Parents Honor Beloved Dead Grandmother By Naming Baby ‘GamGam’
14-Hour Labor Not Exactly Cakewalk For Baby Sticking Halfway Out Mother’s Vagina Either
TULSA, OK—Describing the experience as “no fucking picnic,” an as-yet-unnamed newborn protruding halfway out of his mother’s vagina confirmed Thursday that the 14-hour labor experience had not exactly been a cakewalk for him, either. “Just so we’re clear, this sucks for me, too. I would love to get someone to wipe the…
Horrified Nurses Discover 40-Pound Baby After Accidentally Leaving It In Incubator Over Weekend
DENVER—Realizing with horror that they had forgotten to do a final sweep of the neonatal intensive care unit, nurses at Saint Joseph Hospital were reportedly mortified to discover a 40-pound baby Monday after accidentally leaving it in an incubator over the weekend. “Oh, God, it totally slipped my mind that we were…
Ethicists Worry Emergence Of Designer Babies Might Make Them Look Really Ugly In Comparison
CAMBRIDGE, MA—Cautioning the public about one of the major potential drawbacks of genetically modifying embryos, ethicists at Harvard Medical School were reportedly worried Friday that the emergence of designer babies could make them look really ugly in comparison. “While gene editing has shown promise as a means of…
Construction Union Seeks To Reduce Incidence Of Accidents Involving Babies Crawling On Steel I-Beams
WASHINGTON—Calling the problem an unfortunately common occurrence, the Laborers’ International Union of North America announced new regulations Thursday aimed at reducing the number of escaped babies crawling on steel I-beams hanging precariously in the air. “When jobsites around the country being are thrown into…
Newborn Has Father’s Asshole
GOODYEAR, AZ—Acknowledging that the resemblance was quite striking, local grandmother Dorothy Hanson told reporters Wednesday that her newborn grandchild Dylan definitely has his father Jack’s asshole. “Oh my goodness, you certainly are the spitting image of your daddy,” said Hanson while changing the baby’s diaper,…
Real Estate Insiders To Keep Close Eye On Newborn Sired By 3-Time Re/Max Sales Champion
ARLINGTON HEIGHTS, IL—Marvelling at the potential a child of such noble blood could possess, sources within a group of real estate insiders revealed Monday that they are keeping a close eye on the newborn sired by a three-time Re/Max sales champion. “His father is an unequalled virtuoso of bidding wars who once closed…
Experimental Anti-Aging Treatment Still Has Few Kinks, Report Infant Researchers
BOSTON—Calling it a minor setback for what otherwise appeared to be a promising new medical intervention, a team of infant researchers announced Wednesday that their experimental anti-aging treatment still has a few kinks. “Though broadly successful across several different metrics, there were a few unforeseen, but…
Beyonce Releases Teaser Foot Ahead Of Birth Of Twins
LOS ANGELES—In an effort to generate hype for the upcoming release, pop icon Beyonce unexpectedly debuted a teaser foot Thursday ahead of the highly anticipated birth of her twins, sources confirmed. “Beyonce wanted to provide a taste of what’s to come for all the fans out there,” said publicist Yvette Noel-Schure,…
Black Mark On Birth Control Manufacturer’s Record Weighs In At 7 Pounds, 6 Ounces
LONG BEACH, CA—At approximately 7:05 a.m. Monday, sources at St. Mary Medical Center confirmed that local woman Deliah Zahn gave birth to a healthy black mark on the record of Bayer—manufacturer of the birth control pill Yaz—weighing in at 7 pounds, 6 ounces. “I’m pleased to report the labor and delivery went…
Report: More Companies Offering Paid Maternity Leave To Mothers Who Complete 3 Months Of Work Ahead Of Time
BOSTON—According to a report released Friday by Harvard Business School, more U.S. companies are offering up to 12 weeks of paid maternity leave to mothers who complete three months of work ahead of time. “We strive to be accommodating to our employees as they start families, which is why we’re granting paid time off…
Zoo Hosts Contest To Name Baby Of Pregnant Gift Shop Worker
SACRAMENTO, CA—Saying that entries would be accepted from the public until the April 4 due date, officials from the Sacramento Zoo launched a contest this week to name the baby of the zoo’s pregnant gift shop cashier, Ashley Munson. “Everyone here at the Sacramento Zoo is excited for Ashley’s first child to arrive,…
Tips For Throwing The Perfect Baby Shower
Every mother-to-be deserves a celebration of her upcoming arrival, and the best baby shower is one that fuses elegance with good fun. Here are The Onion’s tips for throwing the perfect baby shower:
Nation’s Pregnant Women Announce Discovery Of Comfortable Sitting Position
WASHINGTON—Slowly shifting from side to side while strategically placing a pillow to provide lower back support, pregnant women across the nation announced Monday the long-awaited discovery of a comfortable sitting position. “Oh, right there—yeah, that’s perfect,” said Mequon, WI resident Dana Schmitz, echoing the…
Woman Already Off To Bad Start As Mother After Requesting Epidural
COLUMBIA, MD—In a purely self-interested move that is certain to set the tone for the next 18 years, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Rebecca McBride is already off to a bad start as a mother after requesting an epidural during the delivery of her first child. According to accounts, McBride took the easy…
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