New Edition Of Emily Post’s Etiquette Book To Include Chapter Demonstrating Proper Way To Lick Maple Syrup Off Plate

NEW YORK—Dismissing past versions as outdated and totally ill-suited for the modern pancake breakfast, HarperCollins announced Friday that the 19th edition of Emily Post’s Etiquette would be updated to include a chapter on how to properly lick maple syrup off of your plate. “Remember, after finishing an order of…

Comey Suddenly Realizes Entire Book Just A Subconscious Defense Mechanism To Hide His True Feelings

WASHINGTON—Former FBI Director James Comey was reportedly shocked Monday after suddenly realizing that he wrote his forthcoming memoir, A Higher Loyalty, as a defense mechanism to subconsciously mask his true, romantic feelings for President Donald Trump. “Oh, my God, it just dawned on me, I’m head over heels in love…

Nation Confused After James Comey Dedicates Entire Memoir To In-Depth Retelling Of Martha Stewart Insider Trading Controversy

WASHINGTON—Expressing their bewilderment that the former FBI director had chosen to focus on the incident in such detail, the U.S. populace was reportedly confused Friday after learning that James Comey had dedicated the entirety of his upcoming memoir, A Higher Calling, to an in-depth retelling of the Martha Stewart…

Woman Who Choked To Death Alone In Apartment Kicked Out Of Book Club For Missing Last 2 Meetings

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Deciding to expel longtime member Colleen Ashford for missing the last two meetings, participants in a local book club reportedly remained unaware Thursday that she had choked to death alone in her apartment several days prior. “I mean, one absence we can understand—we’ve all been there—but now it’s two…

Archivists Discover Unpublished Michael Crichton Manuscript About Amusement Park That Operates Without A Hitch

LOS ANGELES—Hailing the text as a fascinating addition to the author’s established oeuvre, researchers cataloging the personal archives of Michael Crichton announced Wednesday that they had uncovered an unpublished manuscript about an amusement park that operates without a hitch. “This is an incredible find,” said…

Adorable 23-Year-Old Yelling About Economic Injustice Must Have Just Read Howard Zinn For First Time

WHITTIER, CA—Saying his regurgitated arguments about elites exploiting working-class Americans were simply precious, sources confirmed Wednesday that an adorable 23-year-old on a tirade about economic oppression must have just read Howard Zinn’s A People’s History Of The United States for the first time. “Aw, listen…

Author Of ‘Introduction To Algebra’ Recalls Textbook Being Rejected By 12 Publishers Before Getting Accepted

NEW YORK—Recalling how his best-selling mathematics primer had struggled to garner any attention from top textbook agents, author Bruce Gallagher confirmed Friday that his runaway blockbuster textbook, Introduction To Algebra, had been rejected by a dozen publishers before finally being picked up. “All the big houses…

Man Prefers Comic Books That Don’t Insert Politics Into Stories About Government-Engineered Agents Of War

APOPKA, FL—Local man Jeremy Land reportedly voiced his preference Thursday for comic books that don’t insert politics into stories about people forced to undergo body- and mind-altering experiments that transform them into government agents of war. “I’m tired of simply trying to enjoy escapist stories in which people…