LocalLocalReport: Everyone Laughing At What Is A Very Silly Misunderstanding, But Don’t Be Fooled—Even Now, The Seeds Of Resentment Are Taking RootBOSTON—Despite everyone laughing at what is admittedly a very silly misunderstanding, a report released Tuesday…
Breaking NewsBreaking NewsZelensky Calls On U.S. To Send Totally Psycho MarineKYIV, UKRAINE—In a desperate plea for aid in the continued effort to expel his nation’s Russian occupiers, sources…
LocalNews In BriefLocalNews In BriefInjured Birthday Clown Taken Behind Bouncy House To Be ShotAUSTIN, TX—Explaining that it was best to put him out of his misery as quickly as possible, local father and…
Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In BriefExperts Recommend Americans Prepare 2-3 Dance Moves In Case Excited Circle Forms Around ThemWASHINGTON—Saying those unable to execute a satisfying dance sequence posed a severe threat to the vibe, experts…
LocalNews In BriefLocalNews In BriefCasting Director Can Tell That Child Actor Doesn’t Have The Abusive Parents It Takes To Make It In EntertainmentLOS ANGELES—Breaking the disappointing news as gently as he could, casting director Ray Ulrich told 9-year-old child…
LocalInfographicLocalInfographicThe Onion’s Test Sweatshop Helps You Design Your Home Entertainment CenterDeciding which products will fulfill your basic needs or that gaping hole in your heart can be stressful. The…
OpinionAmerican VoicesOpinionAmerican Voices‘Dilbert’ Creator Suggests Killing Your Son If He’s A Danger To OthersScott Adams, creator of the Dilbert comics, is receiving serious backlash for his tweet suggesting that a parent…
OpinionAmerican VoicesOpinionAmerican VoicesRingling Bros. Announces Comeback Tour Without Animal ActsRingling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey circus has announced the return of its big top circus that closed five years…
SportsSlideshowSportsSlideshowWorst Super Bowl Halftime Performances Of All TimeU2’s emotional tribute to the 9/11 perpetrators fell flat.
Breaking NewsInfographicBreaking NewsInfographicThose We Lost In 2021Like most years, 2021 featured a bunch of famous people dying. The Onion looks back at those we lost in 2021.
OGNNewsOGNNewsBad News Gamers: It Appears Now Is Not The Time For Idle MerrimentDang, we have some really unhappy news to share with gaming fans today, news that it brings us no pleasure to write…
LocalNews In BriefLocalNews In BriefMan Who Only Recently Cracked Code On ‘Buck Fush’ Still Puzzling Over ‘Let’s Go, Brandon’GLENBROOK, IL—Turning the words over in his head in a dogged attempt to understand their import, Ted Dobbes, a local…
EntertainmentNews In PhotosEntertainmentNews In PhotosSmithsonian Acquires Arms Of Kermit The Frog Puppeteer
EntertainmentNews In BriefEntertainmentNews In BriefPost-Pandemic Cinema-Goers’ Eyes, Ears Rupture As Senses Overwhelmed By Theater ExperienceBRENTWOOD, CA—Unaccustomed to the sheer intensity of the sights and sounds before them, post-pandemic cinema-goers’…
Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In BriefNation’s Stage Managers Announce 5 Minutes To PlacesWASHINGTON—Striding briskly through the country’s backstage areas, the nation’s stage managers announced Friday that…
SportsNews In BriefSportsNews In BriefFrustrated Customer At HBO’s ‘The Shop’ Waiting Hours For Haircut While LeBron Talks About 2016 FinalsLOS ANGELES—Anxiously stirring in his chair as the barber was interrupted once again, barbershop customer Jerry…
OGNNewsOGNNews‘RollerCoaster Tycoon’ Fans Will Love This: Hundreds Have Died On These 2 Roller Coasters Designed To Smash Into Each OtherFor fans of the classic 1999 strategy game, RollerCoaster Tycoon brings up a lot of fond memories: That…
LocalNews In BriefLocalNews In BriefImprov Theater’s Corporate Workshops Help Employees Realize Things Could Always Be WorseNEW YORK—Providing staff members with an energetic and interactive cautionary tale, The Big Apple Players Company…
OpinionAmerican VoicesOpinionAmerican VoicesJoey Chestnut Breaks Own Hot Dog Eating RecordDefending world champion Joey Chestnut broke his own record Sunday, devouring 76 hot dogs in 10 minutes, 26 more…