Heavenly Sources Confirm Joe Jackson Already Screaming At Michael
‘Jurassic World 2’ To Feature More Scientifically Accurate Jeff Goldblum
LOS ANGELES—Touting the upcoming film as a significant visual leap forward from the previous ones in the series, producers of Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom told reporters Wednesday that their production includes a more scientifically accurate Jeff Goldblum. “Thanks to advances in cinematic technology and digital…
Publicist Worried Kanye West’s Support Of Trump Will Damage His Carefully Crafted Public Image As A Manic Self-Absorbed Lunatic
LOS ANGELES—Expressing concern over the fallout from several controversial tweets praising the president, Kanye West’s publicist was reportedly worried Thursday that the rapper’s support of Donald Trump would damage his carefully crafted public image as a manic, self-absorbed lunatic. “Christ, we’ve worked so hard to…
Kobe Bryant Hits Editing Bay To Train In Defense Of This Year’s Oscar Win
LOS ANGELES—Dedicating himself to improving his skills every day in search of a repeat victory in the Best Animated Short category, Kobe Bryant reportedly hit the video editing bay Tuesday to work on defending his Academy Award win for Dear Basketball. “I’m trying to stay on top of my game, so I start every day at 6…
Leonardo DiCaprio Nervous About Telling New Girlfriend He A Virgin
LOS ANGELES—Fearing that such a revelation might derail an otherwise promising relationship, actor Leonardo DiCaprio reported feeling nervous Tuesday about the inevitable moment when he would have to tell his new girlfriend that he is still a virgin. “I hope she doesn’t look at me differently when she finds out I’ve…
Hungover Guillermo Del Toro Panics After Realizing He Promised To Write New Movie For Everyone At Oscars After-Party
LOS ANGELES—Growing increasingly nauseous while reading dozens of text messages and email follow-ups, a hungover Guillermo Del Toro reportedly panicked Monday after realizing he promised to write new movies for everyone he spoke to at the Oscars after-party. “Oh god, my fucking head—I can’t believe I agreed to make…
Academy Honors Retiring Daniel Day-Lewis With Small Farewell Happy Hour In Dolby Theatre Kitchen
LOS ANGELES—Honoring the esteemed actor’s many decades in the film industry with drinks and light appetizers, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences reportedly held a small farewell gathering in the Dolby Theatre kitchen Friday to celebrate the retirement of Daniel Day-Lewis. “I started working with Daniel…
Brad Pitt Stumbles Across Old Cardboard Box With Gwyneth Paltrow’s Head In Attic
LOS ANGELES—Making the discovery while searching his attic for a pair of rarely worn snow pants, actor Brad Pitt on Friday reportedly stumbled across an old cardboard box containing the severed head of Gwyneth Paltrow. “Oh man, I totally forgot about this up here! Right after we broke up I never wanted to see it…
Leah Remini Rediscovers Her Faith In Scientology After Going Through Difficult Point In Life
NEW YORK—Saying she had never felt more complete and was “so grateful to be home,” Kevin Can Wait actress Leah Remini told reporters Thursday that she has rediscovered her faith in Scientology after going through a difficult point in her life. “I was really lost for the last few years, and it wasn’t until recently…
