TUSCALOOSA, ALâIn an effort to prevent further alcohol-related tragedy, University of Alabama administrators announced plans Tuesday to suspend all lightweights who canât handle their shit following the hazing death of freshman Delta Kappa Epsilon pledge Matthew Young. âWhat happened to Matt this past weekend isâŚ
NEW HAVEN, CTâImmediately dismissing the high school seniorâs chances of acceptance after reviewing his record, Yale admissions officers reportedly decided Friday that an applicant who had actually faced punishment for committing sexual assault was clearly not Yale material. âWe have a very high standard here at Yale,âŚ
GALESBURG, ILâBaffled by the unusual pace of their classmateâs social involvement, residents at a Knox College dormitory observed Friday that fellow student Andrew Witte had a friend from home visiting way too soon. âWell, okay. Weâve only been here a couple weeks, and Drew already has a high school buddy crashing inâŚ
KALAMAZOO, MIâFailing to complete the simple task despite his ostensibly robust academic background, onlooking students at Kalamazoo College reported Wednesday that their supposedly educated literature professor Gene Cabella demonstrated no clue as to how to rid their lecture hall of a bird that had flown in throughâŚ
CHARLOTTESVILLE, VAâCarefully establishing a reminder lest they lose themselves in a moment of exuberance, fraternity brothers at the University of Virginaâs Sigma Chi chapter made a note Tuesday not to kill a member of their new pledge class during the intense hazing process, as his family happens to own a commodiousâŚ
TALLAHASSEE, FLâCalling the ordeal both âhilariousâ and âclassic Trevor,â representatives from Florida Stateâs Sigma Chi fraternity confirmed Friday that its brothers had drawn all over a pledge who passed away at a party. âDude, Trev totally deserved to get fucked with because he passed away, like, super early lastâŚ
TUSCALOOSA, ALâSuddenly realizing that the tradition was actually sort of strange when one stopped to really think about it, University of Alabama administrators admitted to reporters Thursday that it was pretty weird that they let a bunch of 20-year-olds live in a big mansion and torture each other. âI guess allowingâŚ
This yearâs incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2022, with most of them being born in 2000. The Onion takes a look at some facts and figures about these students and their worldview.
BERKELEY, CAâEagerly speculating over who will make up the roster of controversial public intellectuals, students at the University of California, Berkeley told reporters Thursday they were excited to see the slate of notable speakers who will be disinvited to campus this year. âMan, I canât wait to see whichâŚ
CAMBRIDGE, MAâEmphasizing the graduatesâ enthusiasm for life, eagerness to contribute to society, and 22 percent higher than average engagement rate with online data aggregation sites, Facebook chief operating officer Sheryl Sandberg delivered a commencement speech at the Massachusetts Institute Of Technology FridayâŚ
APPLETON, WIâNoting that the message had been received loud and fucking clear already, attendees of Appleton West High Schoolâs graduation ceremony Saturday reported the whole thing had turned into one big, broken record concerning their late classmate Chelsea Heckelâs sudden death in a car accident. âWhen the deanâŚ
DURHAM, NCâUrging millions of 32-year-olds to report immediately to the registrarâs office, colleges across the country sent out a reminder Wednesday to every student who graduated in 2008 that their degrees were about to expire. âAny alumnus who wishes to renew their associateâs, bachelorâs, or graduate degree is toâŚ
ROCK ISLAND, ILâNoting that the ceremonyâs esteemed guest of honor sure seemed like a cocky motherfucker, attendees of Augustana Collegeâs graduation Sunday reported that the hotshot commencement speaker just jumped straight into his speech without even defining the word âcourage.â âWell, well, wellânot even a singleâŚ
ALLENTOWN, PAâPurporting to read right through the grandstanding handbill, sources confirmed Friday that there could be absolutely no way Muhlenberg Collegeâs Japan Society could fulfill the lofty promises made by their poster on the Trexler Memorial Libraryâs bulletin board. âDo these bullshitters really expect me toâŚ
Free speech has become an increasingly contentious issue on college campuses as students, faculty, and the national media debate whether schools should impose restrictions on things like protests, guest speakers, and course material. The Onion takes a look at the pros and cons of free speech on college campuses.
With applications due in just a few months, students are scrambling to write essays that showcase their academic prowess and personalities. Here are some tips for writing a great college application essay.
NASHVILLE, TNâStressing the importance of the fan baseâs health and wellbeing, Vanderbilt University chancellor Nicholas Zeppos advised Commodore football fans Thursday to get vaccinated before the teamâs Southeastern Conference road schedule begins next week. âThose of you travelling into parts of the country likeâŚ
