Grandmother Really Starting To Get The Hang Of Dying
HAVERHILL, MA—Expressing happiness that their matriarch had finally “gotten into the swing of things,” the family of…
Karl Lagerfeld Horrified By Uninspired, Garish Tunnel Of Light Coming Toward Him
THE HEAVENS—Saying the scene lacked any true imaginative impulse or sense of playfulness, late fashion designer Karl…
Authorities Swiftly Announce 1,600 Washington Dairy Cows Found Mutilated, Arranged In Pentagram Killed By Blizzard
SUNNYSIDE, WA—Asserting that the matter was a simple weather-related livestock incident requiring no particular…
City Of Boston Erects New Plaque Commemorating Spot Where Ben Affleck Will Die
BOSTON—With hundreds gathered in the street upon which the actor and filmmaker will collapse and never recover on a…
7 Total Randos Found Dead
SEATTLE—Revealing that the victims’ deaths had come, like, completely out of nowhere, authorities confirmed Monday that…
Man’s Wife Dies Of Cancer Just Like In The Movies
HUDSON, NY—Expressing shock to find himself in a situation from the silver screen, local man Kevin Perry revealed…
Dick Cheney Finally Hunts Down, Kills Man He Shot In Face In 2006
MCLEAN, VA—Nearly 13 years after shooting the prominent Texas attorney and political donor in the face, former Vice…
Mortician Always Keeps Hammer At Tableside Just In Case One Comes Back To Life
PUTNEY, VT—Claiming past experiences taught him to be prepared for sudden displays of vitality, mortician Radiston…
Orrin Hatch Delivers Farewell Address From Coffin Descending Into Plot Dug In Middle Of Senate Floor
WASHINGTON—Marking the end of the longest tenure of any Republican senator in U.S. history, Orrin Hatch (R-UT)…
‘No, Take Jeb Instead,’ Screams George W. Bush While Shoving Brother Into Father’s Grave
COLLEGE STATION, TX—Having evidently entered the “bargaining” phase of grief in the wake of George H.W. Bush’s death,…
Incredibly Popular George H.W. Bush Funeral Gets Extended 2-Week Run
WASHINGTON—Declaring that the mourning period for the recently deceased 41st president was “just getting started,” a…
George H.W. Bush’s Casket Completes Log Flume Journey To U.S. Capitol
WASHINGTON—In preparation for the 41st president’s funeral later this week, George H.W. Bush’s casket completed its…
Mother Feels A Little Validated After Daughter Who Stayed Out Late Gets Murdered
AVONDALE, OH—Confessing that her grief was somewhat moderated by seeing events play out exactly as she had warned,…
Widow Still Can’t Bring Herself To Get Rid Of Husband’s Corpse
ST. LOUIS, MO—Stressing the difficulty of moving forward in a particularly trying stage of the mourning process, local…
Original Voice Of NBA Buzzer Passes Away
SCOTTSDALE, AZ—After a lifetime spent defining the sound of basketball in America, Roman Sullivan, the original voice…