WILMINGTON, DE—Explaining that some time away from relationships was exactly what she needed right now, local woman Jill Witmer, 32, took a break from dating Thursday to focus on everything about herself no one could ever love. “I think stepping away from the dating scene gives me the chance to really concentrate on…
NEW YORK—In recently released photographs that sent shockwaves through the community, sources confirmed Tuesday that local body positivity advocate Heidi Gustason was caught in an illicit tryst with a conventionally attractive lover. “He has beautiful, dark eyes, a strong jaw, and symmetrical features—how could she,”…
SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Unable to help themselves from eavesdropping on the interaction going on in the romantic corner behind them, diners at the Boca Bistro told reporters Monday that the couple fucking at the next table was obviously on their third date. “From the number of excuse-me’s and little exclamations of…
BEL AIR, CA—After accidentally glimpsing a manila folder labeled “Alpha Design Grimes” while alone in the home office of her boyfriend, Elon Musk, 30-year-old musician Grimes reportedly stumbled Wednesday upon an $18 billion plan for a cutting-edge, completely reinvented Grimes. “What the hell is ‘a truly…
DENVER, CO—Insisting the turmoil didn’t need to stop just because the relationship had ended, local man Alex Ware was reportedly hopeful Monday that he and his ex-girlfriend could still be terrible, incompatible friends. “I understand that we’re a bad match romantically, but after everything we’ve been through, I…
COLUMBUS, OH—Contemplating her romantic future while staring deep into the eyes of her dining companion, area woman Emily Hopkins reportedly spent the duration of her date Friday wondering if this would be the one she’ll mace. “Call me silly, but like any woman on a first date, I can’t help wondering if he might be…
WASHINGTON—Heartbroken over the resignation of boyfriend Rob Porter from the Trump administration following reports that the now-former White House staff secretary had physically and emotionally abused his ex-wives, White House Communications Director Hope Hicks told reporters Friday she wished only to find one nice…
DALLAS—Confirming that the woman he has been dating since last year is “the whole package,” local man Tim Gurtz told reporters Monday his absolutely perfect girlfriend, Sasha Klein, blames herself for everything. “We get along so well we hardly ever fight, but when we do, she immediately backs down, says it’s all her…
NORWICH, CT—Saying he might very well be the one, area woman Bethany Han told reporters Friday that she could imagine spending her whole life in uncomfortable silence with the man she was currently on a first date with. “I know we just met, but there’s something about Bill that makes me feel like I could awkwardly sit…
BALTIMORE—Examining the various ways humans exhibit deep affection for one another, a new study published Monday by sociologists at Johns Hopkins University determined that controlling, possessive behavior was by far the most pure expression of love. “Our research found that people who demand to know and approve of…
CHICAGO—Startled at how their festering resentment all but vanished, local couple Steve Ewer and Heather Larson, who sources said were on the verge of breaking up Thursday, had a mind-blowing visit to Shedd Aquarium. “It’s seemed for a while now like any day we were going to reach our breaking point, but then we got…
SCOTTSBLUFF, NE—Saying they could now fully explore their hypothesis that you deserve way better, scientists at the corner table of Marty’s Pub received a four-beer grant Thursday to complete their analysis on why he’s not good enough for you. According to the researchers, the much-needed infusion of alcohol will…
PITTSBURGH—Saying that millions of couples owe their relationships to the unforgettable chance encounter, a report published Wednesday by the University Of Pittsburgh found that 42 percent of romantic partnerships begin with someone leaning over their apartment balcony to discover the beautiful woman who just moved in…
WESTFORD, MA—Admitting that she couldn’t fully describe the enigmatic allure that drew her to him, local woman Laura Saracen told reporters Wednesday there was just something dark and intriguing about 34-year-old Tyler Evans, a man with a serious personality disorder. “I can’t quite put my finger on it, but from the…
WILDER, KY—Distraught over being separated from his comforting, scaly touch, area woman Anika Mitkin told reporters Saturday that she longed for the caress of her boyfriend’s dry, cracked, bleeding hands. “Oh, how I ache for those papery, peeling hands to lovingly graze my cheek,” said Mitkin, pining for the moment…
SAN DIEGO—Insisting you’ll never be truly happy until you found the superior partner you’re more than entitled to, a little voice in the back of your mind reported Tuesday that you deserve much better than the person you’re dating. “Why is someone like you settling for someone like this?” said the nagging voice,…
PALO ALTO, CA—Utilizing personal contact information to create a uniquely demeaning interactive experience, a new app unveiled Friday reportedly sends dating profiles straight to friends and coworkers to mock without ever connecting users to each other. “We are proud to debut Humiliatr, a one-of-a-kind dating app that…
ATLANTA—Zeroing in with laser focus on the far side of the apartment, area woman Jess Macindoe placed the wall behind her boyfriend’s couch squarely in her crosshairs, sources confirmed Friday. Macindoe, whose pupils reportedly dilated at the unadorned white space as she prepared to act, sized up the wall’s entire 8…
PITTSBURGH—Saying that no characteristic was a better predictor of success in relationships, a new study released by Carnegie Mellon University’s Department of Psychology on Thursday concluded that not acting like a total fucking moron is the most attractive quality one can find in a potential mate. “Our findings…
LAYTON, UT—Certain it was all that was holding her back from finding the man of her dreams, area mom Janet Kessler told reporters Thursday that she was convinced her 30-year-old daughter Meredith would be married by now if she just brushed her hair more. “You know, if you just took a few extra minutes in the morning…
