David’s Bridal Introduces New Line Of Whore-Red Dresses For Wicked, Impure Divorcées’ Shameful Second Weddings

CONSHOHOCKEN, PA—In an effort to meet the specific needs of even its most reprehensible customers, David’s Bridal introduced a new line of whore-red dresses Thursday for wicked, impure divorcées with the audacity to have a shameful second wedding. “These new gowns are the perfect slut-shade of crimson to make any…

Woman Attempts To Cram Few Years’ Worth Of Body Positivity Into 20 Minutes Before Trying On Bathing Suits

EAU CLAIRE, WI—Speeding through affirmations about her looks, area woman Cara Waller attempted Tuesday to cram a few years’ worth of body positivity into the 20 minutes she had before trying on bathing suits. “Listen up, girl, we don’t have a lot of time here, but just remember every body is a beach body and your…

Paul Giamatti Cuts Back On Acting To Focus On Signature Line Of Shapeless Khakis, Rumpled Polos

NEW YORK—Shifting creative gears to pursue what he called “his other great passion in life,” casual men’s fashion, Paul Giamatti announced Friday that he would be cutting back on acting to launch a signature line of shapeless khakis and rumpled polos. “Over the years, I’ve heard from so many fans who wanted to dress…

Patagonia Introduces New High-Performance Jacket Specially Designed To Protect Wearer On Walk Between Front Door And Car

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the most effective outerwear on the market for short-term exposure to the elements, outdoor clothing company Patagonia on Wednesday introduced its new high-performance jacket specially designed for walking between the front door and car. “With ultra-lightweight fabric and a center-front zipper…