WASHINGTON—Even as they united behind journalist Kaitlan Collins after the Trump administration barred her from attending a press conference with the president, the White House press corps reportedly admitted Thursday that they wished their show of solidarity over a banned reporter could be for a better news…
NEW YORK—CNN Anchors Brooke Baldwin and Dana Bash reportedly sat speechless Thursday after their guest Dr. Gina Jimenez went on a long, coherent thought, unleashing a tirade of articulate points completely relevant to the topic at hand. “Dr. Jimenez, if I could just quickly interrupt you for a moment—could you please…
ATLANTA—In response to a U.S. district court judge overturning a Justice Department ruling that had previously blocked an $85 billion merger between telecom giant AT&T and its parent company, Time Warner, CNN reportedly promised Tuesday that the consolidation would have no effect on its ability to maintain a complete…
ATLANTA—Explaining that the topic involves an elaborate web of military, political, and economic issues, CNN panelists warned Monday that the North Korea situation was way too complex for them to discuss intelligently. “Viewers should understand that a CNN panel has absolutely no business deliberating about the…
NEW YORK—After a fourth woman stepped forward alleging that the journalist had engaged her in a respectful and entirely aboveboard romantic encounter, CNN announced Thursday that it would be launching a full investigation into reports of Wolf Blitzer’s highly proper sexual conduct. “I assure you that we are taking…
NEW YORK—Briskly striding into frame and interrupting a jubilant family meal, CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer reportedly entered the middle of an Olive Garden commercial airing during the network’s election coverage Tuesday night to announce a late-breaking election result. “Breaking news: CNN is calling Nevada for Hillary…
NEW YORK—Noting that the storage canister had nearly reached capacity, CNN technicians reportedly rushed to empty Wolf Blitzer’s urine tank Tuesday night midway through the network’s election coverage. “All right, people, it’s go time—we need to release the pressure valves and drain this thing now, because the clock…
NEW YORK—Roughly two hours into the network’s live nine-hour-long “Election Night In America” programming block, CNN anchor Anderson Cooper informed viewers Tuesday evening he is only moments away from delivering the first piece of genuinely significant information of the day. “Folks, you’ll want to stay with us,…
PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button…
LAS VEGAS—Saying the presidential candidate simply wouldn’t go on stage unless her requests were met, Hillary Clinton’s campaign staffers informed CNN producers Tuesday that her dressing room must be stocked with four pounds of flavorless protein paste ahead of tonight’s Democratic primary debate. “Please provide one…
ATLANTA—Kicking around ideas ranging from an uptick in child kidnappings to a new link between laptops and cancer, senior CNN staffers held their regular daily meeting this morning to decide which topic viewers should panic about for the rest of the day. “It’s always kind of tough to get our meetings going each…
ATLANTA—Following the acquittal of George Zimmerman in the murder of African-American teenager Trayvon Martin, news network CNN convened a special on-air panel today to determine if perhaps some kind of race problem or division currently exists in the United States of America. “In the wake of this contentious verdict,…
BOSTON—In the midst of a widespread manhunt that has put the city of Boston on lockdown, CNN released a series of photographs today depicting the three obese Mexican women it claims are the chief suspects in the Boston Marathon attack. “My top-level sources have confirmed that the individuals depicted in these photos…
NEW YORK—Speaking with reporters Tuesday after emptying another box of fan mail into the dumpster behind his Manhattan apartment, CNN news anchor Anderson Cooper explained that there was just no way he could read and respond to the substantial volume of letters he receives from his young homosexual fans. “I’m glad…
WASHINGTON—A day after his “Magic Wall” coverage of the U.S. presidential election, sources confirmed that CNN chief national correspondent John King is now swiping his hands across everything from lampshades to parked cars. “Let’s see what’s going on over here,” King reportedly said while swiping tables, chairs, and…
NEW YORK—In an effort to provide viewers with an authentic, first-person account of conditions on the ground in Libya, CNN news anchor Kyra Phillips conducted an exclusive, one-on-one interview Tuesday with the Al Jazeera news anchor who interviewed leaders of the uprising. “What can you tell us about what they told…
ATLANTA—CNN officials announced that they will be carrying the popular news show This Week At War through the 2014 season. “We’re confident that we’ll have at least eight full seasons worth of material for this property,” said CNN President Jonathan Klein during the dedication of the new 11-story TWAW news…
