‘Can Anyone Hear Me?’ Shout Terrified Climate Scientists Frantically Waving Arms As Passersby Walk Straight Through Them

WASHINGTON—Growing increasingly panicked as the American public remained oblivious to their efforts, numerous terrified climate scientists had resorted to frantically waving their arms while loudly begging to be acknowledged by throngs of passersby who proceeded to walk straight through them, sources confirmed…

Climate Researchers Warn Only Hope For Humanity Now Lies In Possibility They Making All Of This Up

GENEVA—Saying the time to act has come and gone, a group of researchers from the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change warned Tuesday that any hope for the future of humanity now hinges on the possibility that scientists like themselves are simply making all of this up. “After reviewing our climate models and…

Onion Social Denies Rising Global Temperatures Linked To 50,000 Coal Plants Running Round The Clock To Power Site

PALO ALTO, CA—Asserting that critics could not show a connection between recent global climate change and the 185 billion tons of CO2 their facilities pumped into the atmosphere each day, Onion Social denied that the massive worldwide increase in temperatures since Monday was linked to the 50,000 coal-fired plants…

Experts Confirm Rainforest Ecosystem Destroyed To Make Room For Onion Social Server Farm Wasn’t That Impressive To Begin With

BERKELEY, CA—Noting the countless shortcomings of the underwhelming biome, ecology experts confirmed Wednesday that the rainforest ecosystem recently destroyed to create room for an Onion Social server farm wasn’t all that impressive to begin with. “After a careful review of the evidence, we can confidently conclude…

Scott Pruitt Claims Misappropriated EPA Funds Would Have Only Been Wasted On Dumb Shit Like Clean Water

WASHINGTON—Responding to criticism that he has repeatedly spent money intended for agency use on personal items, lavish travel, and other unnecessary expenditures, Environmental Protection Agency administrator Scott Pruitt reportedly claimed Wednesday that the funds he has misappropriated would have only been wasted…

Great Barrier Reef Offers Scuba Divers Chance To See Beautiful Diversity Of Ocean Death

CAIRNS, AUSTRALIA—Adapting to the climatic changes that have irrevocably altered the world’s largest once-living thing, tour guides on Australia’s Great Barrier Reef are now offering divers a chance to see the breathtaking diversity of ocean death. “Whether you want to see thousands of colorful crabs that died as a…

Styrofoam To Spend Next 500 Years Reflecting On How Well It Protected Blender In Transport

NEW YORK—Having put in 46 hours of hard work as sturdy packing material, a local block of Styrofoam is about to spend the next 500 years reflecting on how well it protected a blender in transport, sources said Wednesday. “Hey, you know what, I did a pretty good job shielding that Vitamix during that three-day trip,”…

Fuck, I Totally Forgot To Fight For Women’s Rights And Promote Sustainability

Talk about an “oops” moment! The other day, after a White House staff meeting, I was walking past the Blue Room when I had this vague sense that I’d spaced out on something major. As much as I racked my brain, though, I just couldn’t quite put my finger on what it was. It was only later in the afternoon when I was…

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