12/9/194:02 PMNews in Brief12/9/19News in Brief12/9/19Apologetic Justin Timberlake Presents Jessica Biel With Severed Hand Of Alisha Wainwright To Prove Loyalty
12/6/191:53 PMNews in Brief12/6/19News in Brief12/6/19Cabal Of Handsome Male Celebrities Agrees To Continue Withholding Baldness Cure From Public And Jude Law
11/22/191:27 PMOnion Magazine11/22/19Onion Magazine11/22/19Bruno Mars: In His Own Words, On Our Front Porch, Refusing To Leave
11/7/193:57 PMNews in Brief11/7/19News in Brief11/7/19‘No, God, No!’ Screams Agonized James Dean Disappearing From Heaven As Filmmakers Finish Constructing CGI
11/4/193:48 PMNews in Brief11/4/19News in Brief11/4/19‘America Needs To Dream Bigger,’ Declares Aaron Sorkin To Burberry Employee Who Informed Him Coat He Wanted Out Of Stock
10/28/197:00 AMNews in Brief10/28/19News in Brief10/28/19Matt Damon Begrudgingly Accepts $50 In eBay Auction For ‘The Martian’ Cast And Crew Jacket
10/24/195:12 PMNews in Brief10/24/19News in Brief10/24/19Concerned Charlize Theron Fans Raise Millions For What Must Be Serious Medical Bills After Seeing Actress In Budweiser Ad
10/7/1911:00 AMNews In Photos10/7/19News In Photos10/7/19Report: On Second Glance Guy On Bus Not Actually Stanley Tucci
10/4/193:53 PMNews in Brief10/4/19News in Brief10/4/19Nation Ashamed To Admit They Would Probably Look Up John Goodman’s Nudes If They Leaked
9/27/192:24 PMNews in Brief9/27/19News in Brief9/27/19Aging Tom Cruise No Longer Able To Climb Outer Wall Of Skyscraper Without Taking Break Halfway Through
9/25/1912:21 PMNews in Brief9/25/19News in Brief9/25/19Botox Criticized For New Ad Campaign Targeting Millie Bobby Brown
9/18/1911:00 AMNews In Photos9/18/19News In Photos9/18/19Patrick Stewart Spends Morning Shaving Beautiful Golden Locks That Grow On Head Every Night
9/17/192:41 PMCommentary9/17/19Commentary9/17/19I Was In A Movie Called ‘Waterworld’ And Global Warming Is Causing Rising Sea Levels, So Is There Anything To That? Is That Worth Writing An Op-Ed About? No? I Dunno, Anyways…
9/13/1910:00 AMOnion Magazine9/13/19Onion Magazine9/13/19Bob Dylan On How He Likes His Corn And Why He Likes His Corn
9/12/191:52 PMNews in Brief9/12/19News in Brief9/12/19Matthew McConaughey Forced To Apply For Food Stamps After First Month As Adjunct Professor
9/5/193:16 PMNews in Brief9/5/19News in Brief9/5/19Joe Pesci So Sick Of Fans Asking To Blowtorch Scalp For Photo Op
9/5/1912:56 PMNews9/5/19News9/5/19Kim Kardashian Tries To Escape L.A. In Rowboat After Realizing Past 12 Years Of Life Have Been TV Show
8/15/1910:50 AMNews in Brief8/15/19News in Brief8/15/19Pete Best Reveals He Also Fired From The Who, Queen, Pink Floyd, And The Kinks Before They Took Off