In Response To Michael Cohen, ‘The Onion’ Pledges To Remove All Negative Trump Coverage In Exchange For A Direct Line To The President

The Onion, in recent days, has attempted to contend with a serious legal threat issued in 2013 by the president’s personal attorney. In exchange for removing an offending piece written by Mr. Trump, titled “When You’re Feeling Low, Just Remember I’ll Be Dead In About 15 Or 20 Years,” our publication hoped for a speedy…

‘The Onion’ Has Finally Read Michael Cohen’s 2013 Email Regarding His Client Donald Trump And Would Like To Discuss The Matter Further At His Convenience

In a free press, journalists must expose the truth even if it upsets those in power. Our work often leads to significant backlash, and we at The Onion are no strangers to receiving threats of legal action. While we generally dismiss them as the baseless accusations they are, we recently found an old cease-and-desist…

Happy Monday, Everyone! Looking Forward To Another Week Of Infecting Every Aspect Of Your Daily Lives!

Good morning, everyone! What a week we’ve got coming up. A tremendous week. The fall season is here, we’re working on huge tax cuts, and there’s a lot of optimism having to do with business in our economy. Also, we’re ending Obamacare. And I’m going to get the wall. But beyond all that, what I’m looking forward to the…

Americans Are Tired Of The Same Old Pandering And Stale Ideas We’re Going To Keep Offering Them

If last year’s election showed us anything, it’s that anger and resentment are on the rise. I hear it from small business owners and working-class families, from millennials and retirees. There’s a sense that we’ve lost our way, and that the blame rests squarely on our nation’s leadership. Simply put, Americans are…

This Shooting Isn’t About Gun Control We Refuse To Pass, It’s About Access To Mental Health Care We’re Continuing To Gut

As our nation struggles to come to grips with the horrible tragedy in Las Vegas, it’s only natural for people to search for an explanation of how an atrocity like this could have happened and to call on their elected officials to take measures to prevent such terrible bloodshed from occurring again in the future.…

Being A Senator Means Making Tough Decisions That Aren’t Always Popular, Smart, Politically Viable, Or Beneficial To Your Constituents

When Lindsey Graham and I released our healthcare bill earlier this month, we knew it would elicit a full-throated response. Citizens across this country are deeply concerned about such an important issue, and these days, you simply can’t talk about healthcare without stirring passionate emotions on either side.…

It Would Really Help Me Out If You Guys Could Just Give Up Your Health Insurance This One Time

Hey there, it’s your ol’ pal, Mitch. How’ve you been? Great, great. Anyways, I got a small favor to ask. You see, I’ve got this problem that’s been bothering me for a while and I was kind of hoping you could give me a hand with it. Basically, it would really, really help me out right now if you could just give up your…

We Welcome Everyone, Regardless Of Gender Identity, To Use Our Piss- And Shit-Covered Bathrooms

For more than 60 years, Marshalls has committed itself to offering name-brand fashions and home goods at prices everyone can afford. Over that time, we’ve strived to ensure our stores provide an inclusive shopping environment in which all are treated with respect. That’s why at Marshalls locations nationwide, our…

People Think Being A Veterinarian Is Just Playing With Cute Animals All Day, But I Also Get To Kill Them

Whenever I tell people I’m a veterinarian, I see their eyes light up, and I know exactly what’s coming next: “Oh my gosh! It must be so amazing to get to play with cute puppies and kitties all day! You’re so lucky!” But being a vet isn’t just showing up in the morning and then frolicking with adorable animals from…

I Believe My Experience Working On Films Such As ‘Seven,’ ‘Ocean’s Eleven,’ and ‘World War Z’ Would Make Me A Valuable Asset To Your Next Action Movie

To become box office hits, today’s motion pictures require dedicated, hardworking actors with the talent and know-how required to execute a quality performance on screen. While I know you have many good candidates to choose from when casting your production, I believe my experience working on films such as Seven,