EAST STROUDSBURG, PA—Intuiting that the close placement of the two objects was most likely not coincidental, funeral attendee Bryan Abboud made the assumption Friday that the man depicted in a portrait next to the coffin was more than likely the deceased. “Unless I’m missing something here, that’s got to be the dead…

ATLANTA—Confirming your long-held suspicions with a 15-year observational study on the effects of behavior on human aging, researchers from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention revealed Wednesday that all of the world’s absolute worst people would almost certainly outlive you. “We can now conclusively say…

The recent announcement that footage of late actor Carrie Fisher in the upcoming Star Wars film has reignited debate about the ethics of using unused images or reconstructed footage of deceased entertainers in movies, television, and commercials, something that is only likely to increase as imaging techniques improve. …

CHATHAM, MO—Concluding their investigation into the cop who fatally shot an unarmed black man during a September 2017 traffic stop, the Chatham Police Department announced Tuesday that Officer William Feldman would be let off with a promotion. “After a thorough examination of all the evidence, we’ve concluded that the…

ROCHESTER, NY—After losing a three-year battle with prostate cancer during which he only sporadically masturbated to prurient images, beloved father and infrequent pornography user Larry Gates passed away Monday, surrounded by his loving family in the home where he kept one or two old Playboys which, when in better…

OAK PARK, IL—Noting the chill that ran down her spine at the thought of what ghastly fate may have befallen the previous occupant, hospital guest Rosie Scholl found it impossible to shake the creepy feeling that someone might have died in her room. “I don’t know, there’s just this vibe, like something really bad went…

KATHMANDU, NEPAL—Confirming the worst fears of friends and family, authorities announced Thursday that a Himalayan goat that went missing 10 days ago on the treacherous southwest face of Mount Everest has died following a failed ascent. “At approximately 8:30 a.m. this morning, a group of Canadian climbers discovered…

HAMDEN, CT—Pollsters from the Quinnipiac University Polling Institute reportedly informed former president George H.W. Bush on Wednesday that dying so soon after the passing of his wife, Barbara, would dramatically boost his favorability rating with the American public. “According to our data, perishing on the same…

JERUSALEM—Wiping away a tear as he confirmed the public’s worst fears, Israel prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu officially declared a nationwide day of mourning Tuesday for a section of security fence damaged in yesterday’s conflict at the Gaza border. “We must all come together and take the time to grieve for this…

BASEL, SWITZERLAND—Bedecked in a red cape and leather jumpsuit as he began shimmying into the muzzle of the artillery weapon, assisted suicide advocate David Goodall told reporters Thursday that he looked forward to ending his life before being shot out of a cannon at a brick wall. “At my age, and even earlier than my…

COLLEGE STATION, TX—According to a new poll released Monday by researchers at Texas A&M University, the death of a spouse is often the most liberating and personally fulfilling event of one’s life. “Despite the common notion that a loved one’s passing is a heartbreaking or debilitating experience, we found the…