10-Year-Old Yelling At Mom To Watch Cannonball While She’s Trying To Scope Out Younger Men At Pool

COSTA MESA, CA—Excitedly waving his arms from the diving board of his local pool Friday, 10-year-old Bryan Eastman reportedly yelled for his mother Emily, 36, to watch him perform a cannonball while she was attempting to feast her eyes upon a visual banquet of athletic young men nearby. “Mom, Mom, look at me! This is…

Report: Decision To Read This Headline Has Erased Future Daughter ‘Emily’ In All Possible Timelines

CHICAGO—Emphasizing that the beautiful, intelligent young woman—the apple of your eye—was officially gone and never, ever coming back, a report released Tuesday confirmed that your decision to read the above headline has erased your future daughter Emily in all possible timelines. “By the time you read this sentence,…

Family Wishes Dad Could Find Healthier Way To Express Emotions Than Bursting Into Full-Blown Musical Number

PORTSMOUTH, NH—Saying that an inability to properly cope with his feelings often led them to come out in sudden and unexpected ways, the family of local man Drew Walton told reporters Friday that they wished he could find a healthier way to express his emotions than always bursting into a full-blown musical number.…