‘I’m Going To Hell For Laughing At This Meme,’ Says Man Going To Hell For Helping Little Sister Get Abortion

KEARNEY, NJ—Convinced that he was going “straight to hell” for chuckling at a “rule 34” meme involving Peppa Pig, local man Kevin Morgan was reportedly unaware Monday that he would, in fact, suffer eternal damnation for helping his sister get an abortion. “Oh, man, this is so wrong and I know I’ll rot in hell for…

Advertisement

‘Your Father Died Peacefully In His Sleep,’ Assures Hospice Nurse Who Spent Past 6 Months Watching Man Wither Away In Agony

SELIGMAN, AZ—In an attempt to console the family of the deceased, Mountain View Hospice nurse Sam Bakshi—who watched his patient wither away for half a year in unrelenting torment—told relatives of the late Dennis Ridges on Tuesday that the man had died peacefully in his sleep. “I know this is a difficult time, but I…

Advertisement

‘Let’s All Say What We’re Grateful For,’ Says Mother Who Apparently Believes She’s In A Norman Fucking Rockwell Painting

LANSING, MI—Deluded into thinking the gathering was the goddamn picture of idyllic American life, local mother Donna Lerner, who apparently believes she’s in a Norman fucking Rockwell painting, reportedly suggested Thursday that everyone say what they are grateful for. “Now, let’s all go around the table and say at…