Trump Vows To Bring Back Ohio Town’s White Castle
PERRYSBURG, OH—Promising to restore economic vitality and dignity to the struggling Rust Belt municipality, President…
KC Masterpiece CEO Warns Against Society’s Increasing Reliance On A1
OAKLAND, CA—Claiming that unconstrained advances in meat-sauce application was as far beyond human calculation as its…
Spanx Introduces New Line Of Smoke Bombs For Concealing Unwanted Bumps And Bulges
ATLANTA—Calling it “a perfect feminine explosive” for any silhouette, Spanx officials announced Friday that the company…
Sweating CornNuts VP Stammers Way Through Pitch For ‘Nutsarito’ At Taco Bell
IRVINE, CA—Realizing his entire presentation deck consisted of little more than the proposed tagline “Twice The Crunch…
Dole Reveals One Cantaloupe Out There Contains $10 Million Check
WESTLAKE VILLAGE, CA—Promising one lucky melon fan the chance to change their life forever, Dole revealed Wednesday…
Maybelline Announces It Will Stop Testing New Products On Unsuspecting Customers In The Middle Of The Night
NEW YORK—Emphasizing that the “secret program” would be forever suspended, Maybelline global president Leonardo Chavez…
‘Fly, My Pretties,’ Says Jeff Bezos Releasing Swarm Of Amazon Drones To Hunt Down Nude Photos
MEDINA, WA—Standing on the roof of his towering estate as the tiny machines buzzed all around him, Amazon CEO Jeff…
First Automated Foxconn Machine Immediately Tries To Commit Suicide
ZHENGZHOU, CHINA—According to sources within the facility responsible for manufacturing the majority of iPhones,…
T-Mobile Announces Wireless Service Now Covers 70% Of Your Apartment
BELLEVUE, WA—As a result of a coverage extension the wireless provider was calling a “game-changer” for their…
Ames Executives Scrambling After New Shovel Design Leaks
CAMP HILL, PA—Noting that the revamped tool was not scheduled to be unveiled for another six months, Ames executives…
This The Fuck Harness Sex Shop Worker Has At Home
PHILADELPHIA—Calling Euphornica the only model he trusts with his raw-dogging needs, Pleasure Cove employee Jason…
Tinder Announces App Will No Longer Match Users Solely With Distant Relatives
LOS ANGELES—Touting the newest update as a “game changer” for those looking to find love beyond their third cousins…
Kotex Introduces New Confetti Popper Tampons For Ringing In The New Year
IRVING, TX—Calling the feminine hygiene product the perfect way to usher in 2019 with comfort and style, Kotex…
Bose Releases New Headphones Specifically Optimized For Listening To Whitney Houston’s ‘How Will I Know?’
FRAMINGHAM, MA—Calling the product the must-have item for true music connoisseurs, Bose officials announced Friday the…
KFC Blames Popeyes For Releasing Serial Rapist From Prison In New Attack Ad Campaign
LOUISVILLE, KY—Referring to the fast food restaurant chain as a revolving door for perverts and sexual deviants,…