What’s In The Green New Deal
The Green New Deal, a set of proposals aimed at combating climate change, is being championed by many progressive…
Study Finds Rising Sea Levels Result Of Expansive Colonization Effort By Dolphins
LOS ANGELES—In a discovery poised to overturn years of climate science research, a study released Thursday by UCLA’s…
‘Can Anyone Hear Me?’ Shout Terrified Climate Scientists Frantically Waving Arms As Passersby Walk Straight Through Them
WASHINGTON—Growing increasingly panicked as the American public remained oblivious to their efforts, numerous terrified…
Climate Scientists Confirm There’s Still Time To Blow Up The Earth
GENEVA, SWITZERLAND—Warning that millions would starve in the streets unless world leaders took decisive action,…
Climate Researchers Warn Only Hope For Humanity Now Lies In Possibility They Making All Of This Up
GENEVA—Saying the time to act has come and gone, a group of researchers from the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on…
Onion Social Denies Rising Global Temperatures Linked To 50,000 Coal Plants Running Round The Clock To Power Site
PALO ALTO, CA—Asserting that critics could not show a connection between recent global climate change and the 185…
Experts Confirm Rainforest Ecosystem Destroyed To Make Room For Onion Social Server Farm Wasn’t That Impressive To Begin With
BERKELEY, CA—Noting the countless shortcomings of the underwhelming biome, ecology experts confirmed Wednesday that the…
Scott Pruitt Claims Misappropriated EPA Funds Would Have Only Been Wasted On Dumb Shit Like Clean Water
WASHINGTON—Responding to criticism that he has repeatedly spent money intended for agency use on personal items, lavish…
Great Barrier Reef Offers Scuba Divers Chance To See Beautiful Diversity Of Ocean Death
CAIRNS, AUSTRALIA—Adapting to the climatic changes that have irrevocably altered the world’s largest once-living thing,…
Sighing, Resigned Climate Scientists Say To Just Enjoy Next 20 Years As Much As You Can
GENEVA—Attending a conference to discuss alarming new data on rising sea levels, a weary group of top climatologists…
Ryan Zinke Comes Out In Support Of Controversial Wildfire
WASHINGTON—Amid intense nationwide scrutiny of the polarizing blaze, Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke on Tuesday came out…
Styrofoam To Spend Next 500 Years Reflecting On How Well It Protected Blender In Transport
NEW YORK—Having put in 46 hours of hard work as sturdy packing material, a local block of Styrofoam is about to spend…
Red Lobster Criticized For Decimating Biscuit Populations Along Cheddar Bay
CHEDDAR BAY, ME—Warning that local stocks had been depleted to dangerous levels, environmentalists criticized Red…