ICE Agents Feeling A Little Hurt That Trump Doesn’t Think They’re Doing Enough To Terrorize Hispanics

FLORENCE, AZ—Saying they’d like to see the National Guard try to do a better job, thousands of U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents told reporters Thursday that it kind of hurts their feelings to know President Trump doesn’t think they’re doing enough to terrorize Hispanic people. “He must not understand…

Grumblethor The Mischievous Pleased With Mayhem His Magical Antics Have Wrought Upon White House–FBI Relations

THE REALM OF MISDOING—Cackling with glee while observing the turmoil brought about by his consternating ways, enchanted goblin Grumblethor the Mischievous—creator of the world’s chaos and confusion—revealed Wednesday that he is pleased with the mayhem his magical antics have wrought upon White House–FBI relations.…

Subpoenaed Trump Organization Financial Documents Reveal Company’s Only Holding Is Single Dairy Queen In New Jersey

NEW YORK—Saying they are beginning to perceive the full scope of the secretive business dealings, investigators working for special counsel Robert Mueller announced Friday that subpoenaed Trump Organization financial records show the company’s only discrete holding is a Dairy Queen franchise in West Milford, NJ. “We…

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Trump Insists He Never Thought About Firing Mueller, Feeding Him To Pack Of Rabid Dogs, Mounting Head In Oval Office As Trophy

DAVOS—Maintaining that the notion didn’t even cross his mind, President Trump reportedly insisted Friday that he never once thought about firing Robert Mueller, feeding him to a pack of rabid dogs, and mounting his head in the Oval Office as a trophy. “At no point did I ever consider firing Mr. Mueller, tossing his…