Amazon has relied on its convenience and low prices to become the biggest online retailer on the planet, but the company has recently come under increased scrutiny for a variety of issues regarding its effect on competition and the ways it treats its workers. The Onion presents the pros and cons of Amazon.

MENLO PARK, CA—In what industry observers are calling an unprecedented liquidation of soft assets, a cash-strapped Mark Zuckerberg announced Monday that, following a precipitous drop in the value of the social media site’s stock, he had no choice but to to sell off 11 million Facebook users. “It’s a shame it had to…

CUPERTINO, CA—Expressing fear that the Silicon Valley giant may be running out of ideas, the nation’s Apple fans expressed disappointment Wednesday after the company once again unveiled the exact same overpriced CEO that barely fucking works. “I’ve come to expect a certain degree of innovation from Apple, but now they…

CUPERTINO, CA—Saying the new policy was part of the company’s unwavering commitment to consumer relations, Apple announced Wednesday an unprecedented offer that will allow its customers to trade in their old iPhones and, in return, receive absolutely nothing. “If you’re a member of the Apple community with an older…

PORTLAND, OR—In response to their competitor Nike’s new marketing campaign featuring former NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick, Adidas reportedly unveiled former police officer Darren Wilson Tuesday as the new face of the brand. “Darren Wilson represents the values that Adidas stands for—the values of true-blue,…

RACINE, WI—Begging consumers to immediately cease endangering the safety of our ecosystem, consumer chemical manufacturer S.C. Johnson & Son recalled every single product from their Raid brand of insecticides Tuesday after realizing the food chain would simply collapse without bugs. “We’re urging customers to…

LOS ANGELES—Revealing his vulnerable side in a starkly honest interview, an emotional Elon Musk recalled this week how he spent his entire birthday alone working on concepts for new ways to mistreat employees at the Tesla factory. “When you’re the CEO, the responsibility of developing innovative new ways of…

NEW YORK—Admitting that this week’s devastating quarterly earnings report necessitated tough decisions on the part of the company, MoviePass CEO Mitch Lowe announced plans Thursday to increase profitability by no longer mailing out $500 checks to subscribers every month. “While this decision is sure to be unpopular…

MARSHFIELD, MO—In what the community believes to be something like the fifth such incident since the location’s grand opening in 2011, south side Marshfield sources reported Thursday that someone has robbed that one KFC yet again. “Yeah, that place is always getting robbed. I wouldn’t go in there if I were you—place…

OXFORD, MS—Saying that they were quickly running out of options, the management at struggling used bookstore Selected Works claim they have taken every measure to ensure customer involvement and increase sales except for taking the drastic step of organizing their books into sections based on subject or genre and…