WASHINGTON—In a stark reversal of earlier immigration policy, President Donald Trump announced Tuesday that his administration was increasing the number of asylum seekers allowed to enter the United States’ spike-filled refugee compactor. “We feel strongly that 15 million people fleeing abuses in their own countries…

WASHINGTON—Explaining that the president was minimizing the contributions of his predecessor while making hyperbolic claims about his administration’s own input, experts reportedly criticized President Trump Tuesday for unfairly claiming credit for the rise in economic inequality that occurred under President Obama’s…

WASHINGTON—Expressing his gratitude that the president was a big enough dipshit to be this easily placated, White House Chief of Staff John Kelly was reportedly relieved Wednesday that Donald Trump was so fucking stupid that he believed Bob Woodward had fabricated disparaging quotes from staffers in his upcoming book, …

WASHINGTON—Offering an overview of Americans’ opinions of the commander in chief’s job performance, a new poll released Friday indicated that President Trump’s disapproval rating had reached an all-time none of this matters. The report, released by who really cares which of the utterly useless polling firms and…

WASHINGTON—Following the release of official reports that attributed 2,975 deaths to the 2017 storm instead of the previous estimate of 64, President Donald Trump announced Wednesday that he was revoking a significant amount of funding devoted to Puerto Rico after learning that Hurricane Maria had way fewer survivors.…

WASHINGTON—Controversy surrounding whether the commander in chief was properly honoring recently deceased Senator John McCain increased Tuesday after reports indicated that the White House flag was now being moved up or down on its staff minute to minute to indicate President Donald Trump’s current mood. “It’s no…

President Trump is apparently moving forward on his controversial proposal to create a space force as the sixth branch of the U.S. military, with members of his administration beginning to discuss how it would function. The Onion takes a look at the pros and cons of developing a space force.

WASHINGTON—In a dazzling display of superior intellect and penetrating insight, ingenious political analyst Mark Morelli pointed out Monday the irony of Melania Trump speaking out against cyberbullying when her husband is U.S. President Donald Trump. “Wow, it is so hypocritical of the first lady to criticize…

WASHINGTON—Warning that the group was secretly planning to affect the outcome of the November elections, President Donald Trump accused voters Monday of meddling in the upcoming midterms. “It’s clear that the disgusting and disgraceful voters are going to try to influence the midterms—the voters must be stopped!” said…

WASHINGTON—Growing increasingly flustered while impotently pounding on the front door and pleading to come inside, President Trump was reportedly locked out of the White House Thursday after accidentally revoking his own security clearance. “C’mon, just open the door, guys! I didn’t mean to strip myself of access to…

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Recounting the unexpected difficulties the future president’s brief cameo brought to his film shoot, Home Alone 2: Lost In New York director Chris Columbus admitted Wednesday that he has hours of outtakes featuring Donald Trump uttering racial slurs. “We thought it would be a fun little 30-second…

WASHINGTON—In a stark reversal of past statements on the Trump Tower meeting, President Trump acknowledged Monday that he believed his eldest son would most likely be fine doing five to 10 years in a federal prison. “Despite reports that I’m concerned about my wonderful son being sent to jail, I actually think there…

WASHINGTON—Citing the potential dangers of continued White House attacks on media outlets, New York Times publisher A.G. Sulzberger revealed Sunday that he asked President Trump to decrease his anti-media rhetoric during their July 20 meeting, excepting those made against “those fuckers at The Washington Post.” “We…