SportsBaseballSportsBaseballChicago Cubs Launch Charitable Initiative To Give Back To Overserved CommunitiesCHICAGO—Honoring the most dedicated part of their fan base with the summer volunteer program, the Chicago Cubs…
SportsSportsCubs Sign Sammy Sosa To $300 Million Deal Just To Give Casual Fans Point Of ReferenceCHICAGO—Extending an olive branch to fans who stopped following the game in the 1990s, the Chicago Cubs reportedly…
SportsSportsCubs Pitching Coach Forced To Clean Up Trembling, Piss-Covered Pitchers After Leaving Them Locked In Bullpen All DayST. LOUIS—Spraying down the traumatized players who were standing in puddles of their own excrement, Chicago Cubs…
SportsSportsCubs Team Doctor Recommends Anthony Rizzo Rehab Injured Ankle By Engaging In Light Physical Activities Like BaseballCHICAGO—Encouraging the first baseman to tread carefully during his long recovery process, the Cubs team doctor…
SportsSportsNation Would Be Totally Fine Just Doing World Series NowWASHINGTON—Acknowledging that they got the point and were ready to move on to something else, Americans from across…
SportsSportsJoe Maddon Saves Up All His Mound Visits For One Long Trip In 8th InningCHICAGO—Touting the lack of pressure to squeeze something into every second of the excursion, Cubs manager Joe…
SportsSportsMan Must Think It Enough To Wear Blackhawks Jersey At Cubs GameCHICAGO—Disappointed and irritated by his half-hearted display of fandom, sources reported Tuesday that local man…
SportsSportsWrigley Field Grounds Crew Feed Buckets Of Raw Meat To Hungry IvyCHICAGO—Standing several feet back as they tossed a ground-up, blood-soaked mixture of beef and pig meat toward the…
SportsSportsMillions Of Drunk Cubs Fans Rioting In Heaven Following World Series WinTHE HEAVENS—Following a 8-7 victory over the Cleveland Indians that clinched the team’s first World Series title…
SportsSportsCubs Fan Ready To Get Completely Drunk Again On Only 2 Days’ RestCHICAGO—Explaining that he is breaking from his normal routine for Game 1 of the World Series, 32-year-old Chicago…
SportsSportsCubs Fans Cautiously Optimistic After Jake Arrieta Throws 8th No-Hitter, Team Scores Over 30 Runs For 12th Consecutive GameCHICAGO—Stressing that “it’s only April” and that “there’s a lot of baseball still to play,” Cubs fans throughout…
SportsSportsTeammates Unnerved By Kris Bryant’s Repeated Attempts To Break Cubs’ Curse With Slaughtered GoatsCHICAGO—Describing the sickening sight and stench of the carcasses that have become a constant presence around the…
SportsSportsCubs Insist Wrigley Field Beef Machine Will Be Ready For Opening DayCHICAGO—Responding to growing concerns about the state of offseason renovations to Wrigley Field, officials from the…
SportsSportsWrigley Field Removes Iconic Ivy From Urinal TroughsCHICAGO—In a move that has outraged many fans who consider the vines a treasured part of Wrigley Field’s charm and…
SportsSportsChild Shown Field Where Cubs SuckCHICAGO—Visiting for the first time in his young life, 9-year-old Jacob Tendering was reportedly shown the field…
SportsSportsWrigley Field Jumbotron To Offer Cubs Fans Welcome DistractionCHICAGO—In the midst of heated debate over the installation of Wrigley Field’s first-ever Jumbotron, officials from…
SportsSportsCubs Players Heckle Lackluster Fans In Wrigley Field StandsCHICAGO—After seeing yet another anemic, lifeless display in the stands, sources confirmed Tuesday that frustrated…