LOS ANGELES—Insisting that the legal, centuries-long practice of slavery in America could never have limited his personal or artistic ambitions, Kanye West stated Wednesday that if he had been born into captivity, he would have simply escaped the plantation on his motorcycle “the first chance [he] got.” “If that slave…

LONDON—An early review confirmed Wednesday that upcoming historical drama The Sisters Of Darington Manor was just 90 minutes of a woman holding up her petticoats while scampering through an open field. “After the opening credits roll, it’s really just an hour and a half of a woman in a silk gown grabbing the hems of…

LOS ANGELES—Expressing concern over the fallout from several controversial tweets praising the president, Kanye West’s publicist was reportedly worried Thursday that the rapper’s support of Donald Trump would damage his carefully crafted public image as a manic, self-absorbed lunatic. “Christ, we’ve worked so hard to…

SANTA MONICA, CA—Speaking about the upcoming episodes of the Hulu series at a press event, producers of The Handmaid’s Tale announced Monday that the second season would focus on the serious dangers posed by feminism run amok. “Fans of The Handmaid’s Tale are going to be thrilled to be back in the totalitarian…

SALEM, VA—According to moviegoers currently bracing for the next 95 minutes, the cool glitch effect used on the Warner Bros. logo during the film’s intro sequence must mean that some serious shit is about to go down. “Oh, man, here we go. The normal picture got all distorted for a second, and the musical sting was…

NEW YORK—Expressing their excitement at the preview of the latest installment in the popular franchise, self-proclaimed Star Wars fans told reporters Monday that they were blown away by a newly released Solo trailer that sheds light on specifically how the upcoming film will suck. “In the past, they’ve teased at the…

LOS ANGELES—Frustrating the producers who had to keep stopping due to the steady stream of journalists walking on set, sources confirmed that a taping of a Roseanne episode was repeatedly interrupted Wednesday by reporters trying to interview members of the white working class. “We’re forced to call cut every five…

LOS ANGELES—Hailing the text as a fascinating addition to the author’s established oeuvre, researchers cataloging the personal archives of Michael Crichton announced Wednesday that they had uncovered an unpublished manuscript about an amusement park that operates without a hitch. “This is an incredible find,” said…

HAMMOND, IN—George Thorogood fan Hank Flores was disgusted to learn Friday that the white-boogie-blues musician had licensed his single “Bad To The Bone” for commercial purposes, expressing disbelief that one of his musical and philosophical idols would sell out in such a fashion. “Man, that song used to really mean…

BURBANK, CA—In a revelation that many are saying will tarnish his widely celebrated legacy, sources confirmed Thursday that damning footage recently obtained from Warner Bros. Pictures shows stage and film star Al Jolson wearing blackface. “It’s unfortunate, given all his contributions to American popular music, but I…

PARK CITY, UT—Admitting they felt utterly bewildered after viewing the new action movie Run River, audience members voiced their confusion Monday regarding a shot that panned from the villain to blood spattering against a wall. “It was really unclear; first, you see the bad guy with his hands up, then the camera moves…

OAKLAND, CA—Alternating his problems with the film’s story structure, pacing, and overall tone with effusive praise for the cast of strong, multicultural women, Bay Area Examiner film columnist Justin Garren published a negative review of A Wrinkle In Time Friday in which he nevertheless took pains to remind his…