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Leading Probability Researchers Confounded By Three Coworkers Wearing Same Shirt Color On Same Day

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Saying the likelihood of such a phenomenon occurring was near impossible, leading probability researchers told reporters Wednesday that they were confounded by reports that three coworkers at a Nashville-area office were wearing the same shirt color on the same day. “The entire statistics community is…

Patagonia Introduces New High-Performance Jacket Specially Designed To Protect Wearer On Walk Between Front Door And Car

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the most effective outerwear on the market for short-term exposure to the elements, outdoor clothing company Patagonia on Wednesday introduced its new high-performance jacket specially designed for walking between the front door and car. “With ultra-lightweight fabric and a center-front zipper…

Nike Releases New Sports Bra For Wearing Directly Under Coat While Shambling Around Grocery Store

BEAVERTON, OR—Touting the undergarment as an essential item for women on the go, Nike released a new sports bra Monday designed for wearing directly under a coat while shambling around the grocery store, sources reported. “The lightweight Nike Relax Pro fits comfortably beneath any baggy hoodie or windbreaker and…

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Ulta Releases Line Of Shitty Hair Ties To Give Cheap-Ass Friend Who’s Always Borrowing Them

BOLINGBROOK, IL—Touting them as essentials that women should have handy at all times, Ulta Beauty released a new line of shitty hair ties Friday designed specifically to be given to cheap-ass friends who always ask to borrow them. “Our new Freeloader Elastics line allows women to give the moochers in their life the…