MILWAUKEE, WI—Concluding that his culinary efforts should “do the trick,” area man Charlie Frye was reportedly just going to assume Wednesday that what he had just done to two cloves of garlic counted as “minced.” “I think I cut it up pretty good—It seems like these pieces are small enough,” said Frye, who had been…

EASTON, PA—Dreading the looks on their faces once they realized the recipe was “truly easy as fuck,” local grandmother Rosemary Guzzo, 79, confirmed Monday that she didn’t have the heart to tell her family that any dipshit can make lasagna. “No, I don’t think I can bring myself to do it. They’d be too crushed to find…

MADISON, WI—Saying the animals would not pause for a second if given the chance, a new study published by the University of Wisconsin on Tuesday found that chickens would have absolutely no qualms about caging and eating humans. “All the evidence clearly suggests that chickens would absolutely stuff human beings into…

MANISTIQUE, MI—Saying it was hard to imagine her Christmastime treats without the ingredient, area woman Geena Wolferman confirmed Monday that 92 percent of her holiday recipes involved pulverizing a bag of Oreos. “My go-to dessert is this chocolate pudding pie with an Oreo crust that absolutely everyone loves,” said…

BENTON HARBOR, MI—Calling the rugged utensil a necessity for those who bake as hard as they live, KitchenAid on Thursday unveiled its new all-terrain rolling pin. “The DuraDough rolling pin features a larger cylinder diameter lined with specialized treads to take on heavy-duty dough prep,” said company spokesperson…

CHICAGO—Saying the desserts had begun to seem increasingly ominous, coworkers of Angela Shankman told reporters Thursday that their initial excitement had shifted to concern after their colleague brought baked goods into the office for the fourth consecutive day. “Don’t get me wrong, I love coming to work to find…

Let your kids know upfront that 7:30 is a soft deadline for dinner.

First, decide on presentation. This versatile cocktail can be served either on the rocks or directly from a belly button.