White House Press Corps Wishes Show Of Solidarity Over Banned Reporter Could Be For Better News Organization Than CNN

WASHINGTON—Even as they united behind journalist Kaitlan Collins after the Trump administration barred her from attending a press conference with the president, the White House press corps reportedly admitted Thursday that they wished their show of solidarity over a banned reporter could be for a better news…

CNN Promises To Maintain Complete Lack Of Editorial Integrity Despite AT&T-Time Warner Merger

ATLANTA—In response to a U.S. district court judge overturning a Justice Department ruling that had previously blocked an $85 billion merger between telecom giant AT&T and its parent company, Time Warner, CNN reportedly promised Tuesday that the consolidation would have no effect on its ability to maintain a complete…

Wolf Blitzer Walks Into Middle Of Olive Garden Commercial To Announce Breaking Election Results

NEW YORK—Briskly striding into frame and interrupting a jubilant family meal, CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer reportedly entered the middle of an Olive Garden commercial airing during the network’s election coverage Tuesday night to announce a late-breaking election result. “Breaking news: CNN is calling Nevada for Hillary…

CNN Technicians Rush To Empty Wolf Blitzer’s Urine Tank Midway Through Election Coverage

NEW YORK—Noting that the storage canister had nearly reached capacity, CNN technicians reportedly rushed to empty Wolf Blitzer’s urine tank Tuesday night midway through the network’s election coverage. “All right, people, it’s go time—we need to release the pressure valves and drain this thing now, because the clock…

Anderson Cooper Informs Viewers CNN Just Minutes Away From First Significant Piece Of Information Of Day

NEW YORK—Roughly two hours into the network’s live nine-hour-long “Election Night In America” programming block, CNN anchor Anderson Cooper informed viewers Tuesday evening he is only moments away from delivering the first piece of genuinely significant information of the day. “Folks, you’ll want to stay with us,…

Clinton Campaign Asks CNN To Stock Dressing Room With 4 Pounds Of Flavorless Protein Paste

LAS VEGAS—Saying the presidential candidate simply wouldn’t go on stage unless her requests were met, Hillary Clinton’s campaign staffers informed CNN producers Tuesday that her dressing room must be stocked with four pounds of flavorless protein paste ahead of tonight’s Democratic primary debate. “Please provide one…

CNN's John King Now Just Swiping Hands Across Everything

WASHINGTON—A day after his “Magic Wall” coverage of the U.S. presidential election, sources confirmed that CNN chief national correspondent John King is now swiping his hands across everything from lampshades to parked cars. “Let’s see what’s going on over here,” King reportedly said while swiping tables, chairs, and…