Jan 14News in Brief1/14/21News in Brief1/14/21Charles Barkley Blasts Today’s Fragile NBA Players Who Can’t Just Play Through Covid Like He DidATLANTA—Following the postponement of multiple games as league officials dealt with the spread of the virus, Hall of…
Jan 13News in Brief1/13/21News in Brief1/13/21Officials Trace Slow Vaccine Rollout To Sweet Old Ladies Holding Up Line With Their ChitchatATLANTA—After conducting a nationwide survey of distribution chains, the Centers for Disease Control confirmed…
Jan 13News In Photos1/13/21News In Photos1/13/21TV Credits Feature Touching Tribute To Those Who Died From Covid Contracted During Production
Jan 12News in Brief1/12/21News in Brief1/12/21Child Weirded Out After Bumping Into Teacher Outside LaptopARTESIA, NM—Still shaken after a surprise encounter with the 37-year-old educator, local first-grader Micah Dunn was…
Jan 6Infographic1/6/21Infographic1/6/21Why The Coronavirus Vaccine Is Being DelayedThe coronavirus vaccine’s rollout is reportedly experiencing delays across the country, with doses of the vaccine…
Jan 5News in Brief1/5/21News in Brief1/5/21CDC Unveils List Of Twitter Accounts You Can Follow To Piece Together Vaccine InformationATLANTA—In an effort to keep the public abreast of the latest developments in the Covid-19 pandemic, CDC director…
Jan 5News in Brief1/5/21News in Brief1/5/21Scientists Attempt To Convince Public To Take Covid More Seriously By Explaining Concept Of DeathNEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—As the 10-month-old pandemic continued its rampant spread and the nation’s death toll passed…
Dec 21Slideshow12/21/20Slideshow12/21/20State-By-State Covid-19 RestrictionsThe Onion provides in-depth coverage of how the coronavirus response is being mismanaged, botched, and fucked up at…
Dec 18News In Photos12/18/20News In Photos12/18/20Robert Kennedy Jr. Offers To Get Autism On Camera To Prove Danger Of Vaccines
Dec 16The Topical12/16/20The Topical12/16/20CDC Announces Children Will Be Last To Receive Covid Vaccine Because What Are Those Little Twerps Going To Do About ItHear why your place in line for a vaccine will definitely be before any of those little peabrains because what’s the…
Dec 15News in Brief12/15/20News in Brief12/15/20CDC Announces Vince Neil Will Be First Member Of Mötley Crüe To Get Covid VaccineATLANTA—After consulting with an interagency panel of top public health experts, the Centers for Disease Control and…
Dec 14News in Brief12/14/20News in Brief12/14/20Lab Assistant Who Accidentally Poked Self While Preparing Syringe Becomes First American To Receive Covid-19 VaccineNEW YORK—In a historic moment that marked the nation’s boldest strike yet against the coronavirus pandemic,…
Dec 11News In Photos12/11/20News In Photos12/11/20Needles Rain From Ceiling Of FDA Headquarters In Celebration Of Vaccine Approval
Dec 11News In Photos12/11/20News In Photos12/11/20Woman Contorts Body To Show Appropriate Contrition For Being Near Person In Store
Dec 10News in Brief12/10/20News in Brief12/10/20CDC Announces Everyone Who Will Receive Vaccine Has Already Been NotifiedWASHINGTON—Thanking the many Americans who showed interest in getting inoculated against Covid-19, the CDC announced…
Dec 10The Topical12/10/20The Topical12/10/20Rising Coronavirus Cases Force Chicago To Set Up Temporary Bars In HospitalsHear why Chicago officials are hopeful they’ll be able to effectively serve all citizens a frothy craft IPA in a…
Dec 10News In Photos12/10/20News In Photos12/10/20Woman Who Took Up Knitting At Start Of Pandemic Still Mindlessly Adding To 250-Mile Scarf
Dec 9News in Brief12/9/20News in Brief12/9/20Health Officials Struggling To Secure Enough Dry Ice, Laser Lights For Special Effects-Heavy Vaccine RolloutWASHINGTON—Urging the public to have patience while scientists put the finishing touches on the final kickass…
Dec 8News in Brief12/8/20News in Brief12/8/20‘I Am Immortal!’ Screams 90-Year-Old British Woman Embarking On Epic Post-Vaccination BenderLONDON—Pounding yet another Guinness while being cheered on by regulars at her neighborhood pub, Marjorie Davies, a…