SEATTLE, WA—With responses ranging from “squirming in discomfort” to “completely discouraged from studying science and engineering,” a nationwide poll group of high school-age girls revealed Tuesday that the nation’s young women are being utterly creeped out by scientists twice their age constantly attempting to lure…

NORILSK, RUSSIA—Following the president’s disclosure that the purpose of the controversial June 2016 Trump Tower meeting was in fact held to collect opposition research on Hillary Clinton, hundreds of Russian orphans were devastated Monday after realizing that Donald Trump Jr. did not in fact call Russian lobbyists to…

WASHINGTON––While being briefed on the inhumane, unsanitary, often abusive conditions in facilities housing more than 700 immigrant children who have been separated from their families for months on end, White House advisor and first daughter Ivanka Trump was distraught to learn Thursday that none of the detainees…

COSTA MESA, CA—Excitedly waving his arms from the diving board of his local pool Friday, 10-year-old Bryan Eastman reportedly yelled for his mother Emily, 36, to watch him perform a cannonball while she was attempting to feast her eyes upon a visual banquet of athletic young men nearby. “Mom, Mom, look at me! This is…

ABINGTON, PA—Experiencing an urgent need to extend his bloodline, prospective father Mark Griffin said Thursday that he felt pressured to give his mother grandchildren while she was still around to care for them on his behalf. “Sad to say, Mom’s getting older, and if I wait any longer to have kids, she may not be…

ELIZAVILLE, NY—Speculating as to whether or not the social order could ever regain its stability, witnesses confirmed Thursday that the established interpersonal hierarchy at Camp Eagle Hill had been thrown into turmoil by the emergence of a second girl with practical knowledge of the French braid. “This is completely…

Recent incidents of Trump officials being confronted in public for their role in the administration’s separation and imprisonment of immigrant families have driven renewed concern about the lack of civility in U.S. politics. The Onion presents tips for staying civil in a debate about child prisons.

PEABODY, MA—Having discovered the social media website open on his father’s unattended laptop, local 6-year-old Oliver Sherman stated “We must protect the pure Aryan bloodline” Friday after nine minutes of Facebook access without supervision. “There’s a white genocide going on in this country, and no one wants you to…

MENLO PARK, CA—A $30 million donation from a charity run by Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg and his wife, Priscilla Chan, intended to help kids learn to read, has been returned following a resounding “fuck you” from the nation’s illiterate children, sources confirmed Friday. “Take this blood money and shove it up…

CASA PADRE, TX—Remaining optimistic about his prospects in the land of opportunity, 3-year-old Honduran immigrant Luis Pereira still hopes to achieve the American dream of someday living in a bigger, better cage, sources confirmed Thursday. “I’m trying to make the best of my situation, and each day I’m progressing—for…

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision represented what was best for himself and for the nation, Frank Giaccio, the 11-year-old boy best known for mowing the White House lawn last September, told reporters Wednesday that he has decided to flip on Trump. “After extensive discussion with my legal representatives, I’ve realized…

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Racking his brain for something that he could say to stop the child from crying, ICE agent Don Neville was reportedly trying Monday to think of a fun name for a jail cell before locking up a 5-year-old immigrant. “I really thought it would work when I told him he was going to the ‘fun cave,’ but he…