Defiant Dallas Police Officer Claims Anyone Could Have Mistaken Black Man’s Apartment For Gun

DALLAS—Insisting that every law enforcement official in America would have done the exact same thing if put in her situation, Dallas officer Amber Guyger claimed Monday that anyone could have mistaken a black man’s apartment for a dangerous firearm. “Listen, when your instincts kick in and your adrenaline is pumping,…

Aspiring Felon Moved By Man Who Didn’t Get First 8 Convictions Until His 60s

TOPEKA, KS—Deeply inspired by the senior citizen’s refusal to conform to society’s rigid and closed-minded expectations, aspiring felon Matthias Winnow said Wednesday how moved he was that lawyer and lobbyist Paul Manafort, 69, didn’t get his first eight convictions until his late 60s. “Wow. Just wow. I thought my…

GOP Quick To Point Out That Michael Cohen Was Merely RNC’s Deputy Finance Chairman

WASHINGTON—Explaining the position was essentially a minor role, the GOP quickly pointed out Wednesday that Michael Cohen was merely the Republican National Committee’s deputy finance chairman. “Look, at the end of the day, all Michael Cohen did was help oversee the finances for one of the two major American political…

Mueller Immediately Regrets Coercing Michael Cohen To Flip On Trump After Having To Spend Time With Him

WASHINGTON—Admitting that it was probably the worst mistake he has made since starting the investigation, Special Counsel Robert Mueller told reporters Wednesday that he immediately regretted coercing Michael Cohen to flip on the president after having to spend time with him. “At first, I thought that getting Cohen to…

Rick Gates Fondly Recalls Manafort Finding Him As Hapless Street Urchin And Teaching Him How To Pickpocket

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Speaking to a packed courtroom during his second day of testimony in the fraud trial for his former boss, Rick Gates fondly recalled Tuesday when Paul Manafort found him as a hapless street urchin and taught him how to pickpocket. “I was just a pauper sleeping on the streets of D.C. when I was…

Backpedaling Trump Claims Eldest Son Would Probably Be Fine Doing 5 To 10 Years In Prison

WASHINGTON—In a stark reversal of past statements on the Trump Tower meeting, President Trump acknowledged Monday that he believed his eldest son would most likely be fine doing five to 10 years in a federal prison. “Despite reports that I’m concerned about my wonderful son being sent to jail, I actually think there…