MINNEAPOLIS—In an effort to enhance the grooming experience at the company’s more than 2,400 locations, Supercuts announced Friday that they are now offering customer baths starting at $14.99. “Just because we provide great bathing value doesn’t mean we have to skip out on any of the tubside amenities our clients…
NEW YORK—Marketing the emergency auto-injector as the perfect product for romantic evenings when you and a partner go into anaphylactic shock simultaneously, Pfizer unveiled a new line of double-sided EpiPen devices Wednesday designed exclusively for lovers. “We recognized a real shortage of intimate, life-saving…
NEW YORK—Championing the decision as a necessary step to make the “Big Apple” more tech-friendly, New York City mayor Bill de Blasio announced Tuesday that the subway is just for Amazon employees now. “All 8.6 million New York City residents not employed by Amazon or an Amazon subsidiary are prohibited from using MTA…
CHICAGO—In a matter-of-fact press release addressed to “consumers who might be interested in this sort of thing,” ConAgra Foods informally announced Friday that their Reddi-Wip nozzles can easily fit into most orifices on the human body. “Since our founding in 1948, we’ve been committed to providing Americans with…
CANTON, MA—Touting the beverage as the perfect drink for those frigid, gray November mornings, Dunkin’ Donuts unveiled a new seasonal Rotting Jack-O’-Lantern Latte Thursday to celebrate the end of fall. “Containing our signature coffee mixed with an artisan blend of freshly ground dead leaves and decomposing pumpkin…
CAMDEN, NJ—In a move that has left grocery store shelves empty across North America, an increasingly paranoid Campbell’s Soup Company has begun stockpiling the entire production of its eponymous canned soup in preparation for the total catastrophic collapse of civilization. “The end is nigh, and the only way to…
BURRILLVILLE, RI—Touting it as an incredible opportunity to get in on the ground floor of a lucrative business endeavor, child venture capitalist Aidan Frost reportedly invested $2.50 Thursday in his friend’s new slug-eating enterprise. “I’m pleased to announce that I’ve agreed to make a more than two-dollar…
LOUISVILLE, KY—Baffling fast food consumers nationwide by implicating the diners themselves in some unknown but vaguely fishery-related practice, seafood chain Long John Silver’s launched a new nationwide ad campaign Tuesday featuring the cryptic tagline “You Are The Bait Now.” “I’ve seen a commercial that was nothing…
NEW YORK—Declaring that the search was over for those looking to attain a more youthful, unnatural appearance, Revlon unveiled Tuesday a new cutting-edge line of age-defying monster makeup. “The anti-aging Franken-makeup line provides full coverage so your face can be smooth, spotless, and incredibly terrifying,” said…
WICHITA, KS—Touting their new product as a necessary innovation in short-stay accommodations, camping and portable sleeping gear manufacturer Coleman unveiled the SinkRest this Monday, an air mattress featuring built-in gradual leaks for house guests who refuse to take a hint. “We’ve specifically designed this…
BUFFALO GROVE, IL—Emphasizing that communication was a “two-way street,” local man Thomas Ross expressed concern Monday that he was being heard, but not listened to by a representative taking his call on the Oscar Mayer customer service hotline. “I just keep talking and talking, and it’s like you’re not even listening…
SAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to simultaneously improve and diminish public perception of the ride-sharing company, Uber announced the hiring of a top marketing and consulting firm Tuesday to help decrease awareness of their brand. “We’re poised on the cusp of a major IPO, so the last thing we need is our remarkably…
BOSTON—Hailing the new product as the future of non-hormonal birth control, Mirena announced Friday that it had released the world’s first 10-blade intrauterine sperm shredder. “Mirena’s 30-mm stainless steel sperm shredder is designed to chop gametes into a microscopic spray the second they enter the female uterus,”…
NEW YORK—Providing insight into the process by which the company creates its wildly successful line of health-oriented snacks, KIND Bar CEO Daniel Lubetzky admitted Friday that company personnel “just sort of find the bars like that.” “Our factory isn’t so much a traditional production facility as it is a…
SEATTLE—After a search for a new location lasting more than a year, a massive dome was seen descending from the sky and enclosing the whole nation Friday as Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos announced to a horrified American populace that it was now living inside his company’s second headquarters.
SOUTH DEERFIELD, MA—Offering sincere apologies to customers for the misunderstanding, Yankee Candle clarified Thursday that their product has only ever been intended to be dripped on testicles. “I guess we could have put some sort of instructions on the label, but we assumed everyone already knew they were for melting…
HOFFMAN ESTATES, IL—As the department store chain prepared to file for bankruptcy and close its retail locations, Sears CEO Eddie Lampert reportedly announced “The convergence is at hand” Thursday as all Sears employees, clad in white gowns, reported to company headquarters. “Brothers and sisters of Sears, I beseech…
CINCINNATI, OH—Calling the device the perfect addition to any bathroom with loud acoustics or thin walls, Febreze officials announced Wednesday that the company had released a new air horn for covering up unpleasant bathroom sounds. “Pesky, embarrassing bodily functions are simply no match for Febreze’s new…
IRVING, TX—In the wake of a report by the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change that projected the planet had only a decade to prevent catastrophic global warming, ExxonMobil CEO Darren Woods was reportedly feeling depressed Wednesday after realizing the Earth could end before they finished extracting all the oil.…
SEATTLE—Hours after the online retailer’s announcement that it would increase the minimum hourly pay rate to $15 for all its U.S. employees, Amazon confirmed Tuesday that paper towels sold on its website had surged to $2,000 per roll due to the crippling cost of paying workers a living wage. “Unfortunately, Amazon’s…
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