TOLEDO, OH—In a move that obliterated the final vestiges of his youthful innocence, toddler Charles Mankiewicz, 3, was told Tuesday that he could no longer touch his own genitals at the dinner table, robbing him forever of the simple joy of childhood. “Stop that,” said the child’s joyless parents, ensuring that the…

BERKELEY, CA—In what may pose a major paradigm shift in the rudimentary understanding of the small creatures, researchers at the University of California, Berkeley discovered evidence Wednesday that suggests children may, in fact, be closely related to humans. “After painstakingly extracting, sequencing, and analyzing…

STANFORD, CA—Warning that the bright lights and flashy sets could have lasting effects on early brain development, health experts at Stanford University published a report Friday urging parents to dramatically reduce their children’s on-screen time. “Simply put, there is nothing worse for your child than allowing them…

FOSTER CITY, CA—Engaged in heated discussion over the artistic license taken in the creation of the animated show, local toddlers Lucas Leora and Mimi Raymond fiercely debated Tuesday whether Dora’s Explorer Girls was canon or part of Dora The Explorer’s expanded universe. “Listen, I’ve watched all the episodes, and…

PHILADELPHIA—Emphasizing that “a lousy homemade coupon for free hugs dashed off at the last minute won’t cut it any longer,” mother of three Andrea Wolner told reporters Friday that her children were now officially old enough to pony up for a meaningful birthday gift. “Andrew, Gabe, and Jessica have jobs at this…

MESA, AZ—Disgusted by the gross misuse of resources, concerned citizen and self-described patriot Andrew Beardsley voiced his anger Thursday concerning the thousands of refugee children currently occupying prison cells that could be used to incarcerate real Americans. “It makes me sick to think of these freeloading…

MONROE, WA—His eyes rolling in his head and his mane tossing as he contemplated the approach of the hulking figure in line at his paddock, Camp Hamilton resident Shetland pony Murph experienced an equine anxiety attack Thursday while waiting for his trainer to flag an unusually large child as being too big for a ride.…

KAUKAUNA, WI—Given pause after witnessing the consequences of their actions, members of a sixth-grade class at River View Middle School reported feeling kind of bad Wednesday after discovering how little effort it took to make their teacher, 23-year-old Kayla Martin, cry. “Oh, jeez, now I feel guilty—I realize we were…

WESTCHESTER, NY—Acknowledging that there were definitely far more pressing issues for the young superhero to address, 5-year-old Sam Byer admitted Wednesday that it was pretty messed up that Spider-Man had chosen to entertain guests at his birthday party when he could be out saving lives. “Look, I’m glad he showed up…

WINCHESTER, MA—Spellbound by his own thoughts as the words “Classroom Essentials” appeared on screen and washed over him in a cold tide of sudden awareness, incoming third-grader Harrison Jacobs was struck Friday by a sudden recognition of his own mortality brought on by another year of back-to-school commercials.…

SEATTLE, WA—With responses ranging from “squirming in discomfort” to “completely discouraged from studying science and engineering,” a nationwide poll group of high school-age girls revealed Tuesday that the nation’s young women are being utterly creeped out by scientists twice their age constantly attempting to lure…

NORILSK, RUSSIA—Following the president’s disclosure that the purpose of the controversial June 2016 Trump Tower meeting was in fact held to collect opposition research on Hillary Clinton, hundreds of Russian orphans were devastated Monday after realizing that Donald Trump Jr. did not in fact call Russian lobbyists to…

WASHINGTON––While being briefed on the inhumane, unsanitary, often abusive conditions in facilities housing more than 700 immigrant children who have been separated from their families for months on end, White House advisor and first daughter Ivanka Trump was distraught to learn Thursday that none of the detainees…

COSTA MESA, CA—Excitedly waving his arms from the diving board of his local pool Friday, 10-year-old Bryan Eastman reportedly yelled for his mother Emily, 36, to watch him perform a cannonball while she was attempting to feast her eyes upon a visual banquet of athletic young men nearby. “Mom, Mom, look at me! This is…

ABINGTON, PA—Experiencing an urgent need to extend his bloodline, prospective father Mark Griffin said Thursday that he felt pressured to give his mother grandchildren while she was still around to care for them on his behalf. “Sad to say, Mom’s getting older, and if I wait any longer to have kids, she may not be…

ELIZAVILLE, NY—Speculating as to whether or not the social order could ever regain its stability, witnesses confirmed Thursday that the established interpersonal hierarchy at Camp Eagle Hill had been thrown into turmoil by the emergence of a second girl with practical knowledge of the French braid. “This is completely…