5-Year-Old Admits It Pretty Messed Up Spider-Man Visiting His Birthday Party When He Could Be Out Saving Lives

WESTCHESTER, NY—Acknowledging that there were definitely far more pressing issues for the young superhero to address, 5-year-old Sam Byer admitted Wednesday that it was pretty messed up that Spider-Man had chosen to entertain guests at his birthday party when he could be out saving lives. “Look, I’m glad he showed up…

Third-Grader Watching Another Year Of Back To School Commercials Suddenly Realizes He’ll Die One Day

WINCHESTER, MA—Spellbound by his own thoughts as the words “Classroom Essentials” appeared on screen and washed over him in a cold tide of sudden awareness, incoming third-grader Harrison Jacobs was struck Friday by a sudden recognition of his own mortality brought on by another year of back-to-school commercials.…

10-Year-Old Yelling At Mom To Watch Cannonball While She’s Trying To Scope Out Younger Men At Pool

COSTA MESA, CA—Excitedly waving his arms from the diving board of his local pool Friday, 10-year-old Bryan Eastman reportedly yelled for his mother Emily, 36, to watch him perform a cannonball while she was attempting to feast her eyes upon a visual banquet of athletic young men nearby. “Mom, Mom, look at me! This is…