Scientists Finally Figure Out What Hats Do
Brooks Brothers Unveils New Line Of Monogramed Cum Rags
NEW YORK—Touting the new offering as the perfect gift for Father’s Day or any occasion to celebrate the fashionable man in your life, Brooks Brothers unveiled Friday a new line of monogramed cum rags. “Our high-quality, durable, and stylish cum rags are the only accessory you need to elevate a simple menswear ensemble…
David’s Bridal Introduces New Line Of Whore-Red Dresses For Wicked, Impure Divorcées’ Shameful Second Weddings
CONSHOHOCKEN, PA—In an effort to meet the specific needs of even its most reprehensible customers, David’s Bridal introduced a new line of whore-red dresses Thursday for wicked, impure divorcées with the audacity to have a shameful second wedding. “These new gowns are the perfect slut-shade of crimson to make any…
Woman Attempts To Cram Few Years’ Worth Of Body Positivity Into 20 Minutes Before Trying On Bathing Suits
EAU CLAIRE, WI—Speeding through affirmations about her looks, area woman Cara Waller attempted Tuesday to cram a few years’ worth of body positivity into the 20 minutes she had before trying on bathing suits. “Listen up, girl, we don’t have a lot of time here, but just remember every body is a beach body and your…
Men’s Wearhouse Introduces Clip-On Trousers For Guys Who Never Learned How To Put On Pants
HOUSTON—Touting the garment as a stylish alternative for the gentleman on the go, Men’s Wearhouse announced Thursday it would be adding a new line of clip-on trousers for guys who never learned to put on pants. “These attractive, high-quality trousers clip easily to your shirt for a convenient, no-fuss pants-wearing…
Paul Giamatti Cuts Back On Acting To Focus On Signature Line Of Shapeless Khakis, Rumpled Polos
NEW YORK—Shifting creative gears to pursue what he called “his other great passion in life,” casual men’s fashion, Paul Giamatti announced Friday that he would be cutting back on acting to launch a signature line of shapeless khakis and rumpled polos. “Over the years, I’ve heard from so many fans who wanted to dress…
Spanx Introduces New Shapewear Hood To Smooth Unsightly Heads
ATLANTA—Promising the new addition to their product line would provide “that sexy, slender look,” undergarment maker Spanx, Inc. announced Wednesday it would begin offering its first-ever shapewear hood, designed to smooth away unsightly heads. “The Spanx Hood is made with a comfortable nylon and elastane blend that…
Eddie Bauer Announces New Line Of Brown Clothes
BELLEVUE, WA—In an effort to provide customers with a wide selection of shirts, pants, sweaters, and outerwear, retail chain Eddie Bauer announced plans Tuesday to release a brand-new line of brown clothes. “Since we pride ourselves on anticipating our customers’ tastes, we’ve designed this year’s collection around…
Leading Probability Researchers Confounded By Three Coworkers Wearing Same Shirt Color On Same Day
CAMBRIDGE, MA—Saying the likelihood of such a phenomenon occurring was near impossible, leading probability researchers told reporters Wednesday that they were confounded by reports that three coworkers at a Nashville-area office were wearing the same shirt color on the same day. “The entire statistics community is…
Patagonia Introduces New High-Performance Jacket Specially Designed To Protect Wearer On Walk Between Front Door And Car
VENTURA, CA—Calling it the most effective outerwear on the market for short-term exposure to the elements, outdoor clothing company Patagonia on Wednesday introduced its new high-performance jacket specially designed for walking between the front door and car. “With ultra-lightweight fabric and a center-front zipper…
Arguments For And Against School Uniforms
While some argue that school uniforms eliminate distractions and help students focus on learning, others believe that a strict dress code stifles students’ self-expression. The Onion breaks down the arguments for and against school uniforms.
Hanes Apologizes, Pulls T-Shirts From Shelves After Seeing How Local Man Looks In Them
WINSTON-SALEM, NC—Saying they deeply regretted their role in his unsightly appearance, clothing manufacturer Hanes apologized and pulled all their T-shirts from shelves Wednesday after seeing how local man Brian Armstrong looked in them. “All of us at Hanes are truly sorry these tagless cotton tees were allowed to go…
Area Woman Lovingly Lint Rolling Cardigan As If Tending To Prized Stallion
DURHAM, CT—Gently stroking the delicate piece of clothing, sources confirmed that area woman Lola Fennimore was lovingly lint rolling her cardigan Wednesday as if she were tending to a prized stallion. “You poor thing, you’ve had a rough day,” said Fennimore, pausing once or twice to carefully pick at a few stubborn…
J.Crew Debuts New Line Of Stylish Casualwear For Mannequins
NEW YORK—Saying its classic but comfortable fashions should be for everyone, clothing retailer J.Crew unveiled on Wednesday a new line of stylish casualwear specifically designed for mannequins. “Whether they’re hanging out with friends in a window display or standing motionless by the entrance to a menswear section,…
The Onion’s Guide To Wedding Attire
As wedding season approaches, The Onion provides a guide to help guests make the perfect sartorial choice.
