Onion Social Denies Rising Global Temperatures Linked To 50,000 Coal Plants Running Round The Clock To Power Site

PALO ALTO, CA—Asserting that critics could not show a connection between recent global climate change and the 185 billion tons of CO2 their facilities pumped into the atmosphere each day, Onion Social denied that the massive worldwide increase in temperatures since Monday was linked to the 50,000 coal-fired plants…

Experts Confirm Rainforest Ecosystem Destroyed To Make Room For Onion Social Server Farm Wasn’t That Impressive To Begin With

BERKELEY, CA—Noting the countless shortcomings of the underwhelming biome, ecology experts confirmed Wednesday that the rainforest ecosystem recently destroyed to create room for an Onion Social server farm wasn’t all that impressive to begin with. “After a careful review of the evidence, we can confidently conclude…

Scott Pruitt Claims Misappropriated EPA Funds Would Have Only Been Wasted On Dumb Shit Like Clean Water

WASHINGTON—Responding to criticism that he has repeatedly spent money intended for agency use on personal items, lavish travel, and other unnecessary expenditures, Environmental Protection Agency administrator Scott Pruitt reportedly claimed Wednesday that the funds he has misappropriated would have only been wasted…

Millions Of Policy Proposals Spill Into Sea As Brookings Institution Think Tanker Runs Aground Off Crimea Coast

YALTA, CRIMEA—In what is being called the worst environmental disaster in the region’s history, millions of policy proposals gushed into the Black Sea on Thursday after a Brookings Institution think tanker ran aground off the coast of Crimea. “Cleanup crews are working around the clock to contain this massive flood of…