WASHINGTONâA report released Thursday by the U.S. Department of Education revealed that underfunded American public schools, most of which lack even the most basic support systems, were producing students who were perfectly prepared for the remainder of their dismal public and professional lives. âWe found dailyâŚ
EDISON, NJâImmediately after dedicating 20 pages to the end of the Vietnam War and its aftermath, 11th-grade social studies textbook The American Vision awkwardly crammed the last 40 years of history into a little blurb titled âInto Our New Millennium.â âThey spent a whole chapter on Teddy Roosevelt alone, but nowâŚ
CHICAGOâSaying the classical language was a practical choice for anyone interested in awakening the dead, a new report released Thursday by the University of Chicago found that students who take Latin have a better chance of summoning a demon later in life. âAccording to our data, children who studied Latin in gradeâŚ
GRANDVIEW, TXâSprinting onto the field with a thundering roar of âPardon us, please,â the scrupulously polite Grandview Knights high school football team ran around a hand-drawn break-away banner Friday rather than bursting through it, recognizing that it must have taken hours of hard work to make. âSo much talent andâŚ
ALBANY, NYâShaken to his core by the realization that he had independently shared every significant detail of his fellow classmateâs vacation, fourth-grader Bryan Gardener was sent into a profound panic Thursday as it dawned on him that student Jimmy Perez, who gave his presentation immediately before Gardener,âŚ
KALAMAZOO, MIâFailing to complete the simple task despite his ostensibly robust academic background, onlooking students at Kalamazoo College reported Wednesday that their supposedly educated literature professor Gene Cabella demonstrated no clue as to how to rid their lecture hall of a bird that had flown in throughâŚ
CHARLOTTESVILLE, VAâCarefully establishing a reminder lest they lose themselves in a moment of exuberance, fraternity brothers at the University of Virginaâs Sigma Chi chapter made a note Tuesday not to kill a member of their new pledge class during the intense hazing process, as his family happens to own a commodiousâŚ
PORTLAND, ORâReluctantly acknowledging that he would soon need to go out of his way to strike up conversations with the seventh-grader, Stoller Middle School janitor Charles DeWalt had already deduced Tuesday that he was going to have to befriend transfer student Jackson Clancy. âThis is the third day in a row heâsâŚ
As over 50 million students return for a new school year, the U.S. education system faces of a number of technological, philosophical, and financial challenges. The Onion looks at important events in the history of the American education system.
TUSCALOOSA, ALâSuddenly realizing that the tradition was actually sort of strange when one stopped to really think about it, University of Alabama administrators admitted to reporters Thursday that it was pretty weird that they let a bunch of 20-year-olds live in a big mansion and torture each other. âI guess allowingâŚ
KAUKAUNA, WIâGiven pause after witnessing the consequences of their actions, members of a sixth-grade class at River View Middle School reported feeling kind of bad Wednesday after discovering how little effort it took to make their teacher, 23-year-old Kayla Martin, cry. âOh, jeez, now I feel guiltyâI realize we wereâŚ
This yearâs incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2022, with most of them being born in 2000. The Onion takes a look at some facts and figures about these students and their worldview.
SACRAMENTO, CAâAddressing the glaringly obvious cultural and linguistic differences that have become apparent in their American classroom, students at Anderson Valley High School admitted Thursday that they were experiencing difficulty understanding Timo Mäkinen, a far more thoroughly educated foreign exchange studentâŚ
BERKELEY, CAâEagerly speculating over who will make up the roster of controversial public intellectuals, students at the University of California, Berkeley told reporters Thursday they were excited to see the slate of notable speakers who will be disinvited to campus this year. âMan, I canât wait to see whichâŚ
CAMBRIDGE, MAâEmphasizing the graduatesâ enthusiasm for life, eagerness to contribute to society, and 22 percent higher than average engagement rate with online data aggregation sites, Facebook chief operating officer Sheryl Sandberg delivered a commencement speech at the Massachusetts Institute Of Technology FridayâŚ
APPLETON, WIâNoting that the message had been received loud and fucking clear already, attendees of Appleton West High Schoolâs graduation ceremony Saturday reported the whole thing had turned into one big, broken record concerning their late classmate Chelsea Heckelâs sudden death in a car accident. âWhen the deanâŚ
DURHAM, NCâUrging millions of 32-year-olds to report immediately to the registrarâs office, colleges across the country sent out a reminder Wednesday to every student who graduated in 2008 that their degrees were about to expire. âAny alumnus who wishes to renew their associateâs, bachelorâs, or graduate degree is toâŚ
OXFORD, MSâSensing that their colleague had suddenly moved up in the world, break room sources at Randall Elementary School reported Wednesday that fifth-grade teacher Patricia Adamsâwho was earlier spotted with a new set of chalk holdersâmust have come into some money recently. âDamn, looks like Pattyâs becomeâŚ
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