Sweating, Shaking Pharmaceutical CEO Says He Can Stop Profiting Off Opioid Epidemic Anytime He Wants

PHILADELPHIA—Visibly trembling as he wiped beads of perspiration from his forehead, Arcelis Pharmaceuticals CEO Paul Corrier told reporters Wednesday that he could stop profiting off the nation’s opioid crisis anytime he wants. “Getting these lethally addictive drugs into the hands of vulnerable communities across the…

Stoned Extraterrestrial Stumbles Across Hidden Message After Listening To Golden Record Backwards

GAMMA CEPHEI STAR SYSTEM—Taking long hits of euphoria plasma from his electro-collider bong, stoned extraterrestrial Zogart 21X Flaxum stumbled across a hidden message Friday after listening to the Voyager 1 probe’s Golden Record backwards. “What the fuck,” said Flaxum, telling his fellow Zorlarts to come “check this…