Eco-Conscious Hotel Lets Guests Decide Whether They Want Room’s Towels Washed Before Next Guests Arrive

HEALDSBURG, CA—In a continuing effort to minimize the environmental impact of each patron’s stay, eco-conscious hospitality chain h2hotel announced plans Monday to allow those staying in their accommodations to decide whether they want towels, bath mats, and washcloths laundered for the next guests. “Tourism often…

Newly Uncovered Journals Reveal Alexander Graham Bell Invented Telephone As First Step In Consolidating All American Businesses Into Single Monopoly

BADDECK, NOVA SCOTIA—Researchers reportedly uncovered new journals Wednesday that revealed Alexander Graham Bell originally invented the telephone as the first step in consolidating all American businesses into a single monopoly. “Apparently overlooked until now, Bell’s papers indicate that from his earliest…

David’s Bridal Introduces New Line Of Whore-Red Dresses For Wicked, Impure Divorcées’ Shameful Second Weddings

CONSHOHOCKEN, PA—In an effort to meet the specific needs of even its most reprehensible customers, David’s Bridal introduced a new line of whore-red dresses Thursday for wicked, impure divorcées with the audacity to have a shameful second wedding. “These new gowns are the perfect slut-shade of crimson to make any…

‘Coffee Cultivation Merely Extends The System Of Colonial Oppression,’ Recite Nation’s 180,000 Radicalized Starbucks Employees After 3-Hour Anti-Bias Training

SEATTLE—Irrevocably changed after attending a mandatory training session on racial bias, the nation’s Starbucks employees reportedly returned to work Wednesday radicalized and united behind a new credo stating that “coffee cultivation merely extends the system of colonial oppression.” “Welcome to Starbucks, you…

Jeff Bezos Announces Customers Can Delete All Of Alexa’s Stored Audio By Rappelling Into Amazon HQ, Navigating Laser Field, Uploading Nanovirus To Servers

SEATTLE—Responding to news of the digital assistant recording users’ conversations without their knowledge, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos assured critics Tuesday that Alexa’s stored audio can be deleted by simply rappelling into company headquarters, maneuvering through an intricate laser field, and destroying every server…

L’Oreal Suspends Production Of Irresistible 2-Step Lip Color Stick After Lab Rat Seduces Way Out Of Facility

NEW YORK—Warning that the sultry, long-lasting product had been instrumental in the company’s biggest security breach to date, L’Oreal has halted testing of their Irresistible 2-Step Lip Color Stick Friday after a lab rat wearing the compelling cosmetic seduced its way out of their facility. “At approximately 8 p.m.…