Jan 6News in Brief1/6/21News in Brief1/6/21Nation Tells Drake They’ll Get Around To Looking At His New Haircut When Things Less HecticWASHINGTON—Reassuring the rap artist that they would attend to his news in due course, the nation told Canadian…
Nov 1911/19/20Omarion Figures He No Longer Famous Enough To Have To Leave Huge TipLOS ANGELES—After thanking his restaurant server as she dropped off the check, actor and recording artist Omarion…
Nov 3News In Photos11/3/20News In Photos11/3/20Confused Man Obsessively Refreshing Ted Danson’s IMDB Page
Oct 30News In Photos10/30/20News In Photos10/30/20Woman Who Kind Of Looks Like Anna Kendrick Not Sure What To Do With This Power
Sep 15News In Photos9/15/20News In Photos9/15/20Wiz Khalifa Figures He Too Far Into Career To Start Rhyming Now
Sep 10News in Brief9/10/20News in Brief9/10/20‘I Decide When The Show Ends,’ Says Dead-Eyed Kris Jenner Driving Minivan Filled With Family Into Santa Monica BaySANTA MONICA, CA—Smiling serenely while pressing the gas pedal all the way to the floor, a dead-eyed Kris Jenner…
Aug 31News in Brief8/31/20News in Brief8/31/20Nation Feels Like It Hasn’t Seen Justin Timberlake In YearsLOS ANGELES—Responding to Justin Timberlake’s prolonged absence from the public stage, Americans across the nation…
Aug 28News in Brief8/28/20News in Brief8/28/20Real Estate Experts Confirm Having George Clooney Living In Attic Greatly Increases Property ValueLOS ANGELES—Saying there was no better investment than sheltering the A-list celebrity in a tight crawl space, a…
Aug 21News in Brief8/21/20News in Brief8/21/20Ian McKellen Waiting In Line At Buckingham Palace Administrative Office To Get Knighthood Renewed Before It ExpiresLONDON—Holding a manila folder full of the requisite paperwork, Sir Ian McKellen was reportedly waiting in line at a…
Aug 6Onion Magazine8/6/20Onion Magazine8/6/20Hubba Hubba! These X-Rays Could Possibly Be Of Channing Tatum
Jul 30News in Brief7/30/20News in Brief7/30/20Ellen: ‘I Never Intended To Make Staff Feel Unsafe By Wearing A Bloodied Ram Skull And Stalking Them With A Hatchet’BURBANK, CA—Responding to allegations of mistreating employees on the set of her talk show, television host Ellen…
Jul 30Onion Magazine7/30/20Onion Magazine7/30/20Bryan Cranston’s Teen Harem Headlines Our All-Libel Issue
Jul 23News in Brief7/23/20News in Brief7/23/20Desperate CDC Now Just Claiming Wearing A Mask Will Make You Rich And Famous Beyond Wildest DreamsATLANTA—Desperate to convince the American public to take steps that will stem the spread of Covid-19, the Centers…
Jul 14News in Brief7/14/20News in Brief7/14/20Will Smith Reveals Extramarital Relationship With Younger ‘Gemini Man’ Co-StarCALABASAS, CA—In an effort to finally set the record straight, actor Will Smith revealed Tuesday that during the…
Jul 2News in Brief7/2/20News in Brief7/2/20Study Finds It Would Be Extremely Satisfying To Have Intercourse With An A-List CelebrityBOULDER, CO—Providing groundbreaking new insight into human sexuality, a study published Thursday by researchers at…
Jun 24The Topical6/24/20The Topical6/24/20IBM Condemns Use Of Facial Recognition Software For Anything Other Than Matching People With Their Celebrity DoppelgangerPlus, life in New York City is returning to normal, but not without some precautions for commuters. We’ve got the…
Jun 2Slideshow6/2/20Slideshow6/2/209 Things Introverts Do All The TimeIntroverts don’t need to go out to have fun. They’re perfectly fine spending Friday night at home alone watching…
May 19Slideshow5/19/20Slideshow5/19/2010 Songs You Didn’t Know Were Written About Celebrities“You Oughta Know” – Alanis Morissette (1995): While speculation has persisted for years regarding just whom…