Philip Morris Releases New Single-Puff Marlboro Minis
Desperate Starbucks Now Pleading For People To Masturbate, Use Drugs In Its Restrooms
SEATTLE, WA—In an effort to restore the company’s battered image in the wake of recent controversies, desperate Starbucks officials openly begged Monday for people to masturbate and use drugs in the coffee shop chain’s restrooms. “Please, just come in and do whatever the hell you want in the bathroom—feel free to…
Supercuts CEO Apologizes For Number Of Customers Scalped Every Month
MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Emphasizing that a proper haircut should never lacerate a patron’s head, the CEO of Supercuts expressed remorse Friday while issuing a formal apology for the number of customers they scalp every month. “I want to personally acknowledge that even a single scalping is one too many for a Supercuts Hair…
Cash-Strapped MoviePass Limiting New Users To One Movie Filmed In CEO’s Backyard Per Month
NEW YORK—In an effort to cut operating costs while still offering consumers the option to make cinema more accessible, cash-strapped ticketing service MoviePass announced Wednesday they would limit new subscribers to a single movie filmed in their CEO’s backyard per month. “We are proud to announce our new pricing…
Bath & Body Works Now Offering Free Lotion Tastings
REYNOLDSBURG, OH—Inviting customers to come in and sample their mouthwatering selection of hydrating shea butters, Bath & Body Works announced Wednesday it would now offer free body lotion tastings at each of its over 1,600 retail locations. “Before investing in an entire bottle of one of our moisturizing products, we…
AT&T CEO Regrets Hiring Cohen Instead Of Just Dropping A Ton Of Cash At Trump International Hotel Like Everyone Else
DALLAS—Acknowledging the company had made a serious error in its efforts to curry favor with the president, AT&T CEO Randall Stephenson reportedly admitted Friday that he regretted hiring Trump’s personal attorney, Michael Cohen, to help its merger with Time Warner go through instead of just dropping a ton of cash off…
New Monster Energy Defibrillator Touts 1,200 Volts Delivered Straight To Heart
CORONA, CA—Boasting that their edgy new product was intended “solely for hardcore adrenaline junkies who want to grab life by the balls,” Monster Energy unveiled Friday their new defibrillator, a black-and-acid-green portable recreational unit they claim is capable of delivering 1,200 volts straight to the heart.…
Ford Confirms Plant Fire Caused By Spooked F-150 Knocking Over Lantern
DEARBORN, MI—Having isolated the origin of the blaze that caused the company to halt production of the popular vehicle, representatives at Ford confirmed Thursday that the fire at the truck parts supplier’s plant was caused by a spooked F-150 knocking over a lantern. “After surveying the damage at the factory, we’ve…
Fitbit Releases New Tracking Collar That Gets Tighter Every Second You Are Inactive
SAN FRANCISCO—Touting the device’s state-of-the-art ability to incentivize exercise through intimidation, Fitbit released a new tracking collar Tuesday that tightens every second the person wearing it is inactive. “Whether you’re a fitness guru or a first-time runner, this sleek new wearable tech will jumpstart any…
Boardroom Begins To Quake As Black-Eyed CEO Announces Vision For Future Of Company
LOS ANGELES—According to terrified witnesses, the whole boardroom of Capstone Marketing Insights began to quake violently Friday as CEO Matt Petersen’s eyes turned an inky black and his voice dropped an octave while announcing a new, video-centered vision for the company. Calling it a “necessary pivot” and “an…
Amazon Fires Warehouse Worker Who Took Unauthorized Breath
CARTERET, NJ—Saying the longtime warehouse associate blatantly disregarded company protocol regarding permitted inhalation, Amazon spokespeople confirmed the firing of one Thomas Gilman for taking an unauthorized breath during an overnight shift Friday. “We run a tight ship at this [Amazon] fulfillment center, and we…
Kroger Recalls 35,000 Pounds Of Ground Beef That May Contain CEO
CINCINNATI—Admitting they were unable to confirm their product had not been contaminated, supermarket chain Kroger recalled 35,000 pounds of ground beef Thursday that may contain traces of its chief executive officer. “As some consumers have noticed particles of our chief executive officer Rodney McMullen in the meat,…
Men’s Wearhouse Introduces Clip-On Trousers For Guys Who Never Learned How To Put On Pants
HOUSTON—Touting the garment as a stylish alternative for the gentleman on the go, Men’s Wearhouse announced Thursday it would be adding a new line of clip-on trousers for guys who never learned to put on pants. “These attractive, high-quality trousers clip easily to your shirt for a convenient, no-fuss pants-wearing…
