BOSTON—After hurriedly gathering papers from his desk and giving a quick nod to his professor, Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokhar Tsarnaev rushed out of his summer engineering class at the University of Massachusetts Dartmouth this morning to make his arraignment in U.S. District Court, sources reported. “Shit,…

BOSTON—Law enforcement officials confirmed today that before the police captured Boston bombing suspect Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, the 19-year-old left a really nice thank-you note for the owner of the boat in which he had been hiding out that day. “To whom this may concern: Thank you very much for letting me use your boat.…

DARTMOUTH, MA—After federal authorities arrested two students from the University of Massachusetts Dartmouth on Tuesday in connection with the Boston Marathon bombings, officials at the university told reporters they are starting to seriously regret offering a semester-long course in Applied Domestic Terrorism. “ADT…

SANA’A, YEMEN—Weeks after bombing suspects Tamerlan and Dzhokar Tsarnaev’s alleged attack on the Boston Marathon that left three dead, local Yemeni woman and fervent jihadist Adila Nasser told reporters Monday that she wished her sons could be as dedicated to killing American infidels as those passionate Tsarnaev…

BOSTON—After living in residence halls during his first three semesters at the University of Massachusetts Dartmouth, sophomore student Dzhokar Tsarnaev was finally able to get a place of his own and move off campus this week, the 19-year-old told reporters. “Last semester I shared a double room with a guy at Pine…

BOSTON—Days after being apprehended for his alleged role in last week’s Boston Marathon attack, suspected bomber Dzhokar Tsarnaev reportedly posted bail earlier today, prompting authorities to release him from custody. “At approximately 8:00 a.m. this morning, the suspect’s attorney posted his $2,000 bond, making Mr.…

BOSTON—In a CNN segment titled “The Healing Power of Sports,” a visibly angered Wolf Blitzer reportedly decked a Boston man Sunday who claimed that, while Red Sox baseball was certainly a welcome distraction from the events of last week’s bombing, it hasn’t relieved him of his tremendous sadness and grief. “What do…

BOSTON—After fellow students at the University of Massachusetts Dartmouth expressed surprise at Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokar Tsarnaev’s alleged role in last week’s fatal attack, a shocked Tsarnaev told reporters today that his classmates had always seemed like they were excellent judges of character. “When…

Next week's school shooting victims thank the members of Senate for failing to pass the gun bill, the cutest guy in an office is not particularly attractive, and an area man is tired of rushing home to hug his loved ones.

WASHINGTON—Following FBI reports this morning that the suspects implicated in Monday’s Boston Marathon bombing are of Chechen descent, efforts to thoughtlessly stereotype the alleged terrorists were impeded by the majority of Americans’ lack of basic knowledge about Chechnya or the Chechen people, a new study has…

WATERTOWN, MA—In an important development since our last update, sources can now positively confirm that we are doing a bad job covering the ongoing manhunt for Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokar A. Tsarnaev. After soliciting information from the public regarding the quality of our reporting and taking an honest…

WATERTOWN, MA—Following earlier updates on the manhunt for Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokar A. Tsarnaev, sources were just wondering if, maybe, you think—by repeatedly interrupting with breaking news that has zero substance—we’re doing a good job right now. Multiple reports have confirmed that sources really…

WATERTOWN, MA—Citing the fact that we have done five breaking news updates in the last 30 minutes and have added no new information to the story, numerous sources are now confirming that we might be doing a bad job covering the manhunt for Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokar A. Tsarnaev. Eyewitnesses are telling…

WATERTOWN, MA—Sources are currently reporting no actual relevant breaking news of any kind coming out of the Watertown area, so, yeah, anyway, how’s everyone doing? You guys doing good? Reporters from The Onion can verify that they’re doing pretty good, just waiting for some more breaking news to come in. You know how…

WATERTOWN, MA—According to the latest news breaking from the scene of the ongoing Boston bomber manhunt, sources asked if anyone can ever truly know anything and, when one actually stops and thinks about it, what is the truth, really? While authorities have continued updating the public on the progress of the manhunt…

WATERTOWN, MA—Citing exhaustive use of the word “breaking” to preface media coverage of today’s ongoing manhunt for one of the alleged Boston Marathon bombers, The Onion is now questioning whether the word “breaking” has lost all its meaning. According to sources, the word ‘breaking’ has been used over 4,000 times…

WATERTOWN, MA—Sources can now confirm that there is still nothing new to report on the search for Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokar A. Tsarnaev. Those with knowledge of the situation are currently telling reporters that nothing has changed and there are no new developments. Reports have confirmed, however, that…