WASHINGTON—Citing leading economic indicators for its robust forecast of the nation’s fiscal climate, a new report released Tuesday by the U.S. Bureau of Economic Analysis found that the prevailing financial expansion will only continue and the economy will be invincible forever this time. “All available data tell us…
The World Economic Forum, held every year in Davos, Switzerland, brings together hundreds of the planet’s most powerful political leaders, economists, and thinkers to discuss pressing world issues. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the WEF’s 47-year history.
BOULDER, CO—Suggesting a robust connection between success and ruin, a University of Colorado study released Tuesday found that having it all was a leading indicator that everything will come crashing down. “Our research has determined with a high level of certainty that making it to the top is the most reliable…
NEW YORK—Citing the limited household budgets of many young married couples, a new report published Friday estimates that more Americans than ever this Christmas will be forced to sell a gold watch inherited from their father in order to buy a set of fine combs for their wife’s beautiful hair. “Wages have remained…
NEW YORK—Saying it may account for the precipitous drop in the digital currency, financial experts on Friday told reporters that the recent plunge in bitcoin value could reveal vulnerabilities in crazy imaginary internet money. “This should serve as a clear indicator of how susceptible weird invisible money that only…
WASHINGTON—Puzzled by the incredibly generous anonymous gift, the American populace was reportedly curious Friday after discovering a mysterious, eccentric benefactor had paid off the country’s debt in full. “Dearest Americans, I humbly bestow upon you an endowment most desirable, to be unburdened fully from your…
Hundreds Of Thousands Of Americans Suddenly Resume Blue-Collar Jobs
WASHINGTON—Declaring that such sloppiness came at a significant financial cost, a report released by the U.S. Bureau of Economic Analysis on Monday found that the U.S. loses $20 billion each year to Americans writing ideas down illegibly. “The data strongly suggests that Americans’ inability to decipher their own…
Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.
EVANSTON, IL—Describing it as one of the most powerful trends driving markets nationwide, a new report released Thursday by the Northwestern University Department of Economics found that children getting their parents off their back now accounts for 38 percent of all economic growth. “Our findings indicate that nearly…
SEATTLE—In no way enhancing the nation’s wealth through any other means, local man Ryan Compton’s sole contribution to the economy is viewing advertisements found on websites, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Occasionally glancing at ads while scrolling through articles is the one and only useful purpose he serves in the…
NEW YORK—Predicting the country will soon reach levels of employment and household wealth it has not seen in decades, top financial experts concluded Tuesday that the economy must really be surging right now if an entire season of Bones is available to watch online for free. “If they’re just giving away the complete…
WASHINGTON—According to a report released Tuesday by The American Economic Journal, you’re supposed to tip supermarket cashiers, you selfish goddamn son of a bitch. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” the report read in part, going on to say that these people need that money to survive and questioning whether you’ve…
HAMPTON, VA—Explaining that his current employment situation is intended merely as a stopgap, local man Simon Goldinger, 23, confirmed Thursday that he only plans to wait tables until the fundamental structure of the American economy undergoes a complete overhaul.
Donald Trump unveiled his administration’s economic policy plan Monday at the Detroit Economic Club. Here are Trump’s main economic proposals:
ANN ARBOR, MI—Describing the occurrence as a troubling indicator for the U.S. economy, a University of Michigan report released Thursday revealed that consumer confidence was shaken this month after Cincinnati-area mom Leslie Barger bought the wrong kind of tortilla chips. “Our data show that consumers became…
CAMBRIDGE, MA—According to a report published this week in the Quarterly Journal Of Economics, American consumers spend nearly a trillion dollars each year after uttering the phrase “Gimme one of those, too.” “Even in recession conditions, we found that U.S. consumers spend about $900 billion annually when they reach…
