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Retired Security Guard Pens Open Letter To Colin Kaepernick About National Anthem

BOZEMAN, MT­—Describing the San Francisco 49ers quarterback’s controversial decision to sit during the national anthem in protest against systemic racism as “shameful” and “a disgrace to our nation,” retired security guard Rick Arnold, 63, reportedly penned a critical open letter to Colin Kaepernick in the opinion…

Baltimore Residents Urged To Stay Indoors Until Social Progress Naturally Takes Its Course Over Next Century

BALTIMORE—Calling it an emergency measure designed to ensure public safety and order, Baltimore officials held a press conference Wednesday urging all residents to stay indoors until the natural evolution of social progress takes shape over the next century. “Given the ongoing situation in our city, we ask that…

Study: Support For Bill Of Rights Highest While Attempting To Talk Way Out Of Drunk Driving Arrest

PRINCETON, NJ—According to a study published Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University, Americans’ support for the Bill of Rights is never stronger or more vocal than when attempting to talk their way out of a drunk driving arrest. “Whether citing Fourth Amendment protections against illegal searches and…

Area Man Willing To Give Up Any Of Muslims’ Rights Necessary To Feel Safe

PITTSBURGH—Explaining how defending the population is the government’s ultimate responsibility, area man Greg Farnsworth told reporters Thursday he is willing to give up any of Muslims’ rights necessary to feel safe. “The bottom line is that we are putting innocent lives at risk if we don’t give the government more…

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