University Admits It Pretty Weird They Let Bunch Of 20-Year-Olds Live In Big Mansion And Torture Each Other

TUSCALOOSA, AL—Suddenly realizing that the tradition was actually sort of strange when one stopped to really think about it, University of Alabama administrators admitted to reporters Thursday that it was pretty weird that they let a bunch of 20-year-olds live in a big mansion and torture each other. “I guess allowing…

Sheryl Sandberg’s MIT Commencement Address Clearly References Personal Data Of Individual Graduating Students

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Emphasizing the graduates’ enthusiasm for life, eagerness to contribute to society, and 22 percent higher than average engagement rate with online data aggregation sites, Facebook chief operating officer Sheryl Sandberg delivered a commencement speech at the Massachusetts Institute Of Technology Friday…

Hotshot Commencement Speaker Jumps Straight Into Speech Without Even Defining ‘Courage’

ROCK ISLAND, IL—Noting that the ceremony’s esteemed guest of honor sure seemed like a cocky motherfucker, attendees of Augustana College’s graduation Sunday reported that the hotshot commencement speaker just jumped straight into his speech without even defining the word “courage.” “Well, well, well—not even a single…