TULSA, OKâPausing very briefly to reflect joyfully on her new role amid the dayâs flurry of activity, new parent Suzanne Knott declared âbecoming a mother has been the most thrilling experience of my lifeâ Friday while fleeing the hospital with the baby she abducted mere moments before. âThe very first moment I heldâŚ
AVONDALE, OHâConfessing that her grief was somewhat moderated by seeing events play out exactly as she had warned, local mother Deborah Klein said Thursday she felt somewhat vindicated upon learning that her teenage daughter Rachel, after staying out later than parental rules allowed, had been murdered. âSure,âŚ
ST. LOUIS, MOâStressing the difficulty of moving forward in a particularly trying stage of the mourning process, local widow Simone Irving told reporters Thursday that she still couldnât bring herself to get rid of her late husbandâs corpse. âI know it sounds silly, but itâs the last thing I have of him,â said Irving,âŚ
ATHENS, OHâResponding to their grandfatherâs longtime silence on the subject, the family of World War II veteran Thomas Withers told reporters Monday that they figured the reason he never talked about serving was probably because nothing interesting happened to him. âGrandpa never discusses being stationed inâŚ
LOS ANGELESâIn a move relieving his firstborn of the mounting stress associated with the pursuit of his lifeâs ambition, ailing father Gideon Albright selflessly offered his son, aspiring writer Julian, 27, the perfect excuse to move back home and give up on his dreams. âMy fatherâs diagnosis was tangible proof thatâŚ
DUNCANVILLE, TXâBeckoning the boy to come closer so âNana can feel those washboard abs,â local grandmother Shirley Paulson was reportedly amazed Monday by how fuckable her grandson has gotten since she last saw him. âMy, Jackson, you are really growing into quite the grade-A slice of man meat! Ooh, I just want toâŚ
PHILADELPHIAâThroughout the runtime of the two-hour movie, local mother of three Barbara Rosenstock, 62, took several opportunities Friday to declare her hatred for the bad guy. âOh, heâs just being so mean to his girlfriend! Thatâs terrible. Itâs just awful how he treats her!â said Rosenstock, gasping and shaking herâŚ
PORTSMOUTH, NHâCalling the dish one of the tastiest sheâs had in some time, 61-year-old mom Karyn Stockton continued to rave Thursday about the butternut squash ravioli she tried 13 years ago during a vacation to Boston. âWho would have thought to put squash into ravioli?â Stockton said of the pasta dish she consumedâŚ
DES MOINES, IAâIn an effort to boost economic growth and retain residents who would otherwise pursue a more exciting and lucrative lifestyle in other areas, Iowa state officials unveiled a new population retention campaign Thursday designed to appeal to younger Iowansâ sense of filial piety with the slogan âThe StressâŚ
PHOENIXâMurmuring to herself about how breathtakingly small you once were, your mother formally announced Tuesday her plans to get out some of your old baby stuff and quietly stare at it. âSometimes, seemingly out of nowhere, I remember what a happy baby you were,â said your mom, confirming her intention to sit inâŚ
PHILADELPHIAâEmphasizing that âa lousy homemade coupon for free hugs dashed off at the last minute wonât cut it any longer,â mother of three Andrea Wolner told reporters Friday that her children were now officially old enough to pony up for a meaningful birthday gift. âAndrew, Gabe, and Jessica have jobs at thisâŚ
RALEIGH, NCâClaiming he only needs something thatâs easy to hook up with internet capabilities, local dad Greg Knox informed his family Friday that he just wants a simple, no-nonsense Xbox One for checking emails. âI donât want any of those fancy Xboxes with the Kinects or headsets or anything like that. It would justâŚ
BOCA RATON, FLâDeciding it was about time they had âthe talk,â local father Timothy Bennet pulled his 13-year-old son Eric aside Monday to explain how sex with his mom works. âListen, son, youâre getting old enough to learn about the facts of my life with your mom, and I donât want you hearing this from someone elseâŚ
COLUMBUS, OHâWishing her child would channel his enthusiasm for virtual reality into real, in-the-flesh human interaction, Annabelle Rund expressed her annoyance Monday that her son Andrew, 14, insisted on spending a beautiful day playing violent video games when he could be outside killing people instead. âThe sun isâŚ
KANSAS CITY, MOâLamenting that the ceremony was an absolute shit show, local grandmother Shirley Ingle could not believe Saturday that sheâd hung on so long just to attend her granddaughterâs lame-ass wedding. âI fought so hard to stay alive and be here for this special day, but my Godâthis wedding fucking sucks,ââŚ
ROCHESTER, NYâAfter losing a three-year battle with prostate cancer during which he only sporadically masturbated to prurient images, beloved father and infrequent pornography user Larry Gates passed away Monday, surrounded by his loving family in the home where he kept one or two old Playboys which, when in betterâŚ
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