WASHINGTON—Saying he just wants to fit in with his colleagues, shy Rep. Harold Olsen confided to reporters Wednesday that he often feels left out of all the illegal activities going on in Congress and wishes his fellow lawmakers would include him in their crimes. “I see everyone around me committing these…
WASHINGTON—In a sharp rebuke of the President’s failure to denounce Russia for interfering in the 2016 election, the Senate passed a bipartisan resolution Friday preventing themselves from stopping Trump. “Today, in service to the American people, we set aside our differences and reached across the aisle to send…
WASHINGTON—In response to public outcry over his recent controversial press conference with Russian president Vladimir Putin, Senate leaders cautioned Tuesday that it was far too early to discuss Trump. “We understand that many Americans may not agree with everything the president says, but these calls for the Senate…
WASHINGTON—Following immediately on the heels of his hearing before the House Judiciary and Oversight committees, FBI agent Peter Strzok was again summoned to testify before Congress Thursday about texts calling Trey Gowdy a “pissy little shithead.” “Now what exactly did you mean when you said Trey Gowdy was a…
WASHINGTON—Following President Trump’s decision to launch airstrikes in Syria without seeking approval from Congress, GOP lawmakers reportedly asked what they had ever done to make the commander in chief think they wouldn’t immediately knuckle under and let him bomb whomever he wishes. “Honestly, he ought to know by…
WASHINGTON—As they examined the recently released White House budget, U.S. senators and representatives expressed confusion Tuesday about the $500 million that President Trump has proposed the government spend on “laser stuff” in fiscal year 2019. “While I agree with many of the president’s recommendations, like his…
Congressional Republicans have repeatedly stated their intention to repeal and replace the Affordable Care Act soon after Donald Trump takes office. The Onion outlines how that process would work.
On Tuesday, Congress began holding confirmation hearings to evaluate the fitness of President-elect Donald Trump’s cabinet nominees for their offices. Here is a step-by-step guide to the confirmation hearing process.
WASHINGTON—Saying he got butterflies in his stomach the minute he learned they’d both be involved in drafting the legislation, congressman Jerry Bremner (R-NC) told reporters Tuesday he was excited to be working on a bill with an intern he has a huge crush on. “I’ve liked her for a long time, but I just haven’t had a…
WASHINGTON—Stating that the measure was essential for holding down the beat and getting people outta their seat, Congress reportedly allocated $500 million Monday for the development of funkier bass lines. “This funding will go a long way toward improving today’s bass lines, which have steadily grown less funky and…
WASHINGTON—Discussing the idea at their monthly operations meeting Tuesday, facilities managers responsible for overseeing the U.S. Capitol and its grounds devised a new plan to repurpose the building’s seldom-used Senate chamber by converting it into a storage room. “It’s been years since people have used that room…
WASHINGTON—Staring down in shock at her empty hands where the piece of legislation had been only seconds earlier, Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) was reportedly left horrified Monday after her gun control bill disintegrated immediately upon crossing into the Senate chamber. “I was just walking in from my office holding…
Look, I’m not the type who needs constant validation, and I have never sought preferential treatment from anyone. I just try to focus on doing what I do and not get too caught up in what people think or say about me. But I have to admit, it’s been hard to ignore all the support and appreciation I’ve been receiving…
WASHINGTON—Unsure how else to take action after this weekend’s mass shooting in Orlando, FL that left scores dead, a frustrated President Obama spent Monday morning writing a letter to his congressman about the need for tighter gun control laws, sources confirmed. “Representative Rush, the attack in Orlando was a…
Like the rest of the nation, I was horrified by this weekend’s senseless attack on an Orlando nightclub. Such brutality is unconscionable, but as Americans we need to remain strong in the face of violence and intimidation, and resist giving in to despair. At times like this, we must pull ourselves up, hold our loved…
WASHINGTON—Admitting he felt “scared and nervous” after the deadliest mass shooting in U.S. history at an Orlando, FL nightclub, NRA executive vice president Wayne LaPierre reportedly rushed out of his home early Monday to buy a congressman. “When I saw what happened in Orlando, I wanted to make sure that I was able…
WASHINGTON—Expressing concern over his increasingly combative behavior and refusal to cooperate with others, sources confirmed this week that Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-AL), who comes from a troubled home state, has been frequently acting out in Congress. “His home state must be a very unhealthy environment, given all the…
