Report: More Americans Forced To Sell Gold Pocket Watch In Order To Afford Set Of Fine Combs For Wife

NEW YORK—Citing the limited household budgets of many young married couples, a new report published Friday estimates that more Americans than ever this Christmas will be forced to sell a gold watch inherited from their father in order to buy a set of fine combs for their wife’s beautiful hair. “Wages have remained…

Nation Curious After Discovering Mysterious, Eccentric Benefactor Paid Off Country’s Debt In Full 

WASHINGTON—Puzzled by the incredibly generous anonymous gift, the American populace was reportedly curious Friday after discovering a mysterious, eccentric benefactor had paid off the country’s debt in full. “Dearest Americans, I humbly bestow upon you an endowment most desirable, to be unburdened fully from your…

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Report: Economy Must Be Doing Pretty Well If Entire Season Of ‘Bones’ Online For Free

NEW YORK—Predicting the country will soon reach levels of employment and household wealth it has not seen in decades, top financial experts concluded Tuesday that the economy must really be surging right now if an entire season of Bones is available to watch online for free. “If they’re just giving away the complete…

Report: U.S. Consumers Spend $900 Billion Each Year After Saying ‘Gimme One Of Those, Too’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—According to a report published this week in the Quarterly Journal Of Economics, American consumers spend nearly a trillion dollars each year after uttering the phrase “Gimme one of those, too.” “Even in recession conditions, we found that U.S. consumers spend about $900 billion annually when they reach…