Rejection From Hall Of Fame Sends Roger Clemens Spiraling Into Performance-Enhancing-Drug Binge
HOUSTON—Furious after once more failing to receive enough votes for induction into the National Baseball Hall of Fame,…
Viagra Announces Real Medicine That Gave Customers Erections Was Confidence All Along
NEW YORK—In a surprise announcement Tuesday, pharmaceutical giant Pfizer revealed that the blockbuster drug Viagra…
Jonesing Nation Demands Trump Tell Them Where, Exactly, Drugs Are Pouring Into Country
WASHINGTON—Sweating profusely, scratching anxiously at their arms, and sniffing loudly while glancing around and…
Surgeon General Confirms A Bit Of Blow Here And There Won’t Kill Ya
WASHINGTON—In a statement marking a reversal of opinion on a previously maligned narcotic stimulant, United States…
Nonprofit Places Burnouts In Jobs You Can Do Blitzed Out Of Your Mind
SANTA FE, NM—In an effort to provide habitually drug-addled community members with more and better legal opportunities…
Susan G. Komen President Achieves Total Breast Cancer Awareness During 3-Day Ayahuasca Retreat
UCAYALI REGION, PERU—Entering an altered state of consciousness after sipping from a sacred bowl containing the…
God Admits There Was Probably A Better Way Of Giving Humans Taste Of Heavenly Bliss Than Opioids
HEAVEN—Expressing His regret over the damage wrought by the divine substance, Supreme Being and Creator of All Things…
Methadone Clinic Must Be Having Some Sort Of Big Party
NEW YORK—Calling the atmosphere on the sidewalk across the street “positively electric,” sources confirmed Thursday…
Merck CEO Taunts Patients By Lowering Drug Prices Until Just Out Of Their Reach
KENILWORTH, NJ—In a move characteristic of the pharmaceutical industry’s traditional price-structuring methods, Merck…
Report: Modern-Day Pablo Escobar Smuggles One-Hitter Into Music Festival
CADOTT, WI—Passing utterly undetected through a complex cordon of bag checks, signage specifically prohibiting drug…
Inconsolable Jeff Sessions Tries To Commit Suicide By Smoking Joint
WASHINGTON—Following months of bruising criticism from Democrats and President Trump alike, an inconsolable Jeff…
Convulsing Teen Bleeding From Eyes, Nose Thinks He Can Feel The Synthetic Weed Kicking In
RICHMOND, VA—Acknowledging that he was starting to experience a few paranoid hallucinations, local teen Josh Mashburn…
CDC Rolls Out Fleet Of Narcan Biplanes To Fumigate Opioid-Ravaged Small Towns
ATLANTA—As part of its ongoing campaign to combat the epidemic, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention rolled…
FDA Confirms Psilocybin Reduces Risk Of Mindlessly Following Society’s Rules Like Fucking Lemming
SILVER SPRING, MD—Following months of research into the psychedelic compound’s effects, the Food and Drug…