The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

INDIANAPOLIS—Saying that he has always dreamed about the experience, CBS Sports announcer Jim Nantz reportedly wondered aloud what holding a basketball might be like during Friday afternoon’s broadcast. “It’s moments like this, as I watch these young players, that I imagine how truly amazing it must feel to hold a…

CHICAGO—Calling the games a “complete time suck,” 32-year-old junior sales associate Collin Hiller told reporters Friday that the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has really been affecting his ability to get any fucking around done. “Normally I’d be busy doing jack shit at the office right now, but today I’ve been…

GREENVILLE, SC—Recounting the difficult circumstances that shaped his development into adulthood, Duke University shooting guard Grayson Allen recalled Friday the struggle of growing up without any principles. “It was really tough not having any ethics, especially when all the other kids did,” said a visibly…

CHAPEL HILL, NC—Lamenting that he won’t be able to watch the highly anticipated game with his friends, University of North Carolina junior Aaron Wright expressed his frustration Monday that he will be too busy studying for players’ tests to watch the Tar Heels play Villanova for the NCAA National Championship. “Man, I…

WASHINGTON—According to a new report released by the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, the overwhelming majority of the nation’s workload will be completed today during timeouts in March Madness games. “Our research indicates that over 90 percent of all work tasks in both the public and private sectors will be carried…

NEW YORK—Ahead of the team’s first-round game against Seton Hall in the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament, a new report released Thursday revealed that Gonzaga is in Washington state, right? “It’s up right around Seattle, isn’t it?” read the report in part, which went on to speculate that Gonzaga is the name of a town…

LEXINGTON, KY—In an appalling revelation that has sent shockwaves through the program, multiple reports confirmed Thursday that seniors on this year’s University of Kentucky basketball team were repeatedly subjected to cruel and degrading forms of hazing by the team’s freshman players. “We discovered a number of…

TOLEDO, OH—Noting that he simply ran out of time this year, 32-year-old Collin Buckley admitted to reporters Wednesday that he may not have done enough research to take all the fun out of filling out his NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament bracket. “I actually enjoyed putting some of this together, which makes me wonder…

LOUISVILLE, KY—Stressing the importance of improving communication between players and the coaching staff, University of Louisville basketball head coach Rick Pitino reminded his players Monday that the door to his sex dungeon is always open. “I just want you guys to know that I’m here to discuss any issues you might…

LOUISVILLE, KY—Following the publication of a book alleging that a member of the school’s basketball department paid women to perform sex acts for recruits, furious University of Louisville head coach Rick Pitino told reporters Wednesday that the media was trying to tarnish the name of a great escort service. “No one,…

CLEVELAND—Following the Wildcats’ 78-39 victory over West Virginia in the Sweet 16, Kentucky sources confirmed that coach John Calipari had canceled Friday’s practice so the players could get fitted for NBA draft suits. “Coach told us it was really important to be prepared, because draft night is just around the…

SEATTLE—Praising her incredible physique and wide array of intangible qualities, Louisville men’s basketball coach Rick Pitino told reporters Friday that he has absolutely loved what he’s seen thus far from freshman cheerleader Danielle Crawley. “Right now she’s a little raw, but give her time to develop and I think…