Woman On First Date Feels Like She Could Spend Whole Life In Uncomfortable Silence With This Man

NORWICH, CT—Saying he might very well be the one, area woman Bethany Han told reporters Friday that she could imagine spending her whole life in uncomfortable silence with the man she was currently on a first date with. “I know we just met, but there’s something about Bill that makes me feel like I could awkwardly sit…

Bar Table Scientists Awarded 4-Beer Grant To Complete Analysis On Why He’s Not Good Enough For You

SCOTTSBLUFF, NE—Saying they could now fully explore their hypothesis that you deserve way better, scientists at the corner table of Marty’s Pub received a four-beer grant Thursday to complete their analysis on why he’s not good enough for you. According to the researchers, the much-needed infusion of alcohol will…

Report: 42% Of Relationships Begin With Leaning Over Apartment Balcony To See Beautiful New Neighbor Watering Zinnias Below

PITTSBURGH—Saying that millions of couples owe their relationships to the unforgettable chance encounter, a report published Wednesday by the University Of Pittsburgh found that 42 percent of romantic partnerships begin with someone leaning over their apartment balcony to discover the beautiful woman who just moved in…

New App Sends Dating Profile Straight To Friends, Coworkers To Laugh At Without Ever Connecting Users To Each Other

PALO ALTO, CA—Utilizing personal contact information to create a uniquely demeaning interactive experience, a new app unveiled Friday reportedly sends dating profiles straight to friends and coworkers to mock without ever connecting users to each other. “We are proud to debut Humiliatr, a one-of-a-kind dating app that…