15 percent of cars in mall parking lots are occupied by family members who stormed out to the vehicles following a heated…

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Buick Regal Named Best Vehicle In Class For Idling Outside Off-Track Betting Parlor

ANN ARBOR, MI—Edging out the Chevy Malibu for the third year in a row, the Buick Regal topped Car And Driver’s annual list of best midsize sedans for idling outside an off-track betting parlor, sources confirmed Tuesday. “When you just need to pop your head inside the OTB to see how your ponies are running, the Buick…