Freezing Woman Dining Outside Desperately Clutching Cloth Napkin For Warmth
Man Silently Eating Personal Pan Pizza Alone In Corner Of Airport Unaware This Will Be Best Part Of 7-Day Vacation
INDIANAPOLIS—Quietly chewing on a piece of crust as he waited for his connecting flight to arrive, local man Brett Harding silently ate a personal pizza alone in a corner at the Indianapolis International Airport Wednesday, all while having no idea that it would be the best part of his upcoming seven-day vacation.…
Napkinless Man With Grease-Covered Fingers Realizes He Trapped In A Prison Of His Own Creation
FLORENCE, SC—Lamenting his lack of foresight and preparation in choosing to have a full order of barbecued chicken wings without a proper supply of wiping materials, diner Eddie Schubert, 32, sat napkinless at his kitchen table Tuesday, staring in dismay at his grease-covered fingers while realizing he had trapped…
Conversation At Other End Of Table Sounds Way More Interesting
TUSTIN, CA—According to sources nodding along to a coworker’s story about vacation home rentals, the conversation happening between strangers at the other end of the communal table at the Ocean Walk Café sounds way more interesting. “I can’t tell exactly what they’re talking about, but just listen to them—they’re…
Long John Silver’s Customer Finds Deep-Fried Poseidon Head In Value Meal
CINCINNATI—Causing a wave of disgust and outrage among his fellow diners, local man Tobin Sullivan said Friday that, to his horrified surprise, he had found the deep-fried head of Poseidon, the Greek god of the sea, in his $8.99 Two Fish And Six Shrimp Combo Platter. “I was eating my fish when I noticed what looked…
Johnny Rockets Customer Terrified After Evidently Falling Through Wormhole Into 1950s
SANTA MONICA, CA—Alarmed by the red vinyl seats, chrome accents, and no-frills dining options that suggested he’d been hurled backwards in time, Johnny Rockets customer Jason Levick was reportedly terrified Wednesday after evidently falling through a wormhole into the 1950s. “I just opened the door to a restaurant in…
5-Year-Old Explorer Makes Contact With Life-Forms In Adjacent Booth
MERIDIAN, ID—Approaching the mysterious beings with a sense of curiosity and wonder, 5-year-old explorer Olivia Reynolds reportedly made contact Wednesday with two unknown life-forms in an adjacent booth at a local diner. According to witnesses, the harrowing journey began when the intrepid Reynolds stood up on her…
Frustrated Dad At Restaurant Just Wants A Normal Burger
SANTA FE, NM—Stressing that he did not need “a ton of fancy toppings,” local dad Dennis Metzger reportedly expressed frustration to his dining companions at the Boxcar Bar and Grill Wednesday, explaining that he just wanted to order a normal burger. “Is putting a regular, ordinary burger on the menu too much to ask?”…
Outback Employees Return From Mandatory 6-Month Walkabout In Australian Wilderness
NULLARBOR PLAIN, AUSTRALIA—Having completed the ritualistic journey from inexperienced trainees to enlightened servers, hostesses, and line cooks, employees at Outback Steakhouse reportedly returned from their mandatory six-month walkabout in the Australian wilderness Thursday. “This rite of passage, in which…
Red Lobster Criticized For Decimating Biscuit Populations Along Cheddar Bay
CHEDDAR BAY, ME—Warning that local stocks had been depleted to dangerous levels, environmentalists criticized Red Lobster on Wednesday for its part in decimating biscuit populations along Cheddar Bay. “It’s no coincidence that the biscuit population has dropped an alarming 84 percent since Red Lobster was founded in…
Report: 17 New Species Of Bacteria Found Every Day In World’s Rainforest Cafés
NASHVILLE, TN—A new report published Friday by researchers at Vanderbilt University revealed that 17 new species of bacteria are discovered every day during expeditions into the lush plastic foliage of the world’s Rainforest Cafés. “During our study, our researchers identified and classified more than 12,000…
Dining Out Vs. Home Cooking
Although cooking at home has long been considered the most practical option, Americans are increasingly choosing to dine out for the sake of convenience. Here is a side-by-side comparison of dining out versus cooking at home.
‘Flatbread Means Pizza,’ Man Explains To Visiting Father
BROOKLYN, NY—Assuring him that the food wasn’t any different than what he was used to, 26-year-old Brendan Aaker reportedly explained that “flatbread means pizza” to his visiting father while dining at a neighborhood restaurant on Thursday. “The crust is a little thinner than regular pizza, but it’s the same thing,”…
Local Restaurant Makes Foolhardy Attempt At Second Location
CINCINNATI—Stunning observers with the reckless and arrogant overextension of their modest business, local restaurant Angelo’s Pizzeria was making a foolhardy attempt at a second location, sources reported Monday. “This shocking hubris will be their undoing,” said one source with knowledge of the situation,…
Addition Of Ketchup Factored Into Calculation Of French Fry’s Final Temperature
GOODING, ID—In an effort to more accurately assess how hot the food item would be once he began eating it, local man Barney Randolph on Friday reportedly factored the addition of ketchup into his calculation of a french fry’s final temperature. According to sources, Randolph first roughly approximated the heat level…
Dave & Buster’s Opens New Fine Dining, Gaming Outpost David & Benedict’s
DALLAS—In a bold move marking its first foray into the luxury market, restaurant and video arcade chain Dave & Buster’s announced Thursday the opening of David & Benedict’s, a new fine dining and gaming outpost in the Napa Valley region of Northern California.
