Cobweb-Covered Skeleton Gripping Senate Desk Expected To Seek 15th Term
Congress Not Sure What It Did To Make Trump Think It Wouldn’t Roll Over For Whatever He Wants In Syria
WASHINGTON—Following President Trump’s decision to launch airstrikes in Syria without seeking approval from Congress, GOP lawmakers reportedly asked what they had ever done to make the commander in chief think they wouldn’t immediately knuckle under and let him bomb whomever he wishes. “Honestly, he ought to know by…
Congress Confused By $500 Million In Trump’s Budget Allocated For ‘Laser Stuff’
WASHINGTON—As they examined the recently released White House budget, U.S. senators and representatives expressed confusion Tuesday about the $500 million that President Trump has proposed the government spend on “laser stuff” in fiscal year 2019. “While I agree with many of the president’s recommendations, like his…
How Republicans Plan To Repeal And Replace Obamacare
Congressional Republicans have repeatedly stated their intention to repeal and replace the Affordable Care Act soon after Donald Trump takes office. The Onion outlines how that process would work.
How Confirmation Hearings Work
On Tuesday, Congress began holding confirmation hearings to evaluate the fitness of President-elect Donald Trump’s cabinet nominees for their offices. Here is a step-by-step guide to the confirmation hearing process.
Congressman Excited To Be Working On Bill With Intern He Has Huge Crush On
WASHINGTON—Saying he got butterflies in his stomach the minute he learned they’d both be involved in drafting the legislation, congressman Jerry Bremner (R-NC) told reporters Tuesday he was excited to be working on a bill with an intern he has a huge crush on. “I’ve liked her for a long time, but I just haven’t had a…
Congress Allocates $500 Million For Development Of Funkier Bass Lines
WASHINGTON—Stating that the measure was essential for holding down the beat and getting people outta their seat, Congress reportedly allocated $500 million Monday for the development of funkier bass lines. “This funding will go a long way toward improving today’s bass lines, which have steadily grown less funky and…
Officials Unveil Plan To Convert Underused Senate Chamber Into Storage Facility
WASHINGTON—Discussing the idea at their monthly operations meeting Tuesday, facilities managers responsible for overseeing the U.S. Capitol and its grounds devised a new plan to repurpose the building’s seldom-used Senate chamber by converting it into a storage room. “It’s been years since people have used that room…
Dianne Feinstein Horrified After New Gun Control Bill Disintegrates Immediately Upon Crossing Into Senate Chamber
WASHINGTON—Staring down in shock at her empty hands where the piece of legislation had been only seconds earlier, Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) was reportedly left horrified Monday after her gun control bill disintegrated immediately upon crossing into the Senate chamber. “I was just walking in from my office holding…
It’s An Honor To Continue Being Valued Over Countless Human Lives
Look, I’m not the type who needs constant validation, and I have never sought preferential treatment from anyone. I just try to focus on doing what I do and not get too caught up in what people think or say about me. But I have to admit, it’s been hard to ignore all the support and appreciation I’ve been receiving…
Frustrated Obama Writes Letter To His Congressman About Need For Gun Control
WASHINGTON—Unsure how else to take action after this weekend’s mass shooting in Orlando, FL that left scores dead, a frustrated President Obama spent Monday morning writing a letter to his congressman about the need for tighter gun control laws, sources confirmed. “Representative Rush, the attack in Orlando was a…
At Times Like This, We Need To Pull Ourselves Up, Hold Our Loved Ones Close, Block Any Legislation That Would Prevent Suspected Terrorists From Buying Guns, And Say A Prayer For The Victims
Like the rest of the nation, I was horrified by this weekend’s senseless attack on an Orlando nightclub. Such brutality is unconscionable, but as Americans we need to remain strong in the face of violence and intimidation, and resist giving in to despair. At times like this, we must pull ourselves up, hold our loved…
Concerned NRA Official Rushes Out To Purchase Congressman Following Mass Shooting
WASHINGTON—Admitting he felt “scared and nervous” after the deadliest mass shooting in U.S. history at an Orlando, FL nightclub, NRA executive vice president Wayne LaPierre reportedly rushed out of his home early Monday to buy a congressman. “When I saw what happened in Orlando, I wanted to make sure that I was able…
Senator From Troubled Home State Repeatedly Acting Out In Congress
WASHINGTON—Expressing concern over his increasingly combative behavior and refusal to cooperate with others, sources confirmed this week that Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-AL), who comes from a troubled home state, has been frequently acting out in Congress. “His home state must be a very unhealthy environment, given all the…
Senator Can’t Believe He Has To Come In On A Wednesday
WASHINGTON—Calling the obligation “a total pain in the ass,” Sen. Jerry Moran (R-KS) told reporters at the U.S. Capitol this morning that he couldn’t believe he had to come in on a Wednesday. “This is such a load of bullshit. How can they expect me to show up right in the middle of the week like this?” said the…
Defiant Mitch McConnell Holds Merrick Garland’s Severed Head Aloft In Front Of Capitol Building
‘We Meant What We Said,’ Says Blood-Covered Senate Leader
Horrified Investigators Find Unresponsive Legislative Body In Capitol Building
WASHINGTON—Describing it as one of the most disturbing scenes they have ever been called upon to investigate, horrified officers from the Washington Metropolitan Police Department told reporters Wednesday they had found an unresponsive legislative body in the U.S. Capitol building.
