SUNNYSIDE, WA—Asserting that the matter was a simple weather-related livestock incident requiring no particular…

BOSTON—With hundreds gathered in the street upon which the actor and filmmaker will collapse and never recover on a…

SEATTLE—Revealing that the victims’ deaths had come, like, completely out of nowhere, authorities confirmed Monday that…

HUDSON, NY—Expressing shock to find himself in a situation from the silver screen, local man Kevin Perry revealed…

MCLEAN, VA—Nearly 13 years after shooting the prominent Texas attorney and political donor in the face, former Vice…

PUTNEY, VT—Claiming past experiences taught him to be prepared for sudden displays of vitality, mortician Radiston…

WASHINGTON—Marking the end of the longest tenure of any Republican senator in U.S. history, Orrin Hatch (R-UT)…

COLLEGE STATION, TX—Having evidently entered the “bargaining” phase of grief in the wake of George H.W. Bush’s death,…

WASHINGTON—Declaring that the mourning period for the recently deceased 41st president was “just getting started,” a…

WASHINGTON—In preparation for the 41st president’s funeral later this week, George H.W. Bush’s casket completed its…

AVONDALE, OH—Confessing that her grief was somewhat moderated by seeing events play out exactly as she had warned,…

ST. LOUIS, MO—Stressing the difficulty of moving forward in a particularly trying stage of the mourning process, local…

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—After a lifetime spent defining the sound of basketball in America, Roman Sullivan, the original voice…