Rahm Emanuel Concerned Gun Violence Could Spread To Parts Of City He Gives Shit About

CHICAGO— Speaking with members of his staff in private Monday after receiving the most recent municipal crime statistics, Chicago mayor Rahm Emanuel is said to have expressed his concern that the metropolitan area’s gun violence problem might soon spread to the parts of the city he actually gives a shit about, sources…

Bears GM Confident Team Has Right Pieces In Place To Trade Jay Cutler

CHICAGO—Claiming that the franchise is now on the brink of finally achieving something truly great, Chicago Bears general manager Ryan Pace expressed his confidence Tuesday that the team has the right pieces in place to trade quarterback Jay Cutler. “We’ve been working toward this for a long time, and we’re finally in…

Chicago's Annual Homicide Drive Off To Most Promising Start In Decades

CHICAGO—Having tallied a “very promising” 41 murders so far in 2013, police officials confirmed Tuesday that the annual Chicago Homicide Drive was off to its fastest start in more than a decade and was already well on its way to reaching this year’s goal for violent slayings. “It’s still January, but we’ve already…

Chicago Public Schools Celebrate Fifth Straight Day Without Any Student Violence

CHICAGO—Jubilant Chicago Public Schools officials announced Friday that, for five straight days now, there has not been a single act of student violence in any of the city’s 675 public schools. “Our classrooms and hallways are safer now than they’ve ever been,” said CPS chief executive Jean-Claude Brizard, happily…