Hope Hicks Praying She Not Still In Same Shitty Job By Time She Hits 30

WASHINGTON—Saying she only had two years left to find a “real career,” White House Communications Director Hope Hicks was reportedly praying Friday that she wouldn’t be in the same shitty job by the time she hit 30. “Overseeing President Trump’s public relations strategy is fine for now as a placeholder, but if I’m…

Troubling Report Finds Millions Of Americans Forced To Make Ends Meet By Getting Up And Going To Work Every Day

WASHINGTON—In a sobering new report that lays bare a hard truth about today’s economy, the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics revealed Monday that many Americans have no choice but to make ends meet by getting up and going to work every day. “There are more than 100 million adults in this nation who, to provide for…

People Think Being A Veterinarian Is Just Playing With Cute Animals All Day, But I Also Get To Kill Them

Whenever I tell people I’m a veterinarian, I see their eyes light up, and I know exactly what’s coming next: “Oh my gosh! It must be so amazing to get to play with cute puppies and kitties all day! You’re so lucky!” But being a vet isn’t just showing up in the morning and then frolicking with adorable animals from…

Boss Thinks Female Employee Might Be Ready To Handle Job She’s Been Doing For Past 2 Years

NEW YORK—Believing she may be ready for a higher-level position within the company, a manager at Vidmark Interactive said Thursday that the time had quite possibly come to promote employee Megan Sharpe to the job she has already been doing for about two years now. “Megan’s been great, and I can really see her taking…

Job Placement Service Helps Students Who Fail Out Of Dad’s Alma Mater Find Work At Dad’s Company

BOSTON—Touting its 100 percent success rate, administrators at job placement service Scion Employment Solutions explained to reporters Tuesday that they help students who fail out of their dad’s alma mater find work at their dad’s company. “We have an impeccable track record of assisting students who flunk out of the…

New Report Finds U.S. Employees Most Engaged At Workplace While Working As Frontman Of Styx

CHICAGO—Saying it was by far the strongest predictor of high workplace morale, a new report released Thursday by researchers at the University of Chicago found that employees in the United States are most engaged at their jobs while working as the frontman of rock band Styx. “Whether they’re belting out power ballads…