HEAVEN—Expressing His regret over the damage wrought by the divine substance, Supreme Being and Creator of All Things God admitted Wednesday that He could probably have devised a better way to give humans a taste of heavenly bliss than opioids. “I just wanted man to have a preview of how awesome the afterlife will…
NEW YORK—Calling the atmosphere on the sidewalk across the street “positively electric,” sources confirmed Thursday that the local methadone clinic must be having some sort of big party. “Man, it’s only 3 p.m. and there’s already a line around the block,” said Bruce Riley, 32, adding that the party must have been…
KENILWORTH, NJ—In a move characteristic of the pharmaceutical industry’s traditional price-structuring methods, Merck CEO Kenneth C. Frazier tantalized Americans dependent on prescriptions Friday by announcing a price reduction on life-saving drugs, setting the new prices at the point where they are just out of reach…
CADOTT, WI—Passing utterly undetected through a complex cordon of bag checks, signage specifically prohibiting drug use, and three-second upper-body pat-downs by bored part-time security personnel, modern-day Pablo Escobar and mid-level systems analyst Patrick Quaid successfully smuggled a one-hitter containing 0.2…
WASHINGTON—Following months of bruising criticism from Democrats and President Trump alike, an inconsolable Jeff Sessions was reportedly trying to commit suicide Thursday by smoking a joint. “I swore I’d never take the coward’s way out, but what choice do I have?” said a teary-eyed Sessions, carefully laying a sealed…
RICHMOND, VA—Acknowledging that he was starting to experience a few paranoid hallucinations, local teen Josh Mashburn reportedly thought Thursday that the involuntary convulsions and profuse bleeding from his eyes and nose were signs that the synthetic weed was finally kicking in. “At first, I thought the stuff might…
ATLANTA—As part of its ongoing campaign to combat the epidemic, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention rolled out a new fleet of Narcan-equipped biplanes Monday to fumigate opioid-ravaged small towns nationwide. “It’s become obvious that half measures will not remedy this crisis, so the next step is for CDC…
SILVER SPRING, MD—Following months of research into the psychedelic compound’s effects, the Food and Drug Administration confirmed Thursday that psilocybin could significantly reduce the risk of mindlessly following society’s rules like a fucking lemming. “After numerous clinical trials, we can state with a high…
Amazing Hair-Raising Tonic Treats Aches, Ailments, And All Manners Of Female Complaints, Reveal Dazzlingly Attired Scientists
TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.
STAMFORD, CT—Caught off-guard by the shocking nationwide marketing blitz, anti-drug advocates roundly criticized Purdue Pharmaceuticals, the maker of OxyContin, for its massive new “It Gets You High” campaign. “We’re in the midst of an unprecedented opioid crisis in this country—is it really helpful to have thousands…
THE HEAVENS—Having inhaled nearly every molecule of the thick green atmosphere, God, Our Heavenly Father, announced Monday that He was totally fucked up after huffing a gaseous planet. “Whoa, mama—what the hell was in that thing?” the Lord said, stumbling backwards into the planet’s moons and coughing violently after…
ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.
PHILADELPHIA—Visibly trembling as he wiped beads of perspiration from his forehead, Arcelis Pharmaceuticals CEO Paul Corrier told reporters Wednesday that he could stop profiting off the nation’s opioid crisis anytime he wants. “Getting these lethally addictive drugs into the hands of vulnerable communities across the…
