Sheryl Sandberg’s MIT Commencement Address Clearly References Personal Data Of Individual Graduating Students

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Emphasizing the graduates’ enthusiasm for life, eagerness to contribute to society, and 22 percent higher than average engagement rate with online data aggregation sites, Facebook chief operating officer Sheryl Sandberg delivered a commencement speech at the Massachusetts Institute Of Technology Friday…

Hotshot Commencement Speaker Jumps Straight Into Speech Without Even Defining ‘Courage’

ROCK ISLAND, IL—Noting that the ceremony’s esteemed guest of honor sure seemed like a cocky motherfucker, attendees of Augustana College’s graduation Sunday reported that the hotshot commencement speaker just jumped straight into his speech without even defining the word “courage.” “Well, well, well—not even a single…

Report: No Way College Japan Society Can Match Lofty Promises Made By Poster Hanging In Library 

ALLENTOWN, PA—Purporting to read right through the grandstanding handbill, sources confirmed Friday that there could be absolutely no way Muhlenberg College’s Japan Society could fulfill the lofty promises made by their poster on the Trexler Memorial Library’s bulletin board. “Do these bullshitters really expect me to…

College Freshman Experiences First Tantalizing Taste Of Freedom Waiting In Line At Burrito Station While Parents Find Table

CARLISLE, PA—Awed at the endless possibilities before him, Dickinson College freshman Andrew Glenn reportedly experienced his first tantalizing taste of freedom Monday while waiting in line at the dining hall burrito station as his parents scoped out a place to sit. “I can get anything I want, absolutely anything,”…

Report: Delivering College Recruitment Letters To Five-Star Athletes Comprises 83% Of All Revenue For U.S. Postal Service

WASHINGTON—Noting that almost two-thirds of the nation’s postal workers were occupied with sorting and delivering the packages at any given time, an audit released Thursday by the U.S. Postal Service revealed that delivering college recruitment letters to five-star athletes comprises 83 percent of the agency’s annual…