Doomsday Clock Pushed To One Minute To Midnight After Arby’s Threatens Launch Of 3-Cheese Jalapeño Beef ’N Bacon Melt

CHICAGO—Reacting to the fast-food chain’s increasingly alarming marketing language Tuesday, the Science and Security Board of the Bulletin Of The Atomic Scientists set the global Doomsday Clock to 11:59 p.m. following Arby’s threats to launch a 3-Cheese Jalapeño Beef ’N Bacon Melt. “As Arby’s’ claims of possessing an…

Heroic Police Officer Talks Man Down From Edge Of Purchasing Subway Footlong Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki

CLEVELAND—Rushing into action as a horrified crowd of onlookers gathered, heroic police officer Craig Stanton reportedly talked a man down Thursday from the edge of purchasing a footlong Subway Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki sandwich. “Listen, you don’t have to do this—you have so much more to live for,” said the…