Woman Longs For Day When First Female President Can Have Tell-All Book Written About Disgusting Vagina

SKOKIE, IL—Wistfully imagining a future she hopes is not too far away, area woman Margaret Bridgemeyer told reporters Tuesday she yearns for the day when the first female president of the United States will have a tell-all book written about her that contains explicit descriptions of her repulsive vagina. “I have to…

American Psychiatric Association Adds ‘Obsessive Categorization Of Mental Conditions’ To ‘DSM-5’

WASHINGTON—As part of their ongoing mission to keep their classifications updated with the most recent available findings, the American Psychiatric Association announced Thursday the supplemental addition of “Obsessive Categorization of Mental Conditions” to the fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual

New Edition Of Emily Post’s Etiquette Book To Include Chapter Demonstrating Proper Way To Lick Maple Syrup Off Plate

NEW YORK—Dismissing past versions as outdated and totally ill-suited for the modern pancake breakfast, HarperCollins announced Friday that the 19th edition of Emily Post’s Etiquette would be updated to include a chapter on how to properly lick maple syrup off of your plate. “Remember, after finishing an order of…

Comey Suddenly Realizes Entire Book Just A Subconscious Defense Mechanism To Hide His True Feelings

WASHINGTON—Former FBI Director James Comey was reportedly shocked Monday after suddenly realizing that he wrote his forthcoming memoir, A Higher Loyalty, as a defense mechanism to subconsciously mask his true, romantic feelings for President Donald Trump. “Oh, my God, it just dawned on me, I’m head over heels in love…

Nation Confused After James Comey Dedicates Entire Memoir To In-Depth Retelling Of Martha Stewart Insider Trading Controversy

WASHINGTON—Expressing their bewilderment that the former FBI director had chosen to focus on the incident in such detail, the U.S. populace was reportedly confused Friday after learning that James Comey had dedicated the entirety of his upcoming memoir, A Higher Calling, to an in-depth retelling of the Martha Stewart…

Woman Who Choked To Death Alone In Apartment Kicked Out Of Book Club For Missing Last 2 Meetings

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Deciding to expel longtime member Colleen Ashford for missing the last two meetings, participants in a local book club reportedly remained unaware Thursday that she had choked to death alone in her apartment several days prior. “I mean, one absence we can understand—we’ve all been there—but now it’s two…

Archivists Discover Unpublished Michael Crichton Manuscript About Amusement Park That Operates Without A Hitch

LOS ANGELES—Hailing the text as a fascinating addition to the author’s established oeuvre, researchers cataloging the personal archives of Michael Crichton announced Wednesday that they had uncovered an unpublished manuscript about an amusement park that operates without a hitch. “This is an incredible find,” said…

Adorable 23-Year-Old Yelling About Economic Injustice Must Have Just Read Howard Zinn For First Time

WHITTIER, CA—Saying his regurgitated arguments about elites exploiting working-class Americans were simply precious, sources confirmed Wednesday that an adorable 23-year-old on a tirade about economic oppression must have just read Howard Zinn’s A People’s History Of The United States for the first time. “Aw, listen…