DANVERS, MA—Observing the potentially suspicious behavior from a monitor bay in the entertainment center’s control room, Chuck E. Cheese’s pit boss Lance Kessler reportedly told a floor attendant Thursday to keep an eye on a guest who kept winning big at skee-ball. “Our friend at machine 12 seems to be on one hell of…
NAZARETH, PA—Sprinting down driveways and cutting through bushes to lock down the situation as quickly as possible, a group of 10-year-old first responders rushed to the stone-path scene of a single-vehicle BMX bike crash Wednesday to check out Tyler’s totally fucked-up leg. “Quick, guys! Call Trevor, get Brian,…
SIOUX FALLS, SD—Playacting raised voices and heated accusations as she made her toys stomp around her bedroom floor, 3-year-old Allyson Barnes was reportedly pretending Wednesday that her stuffed animals were having a big fight about an accidental pregnancy. “How could you have been so careless, Mrs. Puffles?” said…
CLIFTON, NJ—Revealing that by the time most American mothers notice their sons’ activities it is already too late, a report published Wednesday by SurveyUSA claims that the majority of maternal parents aren’t paying sufficient attention to 80 percent of the cool things the nation’s boys do. “Whether at playgrounds,…
SAN DIEGO—Aghast at what apparently passes for parental supervision these days, theatergoing sources reported Wednesday that, oh, Jesus Christ, someone actually brought their kid to this thing. “Great. Now there’s some…some child making all this noise and running around, and I have no idea when or even if I’m supposed…
HARTFORD, CT—Acknowledging that their second-grader had reached “that uncomfortable stage” far earlier than most of his peers, the parents of 8-year-old Kyle Fiedler confirmed Friday that he was at that awkward age where no one cares what he thinks and he’s constantly in the way. “Kyle’s just going through that phase…
NEW YORK—According to a new study published Thursday in the journal Modern Parenting: Principles And Practice, the act of forcibly spanking one’s children is not only 100 percent effective but also incredibly fun. “After months spent watching parents discipline their kids aged 2-8 years, we found that nothing is quite…
ATHENS, OH—Noting the “sad fucking glimmer in his eye” as he opened the front door, sources confirmed Monday that it was kind of pathetic how excited local 3-year-old Jackson Ross was to see his dad return from work. “The second that car pulled into the driveway, the kid raced to the window, jumped up and down, and…
MERIDIAN, ID—Approaching the mysterious beings with a sense of curiosity and wonder, 5-year-old explorer Olivia Reynolds reportedly made contact Wednesday with two unknown life-forms in an adjacent booth at a local diner. According to witnesses, the harrowing journey began when the intrepid Reynolds stood up on her…
LAREDO, TX—Scrambling to cook breakfast, change a diaper, and put on his bulletproof vest at the same time, tough-as-nails ICE agent Tony Carter admitted Thursday that he was struggling to raise the remaining three members of the Guerrero family after deporting their parents to El Salvador. “Alright, you knuckleheads,…
WASHINGTON—In a study confirming much of the existing research on the destructive and often deadly incidents, the Department of Education reported Thursday that public humiliation of unpopular students remains the leading cause of telekinetic violence in U.S. high schools. “Our data indicate that a friendless student…
ST. CLOUD, MN—Saying there was no chance a cranium like that held an ordinary brain, sources told reporters Thursday that local boy Joshua Baker’s massive head indicated he had psychic powers. “There’s no way a kid with that humongous skull can’t do all kinds of crazy shit with his mind,” said neighbor Marcy Engel,…
WAYNE, PA—Knowing what she was in for within minutes of meeting the 5-year-old, local babysitter Hannah Leeds told reporters Wednesday that she could already tell that Jackson Keller was the kind of kid who suddenly gets naked for no reason. “Yeah, I know the type—the second you look away, he’ll have his pants down to…
