Kanye West: ‘I Would’ve Ridden Away From A Slave Plantation On A Motorcycle First Chance I Got’

LOS ANGELES—Insisting that the legal, centuries-long practice of slavery in America could never have limited his personal or artistic ambitions, Kanye West stated Wednesday that if he had been born into captivity, he would have simply escaped the plantation on his motorcycle “the first chance [he] got.” “If that slave…

New Historical Drama Just 90 Minutes Of Woman Holding Up Petticoats While Running Through Open Field

LONDON—An early review confirmed Wednesday that upcoming historical drama The Sisters Of Darington Manor was just 90 minutes of a woman holding up her petticoats while scampering through an open field. “After the opening credits roll, it’s really just an hour and a half of a woman in a silk gown grabbing the hems of…

Publicist Worried Kanye West’s Support Of Trump Will Damage His Carefully Crafted Public Image As A Manic Self-Absorbed Lunatic

LOS ANGELES—Expressing concern over the fallout from several controversial tweets praising the president, Kanye West’s publicist was reportedly worried Thursday that the rapper’s support of Donald Trump would damage his carefully crafted public image as a manic, self-absorbed lunatic. “Christ, we’ve worked so hard to…

‘Roseanne’ Taping Repeatedly Interrupted By Reporters Trying To Interview Members Of White Working Class

LOS ANGELES—Frustrating the producers who had to keep stopping due to the steady stream of journalists walking on set, sources confirmed that a taping of a Roseanne episode was repeatedly interrupted Wednesday by reporters trying to interview members of the white working class. “We’re forced to call cut every five…

Archivists Discover Unpublished Michael Crichton Manuscript About Amusement Park That Operates Without A Hitch

LOS ANGELES—Hailing the text as a fascinating addition to the author’s established oeuvre, researchers cataloging the personal archives of Michael Crichton announced Wednesday that they had uncovered an unpublished manuscript about an amusement park that operates without a hitch. “This is an incredible find,” said…

George Thorogood Fan Disgusted To Learn Musician Licensed ‘Bad To The Bone’ For Commercial Purposes

HAMMOND, IN—George Thorogood fan Hank Flores was disgusted to learn Friday that the white-boogie-blues musician had licensed his single “Bad To The Bone” for commercial purposes, expressing disbelief that one of his musical and philosophical idols would sell out in such a fashion. “Man, that song used to really mean…

Paul Giamatti Cuts Back On Acting To Focus On Signature Line Of Shapeless Khakis, Rumpled Polos

NEW YORK—Shifting creative gears to pursue what he called “his other great passion in life,” casual men’s fashion, Paul Giamatti announced Friday that he would be cutting back on acting to launch a signature line of shapeless khakis and rumpled polos. “Over the years, I’ve heard from so many fans who wanted to dress…

Audience Left Wondering What Happened After Action Film Pans From Character To Shot Of Blood Spattering Against Wall

PARK CITY, UT—Admitting they felt utterly bewildered after viewing the new action movie Run River, audience members voiced their confusion Monday regarding a shot that panned from the villain to blood spattering against a wall. “It was really unclear; first, you see the bad guy with his hands up, then the camera moves…

Negative Review Of ‘A Wrinkle In Time’ Peppered With Critic Assuring Readers He Still Totally Supports Diversity

OAKLAND, CA—Alternating his problems with the film’s story structure, pacing, and overall tone with effusive praise for the cast of strong, multicultural women, Bay Area Examiner film columnist Justin Garren published a negative review of A Wrinkle In Time Friday in which he nevertheless took pains to remind his…