Climatologists Say Humanity’s Best Hope Is Hurricanes Spinning In Different Directions And Canceling Each Other Out

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning that the planet would continue to experience progressively more destructive storms caused by climate change, a group of the nation’s leading climatologists said Wednesday that humanity’s best hope now is for hurricanes spinning in opposite directions to cancel each other out. “At this point,…

Texas Governor Warns It Could Be Decades Before State Fully Ready To Talk About Climate Change

AUSTIN, TX—Predicting a long, hard road ahead before the discourse was in anything approaching satisfactory condition, Texas governor Greg Abbott warned Thursday that it could be decades before the state was fully ready to talk about climate change. “After visiting communities throughout the state, it’s clear there…

Houston Residents Begin Surveying Damage Of 200 Years Of Unchecked Worldwide Industrialization

HOUSTON—Appearing shellshocked as they took in the scenes of devastation around them, Houston residents reportedly emerged from their homes Monday to survey the damage caused by 200 years of rampant, worldwide industrialization. “Oh my God. Everything’s destroyed, everywhere you look,” said visibly stunned citizen…

Report: Rise In Global Temperatures Likely To Increase Number of Americans Who Fucking Reek

WASHINGTON—Sounding the alarm on yet another devastating effect of climate change, a report released Tuesday by the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration found that even a modest rise in global temperatures is likely to increase the number of Americans who fucking reek. “If the upward trend in average global…

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Scientists Claim Solar Energy Will Be Capable Of Powering 95% Of Scorchlands Outposts By 2085

STANFORD, CA—Saying the findings reflected the promise of a sustainable future, Stanford University’s Global Climate and Energy Project issued a report Thursday predicting that solar energy will be able to power 95 percent of Scorchlands outposts by 2085. “Based on current trends in renewables, we estimate that in…

Climate Experts Say Only Hope For Saving Planet Lies With People Who Save Napkins From Takeout Order

GENEVA—Explaining that global warming trends were close to passing a dangerous and irreversible tipping point, a report released Monday by the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change stated that humanity’s sole hope for saving the planet now lies with people who save napkins from their takeout orders. “According to…