RICHMOND, VA—Acknowledging that he was starting to experience a few paranoid hallucinations, local teen Josh Mashburn reportedly thought Thursday that the involuntary convulsions and profuse bleeding from his eyes and nose were signs that the synthetic weed was finally kicking in. “At first, I thought the stuff might…
ATLANTA—As part of its ongoing campaign to combat the epidemic, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention rolled out a new fleet of Narcan-equipped biplanes Monday to fumigate opioid-ravaged small towns nationwide. “It’s become obvious that half measures will not remedy this crisis, so the next step is for CDC…
SILVER SPRING, MD—Following months of research into the psychedelic compound’s effects, the Food and Drug Administration confirmed Thursday that psilocybin could significantly reduce the risk of mindlessly following society’s rules like a fucking lemming. “After numerous clinical trials, we can state with a high…
Amazing Hair-Raising Tonic Treats Aches, Ailments, And All Manners Of Female Complaints, Reveal Dazzlingly Attired Scientists
TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.
STAMFORD, CT—Caught off-guard by the shocking nationwide marketing blitz, anti-drug advocates roundly criticized Purdue Pharmaceuticals, the maker of OxyContin, for its massive new “It Gets You High” campaign. “We’re in the midst of an unprecedented opioid crisis in this country—is it really helpful to have thousands…
THE HEAVENS—Having inhaled nearly every molecule of the thick green atmosphere, God, Our Heavenly Father, announced Monday that He was totally fucked up after huffing a gaseous planet. “Whoa, mama—what the hell was in that thing?” the Lord said, stumbling backwards into the planet’s moons and coughing violently after…
ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.
PHILADELPHIA—Visibly trembling as he wiped beads of perspiration from his forehead, Arcelis Pharmaceuticals CEO Paul Corrier told reporters Wednesday that he could stop profiting off the nation’s opioid crisis anytime he wants. “Getting these lethally addictive drugs into the hands of vulnerable communities across the…
GAMMA CEPHEI STAR SYSTEM—Taking long hits of euphoria plasma from his electro-collider bong, stoned extraterrestrial Zogart 21X Flaxum stumbled across a hidden message Friday after listening to the Voyager 1 probe’s Golden Record backwards. “What the fuck,” said Flaxum, telling his fellow Zorlarts to come “check this…
THE HEAVENS—Following a wave of high-profile angelic overdoses, the Lord, Our Heavenly Father, announced on Monday a massive crackdown on drugs being smuggled into heaven, purportedly by entering souls. “We’re not entirely certain how this garbage is getting in here, but we’re going to find out and put a stop to it,”…
WASHINGTON—Seeking to open his mind to new possibilities for overhauling the U.S. healthcare system, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) reportedly witnessed an infinite number of replacement plans Wednesday after dropping acid to inspire ideas for an Obamacare alternative.
AMARILLO, TX—Stating that the pivotal new evidence has helped them get significantly closer to zeroing in on a suspect, the Amarillo Police Department announced Wednesday that they have finally made a breakthrough in a decades-old marijuana possession cold case. “Despite multiple interrogations and stakeouts, the…
WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of their respective ballot measures before casting their votes, citizens in five states are set to decide tomorrow whether to legalize recreational marijuana or continue honoring God, sources confirmed Monday. “Constituents in California, Maine, Massachusetts, Arizona,…
