More Elderly Americans Keeping Active By Maintaining Control Of Senate
Congress Wishes They Could Help Puerto Rico But It’s All The Way Over There
WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that they really want to help any way they can, members of Congress announced Friday that while they desperately wish they could lend aid and assistance to the U.S. territory of Puerto Rico while it struggles to recover from Hurricane Maria, the fact remains that the island is all the way over…
GOP Leaders Demand Congressman Duncan Hunter’s Resignation After Discovering He Poor
WASHINGTON—In the wake of federal charges brought against the California lawmaker for multiple egregious campaign finance violations, GOP leadership released a statement Friday calling for Congressman Duncan Hunter’s resignation following the revelation that he is, in fact, poor. “Congressman Hunter’s actions simply…
Sen. Hatch Says Trump Allegations Not Serious Enough That Scales Should Fall From Eyes Revealing What Madness We Have Begotten
WASHINGTON—In the wake of Paul Manafort’s conviction and Michael Cohen’s guilty plea, Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT) told reporters Thursday that the mounting allegations against President Trump are not yet serious enough to make the scales fall from the eyes of Republicans and allow them to behold the sheer shrieking…
Shy Congressman Wishes Other Lawmakers Would Include Him In Their Crimes
WASHINGTON—Saying he just wants to fit in with his colleagues, shy Rep. Harold Olsen confided to reporters Wednesday that he often feels left out of all the illegal activities going on in Congress and wishes his fellow lawmakers would include him in their crimes. “I see everyone around me committing these…
Senate Passes Bipartisan Resolution Preventing Themselves From Stopping Trump
WASHINGTON—In a sharp rebuke of the President’s failure to denounce Russia for interfering in the 2016 election, the Senate passed a bipartisan resolution Friday preventing themselves from stopping Trump. “Today, in service to the American people, we set aside our differences and reached across the aisle to send…
Senate Leaders Warn It Too Early To Discuss Trump
WASHINGTON—In response to public outcry over his recent controversial press conference with Russian president Vladimir Putin, Senate leaders cautioned Tuesday that it was far too early to discuss Trump. “We understand that many Americans may not agree with everything the president says, but these calls for the Senate…
Peter Strzok Summoned Before Congress Again For Texts Calling Trey Gowdy ‘A Pissy Little Shithead’
WASHINGTON—Following immediately on the heels of his hearing before the House Judiciary and Oversight committees, FBI agent Peter Strzok was again summoned to testify before Congress Thursday about texts calling Trey Gowdy a “pissy little shithead.” “Now what exactly did you mean when you said Trey Gowdy was a…
Congress Not Sure What It Did To Make Trump Think It Wouldn’t Roll Over For Whatever He Wants In Syria
WASHINGTON—Following President Trump’s decision to launch airstrikes in Syria without seeking approval from Congress, GOP lawmakers reportedly asked what they had ever done to make the commander in chief think they wouldn’t immediately knuckle under and let him bomb whomever he wishes. “Honestly, he ought to know by…
Congress Confused By $500 Million In Trump’s Budget Allocated For ‘Laser Stuff’
WASHINGTON—As they examined the recently released White House budget, U.S. senators and representatives expressed confusion Tuesday about the $500 million that President Trump has proposed the government spend on “laser stuff” in fiscal year 2019. “While I agree with many of the president’s recommendations, like his…
How Republicans Plan To Repeal And Replace Obamacare
Congressional Republicans have repeatedly stated their intention to repeal and replace the Affordable Care Act soon after Donald Trump takes office. The Onion outlines how that process would work.
How Confirmation Hearings Work
On Tuesday, Congress began holding confirmation hearings to evaluate the fitness of President-elect Donald Trump’s cabinet nominees for their offices. Here is a step-by-step guide to the confirmation hearing process.
Congressman Excited To Be Working On Bill With Intern He Has Huge Crush On
WASHINGTON—Saying he got butterflies in his stomach the minute he learned they’d both be involved in drafting the legislation, congressman Jerry Bremner (R-NC) told reporters Tuesday he was excited to be working on a bill with an intern he has a huge crush on. “I’ve liked her for a long time, but I just haven’t had a…
Congress Allocates $500 Million For Development Of Funkier Bass Lines
WASHINGTON—Stating that the measure was essential for holding down the beat and getting people outta their seat, Congress reportedly allocated $500 million Monday for the development of funkier bass lines. “This funding will go a long way toward improving today’s bass lines, which have steadily grown less funky and…
Officials Unveil Plan To Convert Underused Senate Chamber Into Storage Facility
WASHINGTON—Discussing the idea at their monthly operations meeting Tuesday, facilities managers responsible for overseeing the U.S. Capitol and its grounds devised a new plan to repurpose the building’s seldom-used Senate chamber by converting it into a storage room. “It’s been years since people have used that room…
Dianne Feinstein Horrified After New Gun Control Bill Disintegrates Immediately Upon Crossing Into Senate Chamber
WASHINGTON—Staring down in shock at her empty hands where the piece of legislation had been only seconds earlier, Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) was reportedly left horrified Monday after her gun control bill disintegrated immediately upon crossing into the Senate chamber. “I was just walking in from my office holding…
It’s An Honor To Continue Being Valued Over Countless Human Lives
Look, I’m not the type who needs constant validation, and I have never sought preferential treatment from anyone. I just try to focus on doing what I do and not get too caught up in what people think or say about me. But I have to admit, it’s been hard to ignore all the support and appreciation I’ve been receiving…
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