DUNCANVILLE, TX—Beckoning the boy to come closer so “Nana can feel those washboard abs,” local grandmother Shirley Paulson was reportedly amazed Monday by how fuckable her grandson has gotten since she last saw him. “My, Jackson, you are really growing into quite the grade-A slice of man meat! Ooh, I just want to…

PHILADELPHIA—Throughout the runtime of the two-hour movie, local mother of three Barbara Rosenstock, 62, took several opportunities Friday to declare her hatred for the bad guy. “Oh, he’s just being so mean to his girlfriend! That’s terrible. It’s just awful how he treats her!” said Rosenstock, gasping and shaking her…

PORTSMOUTH, NH—Calling the dish one of the tastiest she’s had in some time, 61-year-old mom Karyn Stockton continued to rave Thursday about the butternut squash ravioli she tried 13 years ago during a vacation to Boston. “Who would have thought to put squash into ravioli?” Stockton said of the pasta dish she consumed…

DES MOINES, IA—In an effort to boost economic growth and retain residents who would otherwise pursue a more exciting and lucrative lifestyle in other areas, Iowa state officials unveiled a new population retention campaign Thursday designed to appeal to younger Iowans’ sense of filial piety with the slogan “The Stress…

PHOENIX—Murmuring to herself about how breathtakingly small you once were, your mother formally announced Tuesday her plans to get out some of your old baby stuff and quietly stare at it. “Sometimes, seemingly out of nowhere, I remember what a happy baby you were,” said your mom, confirming her intention to sit in…

PHILADELPHIA—Emphasizing that “a lousy homemade coupon for free hugs dashed off at the last minute won’t cut it any longer,” mother of three Andrea Wolner told reporters Friday that her children were now officially old enough to pony up for a meaningful birthday gift. “Andrew, Gabe, and Jessica have jobs at this…

RALEIGH, NC—Claiming he only needs something that’s easy to hook up with internet capabilities, local dad Greg Knox informed his family Friday that he just wants a simple, no-nonsense Xbox One for checking emails. “I don’t want any of those fancy Xboxes with the Kinects or headsets or anything like that. It would just…

BOCA RATON, FL—Deciding it was about time they had “the talk,” local father Timothy Bennet pulled his 13-year-old son Eric aside Monday to explain how sex with his mom works. “Listen, son, you’re getting old enough to learn about the facts of my life with your mom, and I don’t want you hearing this from someone else…

COLUMBUS, OH—Wishing her child would channel his enthusiasm for virtual reality into real, in-the-flesh human interaction, Annabelle Rund expressed her annoyance Monday that her son Andrew, 14, insisted on spending a beautiful day playing violent video games when he could be outside killing people instead. “The sun is…

KANSAS CITY, MO—Lamenting that the ceremony was an absolute shit show, local grandmother Shirley Ingle could not believe Saturday that she’d hung on so long just to attend her granddaughter’s lame-ass wedding. “I fought so hard to stay alive and be here for this special day, but my God—this wedding fucking sucks,”…

ROCHESTER, NY—After losing a three-year battle with prostate cancer during which he only sporadically masturbated to prurient images, beloved father and infrequent pornography user Larry Gates passed away Monday, surrounded by his loving family in the home where he kept one or two old Playboys which, when in better…

COSTA MESA, CA—Excitedly waving his arms from the diving board of his local pool Friday, 10-year-old Bryan Eastman reportedly yelled for his mother Emily, 36, to watch him perform a cannonball while she was attempting to feast her eyes upon a visual banquet of athletic young men nearby. “Mom, Mom, look at me! This is…

ABINGTON, PA—Experiencing an urgent need to extend his bloodline, prospective father Mark Griffin said Thursday that he felt pressured to give his mother grandchildren while she was still around to care for them on his behalf. “Sad to say, Mom’s getting older, and if I wait any longer to have kids, she may not be…

GUTHRIE CENTER, IA—Explaining how the matriarch had upstaged the competition with impressive decorations, thoughtful gifts, and delicious cake, area 9-year-old Lucy Astrid confirmed Tuesday that her Nana J. reclaimed the top spot from her Gram Gram following an exceptional birthday outing last week. “Gram Gram was…

ANN ARBOR, MI—Noting that the two had really seemed to hit it off at the neighborhood barbeque, Sheila Glaspy informed her husband Mark that he had made a brand-new friend, family sources confirmed Tuesday. “Wow, you had a great time talking to Dennis tonight,” Glaspy told her husband, commenting that Mark and his new…

PHILADELPHIA—Explaining that it started with their grade school teachers calling them by countless other wrong names, local twins Aaron and Devon Thomas told reporters Wednesday they always get mistaken for random black people. “Strangers come up to us all the time, and even though we’re genetically identical in every…

CHICAGO—Emphasizing that the beautiful, intelligent young woman—the apple of your eye—was officially gone and never, ever coming back, a report released Tuesday confirmed that your decision to read the above headline has erased your future daughter Emily in all possible timelines. “By the time you read this sentence,…

JANESVILLE, IA—Indicating that this happens at least once a week, a report released Thursday confirmed that your father is currently typing the words “naked women” into the Yahoo images search bar. According to sources, the man who raised you is, at this very moment, sitting in a darkened home office, using both…